K8: The Day by Day ;D

THINK PRINCIPLES

2012-02-11T17:49:00.001+09:00

In your relationship, marriage or long-term relationship or what-not, the most difficult thing you would face with would be how clearly yet how not so hurtfully communicate your dissatisfaction over the partner to him or her. Lack of communications is the major reason why any committed relationship ends up broken and it's a common knowledge.

The best cause of broken marriages in Japan is a heartless affair that came evolving around the lonesome spouse who is already getting discouraged by lack of in-depth communications (not just with sex but just plain conversations).

During a self-study of the Hartgrove Biblestudy tape, Pastor Greg Laurie was heard talking with his wife, Cathe, about THINK PRINCIPLES. I thought it was useful and would like to introduce the rules here.

It is quite simple when you apply your Think principles to your everyday life with your partner. Just think of becoming your loved one on behalf. Thought process is indicated by the THINK initials.

1. T: IS IT TRUE?
2. H:IS THIS HELPFUL FOR YOUR PARTNER?
3. I: IS IT INSPIRING FOR YOUR PARTNER TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU?
4. N:IS IT NECESSARY FOR YOUR PARTNER TO KNOW THIS FROM YOU?
5. K: IS IT KIND AS AN APPROACH?

Think of the above questions and, indeed, spend time in deep consideration on your partner's behalf. If the answers turn out to be YES for five times, then you communicate what you want to say to your partner. You should be very careful as to when and how you initiate the conversation because mood does matter when things are getting serious and trying matters are being presented to your partner. You are in love with your partner, you feel committed to your significant other. Then you should always ponder for a certain length of time beforehand to wonder if it will be worth talking to him or her.

So, with much attentionand careful choice of words, you gently go ahead with the important conversation. Pastor recommends here that we pray before and after together. I think it is great as an advice if you're a Christian like myself. I do pray before the important event even for a brief moment, so that I feel I can stop having negative remarks I create for myself, which is my bad habit.

Start talking about the complaints in your mind by talking about positive things first. Praising others first is a smooth conversation starter. Here are some initiating techniques before the point of the conversation is conveyed:

*IS IT TRUE? What I am going to talk about from now is happening right now. It's truth. And I would like your support on this.
*IS IT HELPFUL? I think what you will hear from me can be very helpful for you if you stay being broad-minded and open about any suggestions.
*IS IT INSPIRING? See, you once told me about your difficulty in... I think what I'm talking about now will be a good chance for you to start thinking of how to resolve that.
*IS IT NECESSARY? And I think you might want to resolve this with me.
*IS IT KIND AS AN APPROACH? If you don't feel like talking about it, that is okay with me, honey.

If the partner gets irritable when hungry, then you need to fill up your partner's stomach first. Timing is a key to this type of conversation.

THINK PRINCIPLES works fine ONLY in a balanced relationship. Without the respect of one another, the conversations such as those cannot be taken place nor is it possible to reach the mind of your partner.

Be aware of this:
Unless the partner of yours looks at you in simple, humble awe of joy to have you as a cherished partner, he or she will learn nothing from you.

LOVE & MARRIAGE

2012-02-11T04:21:00.001+09:00

The other day, I joined the members of my band for little snack and drinks after the practice. The leader was talking about this young Filipino girl whom he had decided to marry. This is his fourth marriage. He was divorced a month ago and now he is ready to get remarried. She is 34 years his junior. Now we said pros & cons of age difference in relationship in order to inform him we all think it was a bit too soon. And he switched the topic as soon as he notices this by saying, "How is your love life anyways?"

Amongst four males, the leader is 64YO. The baseman, 55. The guitarist, 50. The drummer, 51. For them, I'm pretty much their cute little sister whom they care about. The three of the members have NO good idea that I'm in constant contact with my guitar player here. He is MonCher but not quite my boyfriend yet. We just email one another. Mostly I email him more often than he does, as he is an extremely busy businessman. I call him MonCher in my heart, but he has no idea perhaps, the fact that I adore him so much. He might feel like I'm extremely friendly to him for some reason, to his surprise, perhaps unnecessarily in his mind, but he is a typical Japanese and has no specific idea that I care for him that much and I'm in a real love with him like this. However, he might. He was a bit unfocused when the leader had directed me the marriage question. ;-)

They, the bandmen, all adore me in many ways like a girl/kid sis sorta ways. Well, anyhow, the leader wanted to ask me. They each (except the guitarist) gave me advice what to look for from the husband-to-be. For some reason the MonCher didn't say anything. Well, he is a very quiet guy. He is my type. Quiet.

Well, I'm thankful, but I do have this firm principle. Sorta Rules when it comes to marriage.

RULE NO. 1: YOU HAVE TO LOVE AND BE LOVED BY YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

In Japan, arrangement marriage happens. No, I want to fall in love first. They say falling in love comes later. I want it first, thank you very much!

I can't get the gas on engine/firework for marriage unless I'm "into" that person. I need to feel an affection for the person. For instance, I'm interested in MonCher the guitarist. He gives me an attention back when I give him some. I'm gone for romancing him. Marriage talk is okay with him, as I do adore him in such a romantic way.

Also, the type of guys shouldn't be that demanding. He should be generously sweet & kind. And he should be caring from the bottom of his heart for others. Yeah. Heart. He has to have a heart.

My MonCher is that person. Ideal for marriage material, but I am very afraid to make him embarrassed, as Japanese men are mostly. I know he is divorced and he is not sure about having further relationships right now. I haven't asked him about the future yet. I am guessing his divorce scarred him really badly and he might say no, and if no was an answer I'm going to be sad. So, currently I'm quiet, mum is the word for a marriage talk with him.

Whomever that will be the man for me to marry, I don't care too much about his outer appearance. If he is not bald or shorter than I, I'm pretty much okay. The rest is his character. MonCher, by the way, is taller than me and has a lot of hair and A KILLER SMILE! BEAUTIFUL SMILES count largely within my heart. MonCher attracted me with his fresh, beautiful smiling face. He impressed me with genuine smiles. So if and when his heart is genuine, I'm guessing his smiles attract me more. Like MonCher did.

Now. Other RULES. For the conditions of marriage, I'm pretty much difficult on one little thing.

RULE NO.2: HE HAS TO UNDERSTAND-UNDERSTAND ME!

I grew up in a very difficult, abusive household. I therefore want my beloved to sincerely treat me right by understanding my own life background through having a long-term relationship. I would like my beloved to protect me and always cherish me as a living gold of his life.

RULE NO.3: HE HAS TO BE EXTREMELY HONEST & SINCERE!

HONESTY is very important in marriage, if you ask me. Lying to your spouse is not right nor is it going to salvage the marriage.

I'm a Christian, too, so honesty and sincerity of a secular person is most sternly important. Liars create further lies and can't be helped. MonCher, by the way, is ideally very honest and very sincere. His honesty shows through his messages he sends me and phone conversations we share. His emails often give me indications as to he seeks truths of many things.

Being honest is being obedient to the truths. That's crucial to my beloved person especially if he is not Christian and would like to marry me.

Caring for one's spouse with honesty and sincerity, trust becomes firm, because trusting the SIGNIFICANT OTHER should be a priority in one's marriage.

Of course, there's an exception. If and when an ailing wife is lying down with an extremely pale face and asks the husbad if she looks okay, the husband can give her a white lie by saying, "You look beautiful to me like when we met for the first time."

White lies are not holding ill will or malice against the spouse. Making the wife's pale heart a bit happier by lying to say positive things can create a better relationship, and I feel that's considerate. White lies are okay therefore.

RULE NO. 4: FOR A JAPANESE HUSBANDS, I WOULD LIKE MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER TO BETTER COMMUNICATE HIS LOVE!

Hey, in this gadgets and DNA age, uterizing own mobiles and phones should be a BASIC, FUNDAMENTAL step. Especially shyster hubbies in Japan should always make efforts in better communications with own wives. Making time for it, the wives of those who make strenuous efforts in conveying loving messages will be for ever happy and keep on being attached to such men. They will even make self-sacrifice to stay married with such men.

Of course, this goes both ways. I make efforts for the man I'm marrying to. It is an ownership. I own my marriage, then I make strenuous efforts to be staying in the loving relationship with my love of life. I will keep on being in a great shape to forever attract the husband. I would like to make use of all the resource available for me in communications to convey my love. I would like him to do the same.

I never know if I'm marrying MonCher. But even if he is not the one, I'm pretty sure that the man whom I'm marrying to should be in deep love with me, understands me like he knows himself, stays honest and very sincere to truths, and makes a serious commitment to always love me, conveys his sincere love to me for good.

It is a loving compromise and commitment of romance and truthfulness. Relationship with genuine efforts and balance in life together is what I need.

Affection comes from many ingredients.

WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY

2012-02-08T14:13:00.001+09:00

We have come a long way from word processor to computer to handy mobile Android and smart phone. Advancement of Science has brought us to this end. Our pastors thank God for the advancement of such speedy era. I sure feel thankful, too, but often feel very chaotic. If and when we lose hold of such things, we feel helpless.

Just bear with me and imagine.

When you go walk around the favorite parkway, say, Shelley Lake, with your dog. You and your company, say, your boyfriend or girlfriend, follow you with your cheerful dog. Shelley Lake is like three miles in length and great to walk around for doggie exercise as well as human exercise. Then your dog would love to chase the balls and sticks you throw for them.

Just imagine, a brief second, you feel your pocket vacant... Hmm? You dig in your pocket and when you find out: The mobile you put in the side pocket earlier is missing. You look around, you see nothing. You get a panicky feeling. Dog is waiting with a puzzled look in his face, because his master is patting every single pocket of his or hers and cursing the safe world with tremendously bad, foul language all of sudden, and your dog is confident it's not his fault you are acting insane. The partner of yours might be near you, patting his or her pocket to find out own mobile is safe and sound. With a look on his or her face, your mon amie might go, "See, I told you I could hold it for you, if you go for a play."

Advanced technologies often require you to have the thing, the toy, the tech gadgets, with you to enjoy the very advancement. If and when you lose hold of it, that is no use, absolutely nothing.

Love letters became emails. I usually write "I love you unconditionally, so I cheer you up" emails to MonCher late at night. He says he enjoys reading my emails perhaps it is because he can forget all about his sterile and very dreadful business environment in which he spends most of his day and night as a business owner. He says nobody else but I would write him emails like that, and the content is nothing but funny and meaningless yet lovable, affectionate. Maybe he might smile for a couple of times while he is reading my silly emais with his sleepless, fatigued eyes.

I write him almost two to three times a week, even if he doesn't reply. At first I was not like this. I was anxious as to how he was reacting to it, but he once told me quite honestly that he was being spiritually healed by my bubbly emails. Technologies advancement sure blesses someone like him and me.

I love writing snail letters better actually, but it takes time to post it in a "snail" mail, and my guy needs his cheer-ups right now. MonCher is a very sensitive businessman, so he is already very tired of spending his lifetime of cares for his clients. He doesn't wanna wait for days to get my sweet nothings in vain. He needs my bubbly, silly, care-free emails right at the time he comes home at two in the morning. So, email communications are preferred. Mobiles, Android, all the tools are available.

For love birds, the tools can be used endlessly to continue the loving relationship. My favorite singer, David Coverdale, who leads a legendary hard-rock band, WHITESNAKE, said in an interview somewhere, he makes use of all the gadget to not just keep up with the current music scenes but also with his wife, because he and his band is always staying afar from where she could be. He and his band may be in a tour or whatever the band is requested to be doing, but he cares for her enough that he shows his love through those gadgets to send his love. His band's guitar player, Doug Aldrich, also said in an interview, he actively makes use of those gadgets to keep up with his current wife. He was twice divorced? (sorry if mistaken), and he says he wants his current one to stay around for good with him. So, he makes efforts. For those who experience painful divorces, having gadgets to keep up with own loved ones can be the major discovery and testimony of how to keep the relationship going.

For relationships like mine, my MonCher is also divorced. He is totally out of next chance, as he had put it. He still has this ailing self-esteem and brused ego from the divorce of long past. I think the way we have met as music buddies (him being a guitarist and me being a vocalist) with matched interests had a good signal for him. He wants to move on slowly, he would like to keep the relationship to continue as it is right now, so, I oblige too. He is busy, always working, thinking, he says. But he appreciates my cheer-up emails and when "mishaps" occur, I rather talk to him by calling in his mobile phone to hear his voice. He knows I feel terribly sad if he is mad or upset, so he is willing to spend time on phone, and kindly talks and gives me his extra time when necessary. If he cannot, he emails back early in the next morning to iron out the bad wrinkles of our relationship, so I don't feel anxious anymore. Gadgets are well-uterized here. ;-)

His sweetness and kindness communicates a charming care and affection he holds for me as he uterizes those gadgets to express his hidden feelings, and as long as I can see his cares somewhere in those messages and talks we share, I guess this type of *distance-or-away* relationship is good with those gadgets.

So, here is a toast to those technological advancement and gadgets. Sure, they need to be there for us to make use of them, but I think they're helpful! Praise God for technical advancement!

LIVING THE LIFE TO THE FULLEST

2011-09-11T22:26:00.000+09:00

Today, I would like to renew my sincere condolences to the bereaved and families and friends of those who passed on that horrible day. September 11th. Not just those in the States were the ones who suffered; all in the globe got hurt.

And as I recall that day from the other side of the globe,　I renew my commitment that we have to live our lives with full of happiness and hopes even after that disaster. We gotta go through life all the while we load ourselves with those griefs and sadness, sorrows upon our shoulders. Yet we have a responsibility to make that painful experience changed into a hope, happiness and bright future.

From death to a living hope. Opportunity. Chance. Goodness in the faith, loving life and living it to the fullest. We have to shift our sad world into a new world of joy and full of hopes.

In Japan,terrorism of that scale hasn't happened yet. But we now know that we are never able to live on without our friends and neighbors' support. We, in Japan, got to know what it means to be supported from foreign lands; they were so helpful after the big earthquake.

You never know when you encounter the big something which you may lose your life. You never know when you are chosen to be leaving this world. For that time, we need to live the life to the fullest. At the end of the day we need to look back and think, it was a good day, because we need to realize today will never come back to us. Just as the Bible says, "Don't end the day without soothing the relationships back when you have a big argument".

It is a 9/11 anniversary and I'm watching a lot of anniversary specials on CNN. I often see those who are being interviewed bout that day and get upset. I am crying with them because I can feel their pains. I saw through those sad eyes what had all of us hurt, lost our confidence and our self-esteems, and what had brought upon our shoulders.

What should we do now, what we should correct, what we should mind... those things are not just upon the shouders of the politicians. We all have to mind ourselves to the surroundings, our own safeties and securities.

And, yes, world peace . Peace be with us in God's good name. We all have to seek world peace. We all owe it to the lost lives on that day.

My DREAM Wedding...

2010-11-13T00:49:00.002+09:00

A girlfriend of mine has gotten married to her long-time fiance finally. She fell for an American man, so it took a long time for her and him to complete the loving relationship to the final page of this great wedding day.

I was not really invited to the ceremony because I was not really her best buddy or anything like that, but I am very happy for her, as I knew she had a long wait over this day. On a Japanese SNS called mixi, she and I are as friendly as we are on FACEBOOK and she reported that she finally got married. All her buddies including myself got happy for her. It was a nice news.

What shall I do for my own? If I do fall for a man... Well, I have already fallen for one but he is not really interested in marrying anybody yet. I guess he is not for me just yet. I kinda thought about marrying a guy who is my dream date of some kind, and if and when I marry, what shall I do and all that in my mind. Chuckle, chuckle.

My dream wedding ceremony should be both Japanese and American/Westernized. Japanese wedding ceremony is necessary due to my parents who prefer their beloved daughter getting married in a Japanese kimono. I guess the wedding dress gowns of our dream in Japan will be a beautiful white gown that we all can wear on the day. Pearl white and the inside is RED, the color of passion. It means that although the beautiful bide keeps her chastity and virginity this much in white kimono, the inside of her heart [which is the inside of the kimono] is as RED as the passionate heart that is beating in her heart.

The white gowns in Japanese kimono also means the sincerity of the bride to her new master of the house, the groom. With the red, passionate heart, she swears to die her white gown with her love for her man, and she makes an oath also to give her heart and soul for her man. Isn't that romantic???

Although giving out heart and soul sounds as though the bride has sold her heart to her man instead of GOD Almighty, in my mind it is necessary for me to make such a strong statement to the groom that I am making a huge commitment for him so that he also needs to know that he is responsible for the commitment that he will have made [meaning "so he better be serious!"].

The guy whom I adore said to me once that he cannot undertake such a huge responsibility of marrying a woman and take care of her and his own children. And he also told me he is not in need of children at all, to which I told him he would regret what he had just said to me on the phone, because most men would miss being a father to a child or two in their later life. He still fought with the sense of such a strong commitment level. But I guess he will make a good decision when he meets a right woman. I never know if I am a right person for him, but I am so far very attracted by the man.

He and I often discussed our dream marriage. So I guess he was interested in me at that time. We believed that we should live in a very nurturing space for both of us, where we could see natural assortments of potted flowers and beautiful furniture with lots of nice food. He loves green colors in a white room, he said, because he feels at ease with flowers and grasses around him. He is a swinger but is not player at all, and I liked what he told me then.

My dream marriage is to be able to undertake any obstacles if and when I am with the husband. With the dream husband and me together in deep love and relationship that is continuous for ever, we will be able to take any hardship and change it into a new stimulating event for both of us. I just dream about my romance with a man who asks me to marry him someday. With GOD observing me and him together in eternal love, we should be able to live long.

Ah, my dream...

WHEN THINGS DON'T GO WELL WITH YOU (DON'T GIVE UP by TAKE 6/PETER GABRIEL)

2010-10-02T13:23:00.003+09:00

DON'T GIVE UP is the song that Peter Gabriel had written years ago. It became a king of the encouraging song list in karaoke center worldwide.

When things do go well with your life, your best buddies and friends will sing this song for you to encourage you. Real friends are there for you, the song is saying.

I hear Gabriel wrote this song based upon what he had experienced. One day, things would stop making it for him and he got really depressed, downcast. But he sings,
"Even if you are tired like this, even if you are downcast and nothing seems right for you, your life still has a good turn to make. You have that force and power given by the LORD. It is all timing and GOD will give you the chance."

One day, a man gets exhausted by his life. All around him, he sees troubles and problems and he cannot feel happy at all. He thinks of dying. Then an angel comes. He has rather a familiar face of his best friend. He says:
"Okay, you are tired. Lay down. I will give you rest."
He still feels he is tired. Death comes and goes in his mind, and then the angel comes again.
"Okay, you are tired. But don't give it up. Don't forget your have a friend here. I have a faith in you and I know you will make it."

One day he goes home; after all, he had lost everything and all he got was his car to drive home. He saw his home having been crushed down and trees are all turned down on the earth. Despair comes creepking back.
Death says:
"Jump. It is now that you can die."

Then the angel comes again for the third time. He says:
"Don't give up on your faith in life. You have a friend here whom you don't want to destroy with your early death."

This song let me know about a family and friends. I have no other families than my parents, since I am an only child and my parents are getting older. I feel I get to be alone in this world after their death. There is a friend, though, my friends say. So, importance and magnitude of having friends meant a lot through this song and I was moved.

My male friend seems extremely tired lately and hangs on his feet and walks slowly with bad posture. He looks as though he were an old man. That much he got tired. I was worried but could not say anything. I guess I should have given him this song.

I love the version with TAKE 6. The Christian acapela group gives it a great thumb-up in this song with best chorus and I love the ad-libs.

Well, I hope my male buddy also listens to this song now that I published the lyrics simultaneously in my Japanese blog site.
;)

DON'T GIVE UP
(PETER GABRIEL/LYRICS & MUSIC ARRANGED by TAKE 6/TRANSLATED by KYOKO/2010)

HMM...
(DON'T GIVE UP,
WE GOTTA KEEP OUR FAITH, KID
COME ON...)

IN THIS PROUD LAND WE GREW UP STRONG
WE WERE WANTED ALL ALONG
I WAS TAUGHT TO FIGHT, AND I WAS TAUGHT TO WIN
I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FAIL...

NO FIGHT LEFT OR SO IT SEEMS
I AM A MAN WHOSE DREAMS HAVE ALL DESERTED
I TRIED TO CHANGE MY FACE N' CHANGE MY NAME
BUT NO ONE WANTS YOU WHEN YOU LOSE...

OH, WOO...DON'T GIVE UP
'CAUSE YOU HAVE A FRIEND
(I GOTTA HOLD ON)
DON'T GIVE UP
YOU ARE NOT BEATEN YET
(WOO, YEAH)
DON'T GIVE UP
'CAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT
IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP....

THOUGH I SAW IT ALL AROUND
I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD BE AFFECTED
THOUGHT THAT WE'D BE THE LAST TO GO
IT IS SO STRANGE THE WAY THINGS TURN
(STRANGE...)

DROVE THE NIGHT TOWARD MY HOME
ALL THE PLACE THAT I WAS BORN, BY THE LAKESIDE
AS DAYLIGHT BROKE, I SAW THE EARTH
THE TREES HAD BURNT DOWN TO THE GROUND

DON'T GIVE UP
YOU STILL HAVE A FRIEND
DON'T GIVE UP
('CAUSE I HAVE A FAITH)
YOU'RE NOT BEATEN UP YET
DON'T GIVE UP
'CAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN MAKE IT

*AD-LIBS:
IF YOU DON'T GIVE UP, WHOO
REST YOUR HEAD
YOU WORRY TOO MUCH
JOJO NEVER WORRY ABOUT A THING, NAH
THINGS'RE GONNA BE ALRIGHT
SURE ENOUGH YOU ARE GONNA BE ALRIGHT
WHEN THINGS GET ROUGH,
YOU CAN FALL ON US
JUST REST YOURSELF
DON'T GIVE UP
I WON'T GIVE UP NO
DON'T GIVE UP
NO, NO, NO
I WON'T GIVE UP YEAH, YEAH
'CAUSE YOU HAVE A FRIEND HERE
'CAUSE I KNOW I HAVE A FRIEND
IT'S TRUTH
I KNOW I CAN MAKE IT
I KNOW I WILL NOT MAKE IT UP
I WON'T GIVE IT UP
WE CAN ONLY MAKE IT GOOD
THIS I CAN MAKE IT
WHATEVER THE COST I WILL GIVE OUT FOR YOU
YEAH, YEAH, WHOO YEAH
DA, DA, DA...

Loving Voice

2010-09-24T02:00:00.005+09:00

I have this man who cares for me a lot. He and I had stuff going on in between us. I discussed about his lonesomeness once in this blog a long time ago. He somehow has this traumatic something going on within himself that leads him to stay alone and behind all that is going on in the dating scenes.

At first I thought he was a player. You know, I kinda thought he was a swinging bachelor who is playing around. It seems he loves taking holidays and having breaks and going out to have fun in marine sport or rock climbing of some sorts, but he never goes out with others --girls nor is he being homosexual that he is not really dating anyone --men or women-- currently, thank GOD. He goes out alone. Recently he went to Hokkaido alone with his bike --sounds like he goes out there alone every year-- and brought back some souvenirs for co-working employees including me. Now I feel like the reason why he is keeping himself alone and lonesome seems like he himself is being a believer of some sort. He has a family member who is Christian, so it is no big wonder if he is himself. But he once told me he had a love affair going on, so lying like that made me feel like he was never appropriately a believer. For him I may say that he had a very complex, extremely traumatic family life at very early age it sounded like and seems to be extremely lonesome and loves staying with himself.

Well, it is very difficult with him being shy and introverted and liking being alone, but we somehow got along with one another. He didn't mind talking with me all the time and he loves listening to me, it seems like. He relaxes and talks to me and doesn't mind me rambling all the time to him. He in fact loves my voice, it appears. He currently began teaching me how to speak more slowly and appropriately in our user support job when my quality assessment test got really low average. His boss agreed that he would teach me and care for me while I am in weekly lesson with the lady teacher who is not really a big fan of myself. In order for me to keep up with the fairness of what the teacher here lacks in lessons for me, he joined and took my own current senior supervisor.

My man is no longer a boss to me and is no longer belonging to the department that I am a part of, but he is somehow allowed to attend the quality assessment lessons and monthly meeting with the lady teacher whenever he feels like. Seems like he speaks for me and he takes part in where no body understands me but he himself knows me in person. I was extremely afraid that things get really uptight with my call center manager joining the session one day to let me know that he set a date to set me apart from other crowds if I keep on having lower average of quality assessment tests. QA test is being done by listening to the past tapes, so we never know what kind of tapes this lady teacher makes use of. Sometimes she looks for a worse one to point out what the problems that I face up to, but because my man joins me and her in sessions to have eyes clearer than both of us to see what is going on in between the two ladies --me and her--, he is clearly trying to make do with letting me have a better score. It seems as though he is trying to protect me by covering my whole body from the outside force by hugging me from the back. It feels like he is trying to cover me all the time. Obvious relationship that he and I had really made impacts to those who joined our department later, and now we have less and less original members.

I am hoping he is not leaving. He is a very sufficiently educated, sufficiently fills in his own requirements in his supervising position, and he is very able. I pine for him also.

He is not quite my boyfriend yet, not in an American sense. He may be a good friend for me, but is not yet a closer friend with me. He is trying not to become closer to me when I try to come closer. But it seems he welcomes me to his own, so I feel welcomed enough that we are able to talk.

I love hearing his voice. He has a nice tenor and light pitch of bass. He is not having a very heavy bass tone, but his voice is definitely one of those that was trained on the job. He has a nice voice. I love his voice.

He has a loving voice that I adore so much. He seems to like my voice also in return. We adore our own voices one another. And I thank the LORD for the necessary whatever to have myself prepare our lives to come across.

May the LORD protect the man. He often coughs but LORD, please protect him from germs and let me be kind to him. He is sick. He needs someone who cares for him. Let me see if he would like to stay closer with me. The guy has been nothing but always encouraging and never stopping supporter of mine. It makes me feel bad enough to have him suffer physically. Let him get over the illness if he has one. In the Precious Name of Christ, Amen.

Look Back (Medical Feedback)

2010-08-07T21:10:00.002+09:00

So now it is August! Time flies. I am so amazed how many things fell upon my lap and how they had turned out to be.

January:
I was announced by the family physician that I had a giant cyst. It is so large that it did not fit the size of normal ultrasound graphical areas. The doctor set the timetable of June this year to be the latest to have it cut off my body or else: Meaning, my other organs will be affected.

In January the work went well, although I had a long time off in December and had a pay cut due to the time loss with hospitalization.

February:
I was unable to focus on one good clinic to cut off my cyst although the condition went on worse. My urinary tracts were pushed down by the heavy cyst and had a hard time holding off frequent urination and my digestive tracts also got thinner and I had a lot of problem with whole process of excretion.

March:
Taking in all the info from both Internet and paper works that I gathered from many hospitals, I was finally able to set out the clinic. This one is metropolitan area's major medical hospital for women. At first I was thinking I could get the reservation fast enough, it turned out that it took me a month to reserve a very initial med. appointment. Painful waiting moments went on.

Symptoms got really worse and I had a heavy back by 4 'o clock every day at work. Couldn't get up to go to bathroom.

April:
Had a few appts. and doctors all agreed that I had needed a surgery big-time. The MRI revealed I had eight major cysts along with the huge, 10lbs. cyst in the center. Doctors said that the surgery will resolve my painful urination and excretion processes.
Had a room available in mid-May and lo and behold, GOD made it perfectly clear that HE led me to May surgery, which made it in the deadline that the other doctor gave me the other day in January.

May:
Hospitalized and cut off the cysts completely and which made my body weight lighter, feel better. Doctors took photos and videos of my surgery so that it will be the main topic of the next study tour they make in the US. It is rare to see this big cyst and they did feel it was a great instance for any physician to see this case.

Cost me 1,320,000 yen, which comes to USD12300, which my Dad agreed to pay for with all the output money he saved and his buddies had saved, but the money has been quite an amount and we have been having problems with payments.

June through August:
Back to work on June 10th. Had been working out since release from hospital, but every month the menstruation has been making me quite a tough time with all the leaking accidents and sudden bleeding. My doctor repeats that the bleeding should be getting lighter in time and has been working hard to check out the situation but it has been repeating itself every single month.

In the mean time, I have lost 40 lbs. since release from hospital. My weight change has been so sudden that my doctor says it may fluctuate the menstruation cycle. I need to watch out myself, she says.

I am due to meet with her in mid-September to inform her how things get to go. May GOD protect me for the best of all. Amen...

One Big Change

2010-07-31T15:13:00.003+09:00

Organization change has been announced. The top and the head body of the board determined that our division had needed a new shift. It was so determined that the technical, new body of total customer service division should be formed.

It seems that our service record per se had been pretty focused by the board people in the top management, and they determined some of us did not fit to what they considered as satisfactory. And the way we worked was a very individually different, since we had no specific rules around, so they determined that they move the top-rated service division to our division and mix us into the top feeds, and they wish we would learn.

I started with this division when I got a job here. So it has been a year, and I met new people and enjoyed working with many great people who are all personable and very charming in person. We were so determined to be separted into three smaller teams, where the new breeds of supervisors (average age groups are YOUNGER than the ones before) and back-office management support is doubly to suffice the inexperienced supervisors.

I think there are mostly disqualified, those young supervisors. But the reason why the top put them is that the back-office supervisors [who are both former supervisors of the original team] could train them well along the time, it seems. The top wanted the firm back wall for the younger supervisors so that they had a bouncing wall after they make a serious mistake or error in directions of the supervisions of those teammates who are very able and technically talented but had no good service record especially with attendance and tardiness. I am no tardy person, but my service record is not too good due to the fact that my voice and the tone of my voice do not match to those of what the QS (Quality of Service) people decided to make. I don't know what voice is the matched voice for the corporate image, but they say that my voice is no good, so I guess I am not totally well-qualified.

I do not feel like being treated fair here, but the company's decision is there. I cannot complain. I am also remaining in the FRONT line for the "warfare" with corporate customers when they do call in, so I am satisfied. Although, the training will be harsh. I have so many to learn. And I am sure the quality service will chase after us to either change our voice or quit.

My former supervisor was the one that I fell for and broke off from, so I emailed and thanked him for all he had done for me and the team, since it was the last week together with his leadership. He wrote me back a message saying that the body of organization is slowing down in change, since the change per se is so big, so he is still seemingly leading us. The shift change is taking place but will take place slowly, so that the team members can adapt better.

I decided to apologize for some of my messages that I kind of made him upset in our previous relationship, and he seemingly accepted the apology. He wrote me back. The fact that he did not apologize back to me was his pride, I guess. I think he appreciated my message very much.

One big change of this coming month is that we test our new organization change within ourselves first, meaning that the better qualified team will be added later. First we test our change by ourselves within our original group. Admin. will back up the telephone communication team, which will be in charge of the Front Line inquiries, which is my work. We have three lines of work that support one another so as for us to work properly with the customers who call in with many different and individual questions. Admin. will work together with the back-up supervisions. They determine the paperwork and rules in terms of what to be replied toward specific inquiries from individual customers. The Front-Line will answer all the calls from corporate customers. We used to take all the technical questions when it came to the switch-over or other corporate inquiries on simple operations of the mobile phones. Now we are to respond to any calls including all the contractual to the specifically highly technical inquiries. In order to do that, I and other team mates need a lot of training.

Man, sigh. I feel things get complicated. I hope things get better for me...

YOUR EYES DO TALK by KYOKO

2010-07-05T23:36:00.002+09:00

YOUR EYES DO TALK

YOUR EYES DO TALK
YOU DEMAND MY ATTENTION
BY SPEAKING THROUGH YOUR EYES
YOUR EYES DO TALK
TELL ME WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND
THROUGH YOUR EYES

YOUR EYES FLARE UP IN BURNING FIRE
ANGER GIVES YOUR EYES MORE STRENGTHS
ANGER SHAKES YOUR GORGEOUS LIPS
YOU LOOK LIKE A STRONG WOMAN BUT AREN'T ACTUALLY
YOUR EYES DO TALK
YOU DEMAND WHAT YOU WANT
THROUGH YOUR EYES
LIKE MY LOVE...

YOUR EYES DO SPEAK YOUR MIND
YOU APPEAR TO IGNORE ME
YOU APPEAR TO FORGET ABOUT ME
BUT I KNOW THROUGH YOUR EYES
'CAUSE YOUR EYES DO TALK
YOUR EYES DO TALK
YOUR EYES TELL MY HEART
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND

by K.
[Kyoko Yoda (C)]

Watch Out For Me

2010-07-03T11:53:00.002+09:00

What would you say is to be able to love someone else? What can you do to totally love someone else so that he/she can devote him/herself into what he/she is working on?

I started my Japanese version of SNS called mixi with a tug from a buddy who worked with me at a part-time job. I am now enjoying a lot of people mingling with me either through job-related or music-related. I put my real name on top and they adore me absolutely with all the crazy posts. LOL

Last night, I became friends with a new vocalist who covers all the music from DAVID COVERDALE. Hey, that is my favorite singer and his WHITESNAKE is the band that even I love to copy. I am the one who named our groove (karaoke friends) a "Rock'n Roll Karaoke" and did have a long tie to band communities in Tokyo & Cary-Raleigh-Durham NC areas, so I hit it off with a man like this.

Mind you, he is just a buddy of mine. He himself admits that dating is LESS complicated if just hitting it off with a woman with a taste of music makes everything work. I recall the guy who blew me off --whom actually feels I blew him off-- told me that hitting it off with music taste is the most important pointer to set in dating. Well, that is not true, actually. "But," he would say. "But you love a specific genre of music, which is rare to some people who love Japanese POP. You go to R&R Karaoke because your buddies are hitting it off with you, right? If you love someone else and he sings different songs, that is not fun for you."

He never know how wrong he could be.
On the contrary! I do love to listen to a new genre. I do love to sing different songs with my loving boyfriend. Key is to watch out what I do and what I feel through what experience HE had with me. That enlarges the visions that I own in my life. That enhances the visions that HE has in his own personal history. I would like to influence the other person as much as he influences me. That is how our friendship will deepen.

I enjoyed my ex, although the time we spent with one another was so short. I was influenced by him to get to love GReeeeN's music [GReeeeN is the famous JPOP band] and their songs are beautiful, as I had introduced here in May. I get to know why he loves this music and he tells me all sorts of his own past experience, which is so interesting and enhances my vision. I love to touch the world in different ways all the time and that is only through my loving boyfriend.

And you get tired of those who know your industry stay with you all the time. The vocalist whom I made friends with said it well: "We both know our industry too much too familiar, I guess, ha!" Time never passes if you talk all the time about the same old genre of music and same old taste of music.

All we see will be our local fans and friends, groupies or groove's. No, what I would like is to have a man with a different taste to stimulate my life. A man who lives with different scopes of life and watches me with a kind, loving eye. That is the Best.

Point is, don't put your loving someone into a frame. Don't stereotype the other. Need your heart to open up and look the other into the depth. See how much you can give up for the other. That is what I do. I do give up something for the other and see if you can do the same.

I look into the new music, hear the new music to sing anew at our karaoke groove, I try to understand him better. That is what I would do. I do not stereotype the other. Come to think of it, I am such a cutie pie.

If there is a man who loves me, would like to watch out for me and sing the music with me all the time and enjoy talking, just give me a holler! LOL

TRUTHFULNESS

2010-07-02T22:02:00.006+09:00

This is one of the lyrics that I wrote. Most of the time I write a lyric to sing, my music buddy might put some music to play on. That is how I used to sing with my buddies.

TRUTHFULNESS

When we make love, we don't need a lie to attach with us.
The pridefulness that you attach, that only makes you regret later.
When we make love, we don't need a shirt to put on.
'Cause we don't need beautiful accessaries,
We just need truthfulness to one another.

Only truth gives an evidence of love ;
You don't need to build a lie up from nothing.
Your cute screams, your laughter that you show raise when we make love,
Your little smiles that you show me when I steal a kiss from you,
Those are the only truthfulness that you give me.

Time is what I wanna forget about.
I am always being honest & sincere to you, I say.
But my tongue gets stuck here.
I get tense in front of you.
I don't need to attach myself to anything additional.

Truth is the only thing I want from you,
'Cause that is an evidence of your heart.
You know what I mean, don't you?
I merely need to watch the fire in your eyes burn up,
That's all you need.

by K.

Had I Blown Him Off Or Had I Been Blown Off By Him?

2010-06-25T00:35:00.008+09:00

This is hardly a romantic subject to discuss, but what would you say when your love interest blows you off? And would you say you know clearly which had blown which off? Your loving darling whom you dreamed of living everyday life together had gone away. He or she is now at quite a distance.

It is so tough to face up to the reality. He/She is no longer. In fact, my ex-boyfriend had decided that I'd had blown him off. I got blown off by him or at least that is what I felt. But he told his best buddy that I was the one who blew him off. It confused me.

He is what you would call a "nice guy". Superficially very nice yet has no content. Recently, I got to know that he had no content. He is an airhead to some extent. He doesn't know what to say when being asked about personal questions. He did many good things for me --- on behalf of me --- administratively because he is my direct supervisor and was indeed fond of me, and now that he feels blown off by me, he has no good reason to do what he had used to do for me. It was an extra burden, silly business he would not go into. So he wouldn't do what he used to do. There is no more favor that he would give me.

And I think that is so. His kindness is no longer. Once you are split from that special someone, you are no longer his/her special someone either. What favor you would do for him/her would never be done anymore. And it is not an extraordinary truth. I think it is a fact. He doesn't hate me but wouldn't spare his precious time on me anymore. All because I blew him off, he thinks, although I myself feel like he blew me off.

He is "kind to everyone, never changing his expressions or attitudes towards anyone", my co-worker would say. She heard from me about what had happened in between us, but never is she sympathetic. Of course, I didn't tell her specific matters, I just told her what had happened in between us. She, being a tenaciously direct person, seems like she is thinking I am thinking too much of him compared to what the truth is. "He is good and nice, but will never change his attitude. If you think he is acting consciously, that is because you think too much in love with him. Don't you flatter yourself, little lady!" she said. Maybe she was somehow interested in him, maybe she is fond of him, maybe she was opposing to whatever I look like or I do at work, maybe she is just twisted as a person. We were eating lunch together and she basically stubbed on my back by yelling at me with the above oppressive remarks and essentially embarrassed me completely in the middle of a Japanese restaurant. Maybe true, I am being a very honest person, my real feelings are showing up extensively. But what right does she have to oppressively push me to corners like this without knowing a piece of what he and I got to talk or know in between us. I thought maybe this colleague is interested in him, being married and tired with the same old husband at home, thinking of my ex at home can relax her. But she had no right to lash out on me like that, I felt.

At the same time, I pondered. He wanted "friendship" instead of romantic relationship which I had wanted. No matter whatever we would go through together, he was going to clean it up with the remarks that it was indeed friendship and companionship instead of romantic relationship. Simple expression of friendship would just turn away from any sense of responsibilities for commitment. So, now I know how blessed I was by GOD Almighty to split from this man before nothing serious would damage me along the way. Good that I could walk apart from him now.

He could say, "We had nothing". "We had no meaningful relationship" is what he would say to me. Then what was meant by the time we'd spent together? So, I decided to cut him off. I mean, completely. I said, "I will not waste my precious time over someone who has a lover aside. If you are committed to that person, you should stay true to her. Not me." He repeatedly wrote me messages by emails. He made many excuses, used terrible logic. I wrote back by saying, "Please don't write back anymore." I was in fact beginning to get tired of reading his long excuses. He ignored such message, writing me a "Talking to myself" message back this time.

Can you just imagine the email self-titled as "I am talking to myself"? Once you send off a message like that to anyone, it is no longer a talking to yourself! You sure are talking to someone else, because you send back the message! Perhaps he has no real intent to listen to me. He couldn't stand to be cut off without being heard completely. He wanted to put his own period but couldn't because I said no, don't you write back. All of his email messages were poorly made excuses. He was making silly circles with his own one-sided logic by making silly excuses. Come to think of it, I guess it was the single night he wrote me more messages than I did. I laughed to myself. ...How sad. He didn't give me the attention that I had deserved so much until he got his own on the edge.

The man feels as though I had blown him off, since I had to cut him off. His best buddy's remark is at least being truthful about his statement on our whereabouts.

Within a short while I was with him, he took me to few places. He said he had nothing special with me, but that is never true. He had enjoyed "talking and sharing with me" about whatever was on his mind. He didn't do anything special with me. We saw one movie together, went to one party together, sang together at karaoke parlor, went out together and spent a long, long time together. The longer the time you spend with someone else, the clearer the personality and character of that special someone got to be. I saw through some slices of his life in the past. Few were good and many were tremendously bad and bruised.

Come to think of his bruised character, perhaps he wanted to be "NICE", because he wanted to be stay exceedingly nice on the surface. But he has no content; he cannot keep brain power inside. He knows nothing about himself. I know more about himself than he does about himself. I kinda felt, "He is trying NOT to hold on to his own content. He doesn't want to be exposed, never wanting to be personal to anybody."

From such logical standpoint, I know he had distanced me because I came exceedingly near to him. He didn't want me to stay closer to him. No more approach. He said, "It's because I have a girlfriend aside," but it is a married girlfriend. And I know he doesn't even realize that he had felt the need to distance from me. The more innocent and naive I got to fall for him, the more nerve I struck with him. He felt constantly aware that I was there for him. He felt uncomfortable, because he is not used to being zoomed closely by anybody in life. And also he is a type of person who plays a part or role of someone who is exceedingly good superficially; in return, he can never go back to his own self because he hates himself too much. Why? Because he is not loving himself at all. He doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't know what he would like to do in life. He has no self-esteem. He doesn't even know what he should do for life. He has no dream. He told me so.

I pine for him even now. My nasty colleague who had dissed me while eating casual lunch with me was right and I still adore him so. But if someone told me to go back to him... I would come pondering whether or not I am right to go back to him directly. So, I feel it was the LORD's Will that separated me from him.

He wanted to conventionally put me into a form or shape of LOGO blocks. He used to stereotype me for anything he could think up. And that is never fair to me. He said, "Your standpoint has no gray areas because you are always black or white and that is it. It is because you have been to overseas for such a long time." Or he might go, "You want me to clarify all the time not because I make no sense but because you are not satisfied being in the middle. You are one of those Americans who force their ways on us Japanese."

It was when he wrote me "I am talking to myself" message by the email I found that he was scared of me. Probably I scared the wits out of him because I was so naive and innocently in love with him with such honesty and such loving kindness, which is almost like what children would do; children are those whom he is very scared of. He had no content to show to me, but I showed him all the content I had possessed and he felt scared because he thought I would demand him to show all to me. "How far does she want to be close to me," he may have thought.

Both of he and I have been doing our best to protect own. I adore him so much even now, so I would like him to have the best of all. I want him to be happier. That is what I had written him. I always pray for him, so that he could be more true to whomever he feels is the best. And I hope he will be well-protected by GOD that HE will let my ex be more honest and sincere.

And I do pray for myself, too.

For The Emotionally Bruised

2010-06-12T20:20:00.006+09:00

"...Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. By FAITH we understand that universe was formed at GOD's Command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible..." (HEBREWS 11:01-03)

I fell for a guy who is very afar from GOD. He acts very confident and is being trusted by his co-workers but actually is emotionally inadequate, bruised and abused in many ways. He has a hard-headed belief that he himself is the only salvation he has got in his mind; in short, he merely trusts himself and that is it. He is very hard-headed, firmly believing what he thinks is the right thing and he is not wrong. I am pretty sure that he often regrets what he says or thinks later on but he marches on, because he would not like to "regret at present".

"...and without FAITH it is impossible to please GOD, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that HE exists and that HE rewards those who earnestly seek HIM..." (HEBREWS 11:06)

There are those who are emotionally bruised at their youth, and don't show their true colors superficially until you get to know them closely. They avoid chances to meet new people and try not to get close with others but when they miss attentions they tend to go seek innocent lambs to victimize, although they do not realize what they are doing.

They say they are swingers, they are being "easy" and they care less about what normal people would think when they bare their true colors. I had been in love with someone like that until recently. The guy who did that to me didn't realize that he is one of them. The man had a long standing relationship with a married woman and he was happier when she had told him that she was finally leaving her second hubby. He obviously had a thing about her and is attracted to her enough that he decided to drop me. But he never forgot to have tried to correct himself and justify his stance by writing me email messages. I mean, lots of messages. He ignored the fact that I said I did not want any more messages from him for that time being because he wanted me to "hear [him] out". I think I was his mom's ghost, in some ways. I was older, he felt he was protected and felt warm with being around me -- and he will continue to feel such sentiments when he is around me at work, since we share the same workplace. When my messages cut him in half, he wanted his "mom" substitute to listen to him when he is being ignored; that is exactly a sentiment when he wrote more messages despite my cut-off message. He wrote further to excuse himself by entitling his message "I am talking to myself here".

I tell ya, he is a very serious-minded, even dependable, good young man on business. But at the same time, when he gets a "close call" from those around him -- approaching him too closely so that he feels scared -- he gets to be a self-centered, cold-hearted animal who is tenaciously hurt in the past and feels like it is nonetheless his right to "hurt back" naive people. I believe he didn't realize that he didn't like to go open doors to new and even positive relationship. He is not into that kind of things; truthful, good-standing relationship. He wants to be alone and cry over something he cannot own, like those romances with married people.

He didn't really tell me but I think he has a pretty good idea that he has a very hidden, bad memory about his mom. The very word "mother" is one of the words he cannot pronounce. He cannot produce the good tales of family outing. He doesn't seem to be able to trust others the way he trusts himself. If he feels good, that should be the first priority, no matter what the other people might feel about it. He hides truthful matters because he is scared basically of those of us who are quite straight and upfront with him. Being a straight, b-line arrow that I am, I got to be pretty upfront with him, so he got a little scared about my straight-forward attitude, which was fair but not giving him any path to run away from me. I am sure that my faith in GOD made him feel insecure as well as being judged or something like that.

"...'COME NOW, LET US REASON TOGETHER', says the LORD.
'THOUGH YOUR SINS ARE LIKE SCARLET, THEY SHALL BE WHITE AS SNOW. THEY ARE AS RED AS CRIMSON, THEN THEY SHALL BE LIKE WOOL'..."
(ISAIAH 01:18)

Over the course of a few months that I was befriended with him, we shared a lot of time together both on the phone and in person. Never had he ever talked about his own youth, but I could tell things were not right or easy with him when it came to his own past esp. with his mom. When he sang at karaoke with me and my music buddies not just I but all my buddies realized he did omit the word "mother" from lyrics that he sang. Whatever that had happened with his own mom, I have no idea. But it totally affected him so much that he is not having constructive relationships nor is he satisfied with his own life, I know that much. Why did I know? He was a straight arrow like I am when it comes to other things like business: He is a nice package of self confidence and trust. But when it comes to relationship that is close to his own personal life, he sure rejects anyone who tries to stay close to him. I tried to understand him. I tried to love and nurture him to no avail. But I guess it was to be so with GOD's Will, so that I had to let him go at least for now.

"...'I KNOW IT, AND AM A WITNESS TO IT,' declares the LORD..." (JEREMIAH 29:22c)

I still adore him very much, but it is LORD's Will that I leave him behind for now. Those emotionally bruised are in need of the Hand from GOD very badly, but I am not adequate here to stay beside him, for he is not seeking me or anybody else for that matter to stay aside for him for now. I will pray for salvation and protection for him, but he is on his own for now. I hope he will be protected by the LORD and HE, the GOD whom he doesn't know at all of, will lead him to the best.

"...'BUT ALL WHO DEVOUR YOU WILL BE DEVOURED; ALL YOUR ENEMIES WILL GO INTO EXILE. THOSE WHO PLUNDER YOU WILL BE PLUNDERED; ALL WHO MAKE SPOIL OF YOU I WILL DESPOIL. BUT I WILL RESTORE YOU TO HEALTH AND HEAL YOUR WOUNDS', declares the LORD..." (JEREMIAH 30:16-17a)

May he be salvaged from being scarred for life. May he find the LORD GOD who Leads us all... Amen.

Desires of My Heart

2010-06-08T23:01:00.005+09:00

I have a bad tendency to seek men who tend to leave me behind when the relationship gets to be a close call. I had a man who had 4-year on-and-off up-and-down relationship with me and he left me when even his Mom was ready to be introduced to me for upcoming wedding. I had a man who emailed me that I "misunderstood" his signals and left me behind for a married woman. I either have a bad karma or the worst skill ever to read men's mind.

I began joining my birth church, became a believer in mid-1999 in the States. It was not really a home church in the US and I have been still searching for the best home as a church near my home in Tokyo --I would prefer commuting less during weekends and I am getting to see there has been a church that had been contacting me for a long time at perhaps the LORD's Sprit's calling--, but I am still delighted in daily prayers and chats to GOD Almighty, who gives me not just warmth and energies everyday but also Holy Ghost inside my heart and ONLY He, the Holy Ghost, lets me know what I deserve, what I should do, what I should say, and so forth. I knew especially on the second instance that the LORD was not permitting me to get together with the guy, but I didn't try to listen to HIM. For both of the above instances, GOD had clearly rejected desires of my heart, now I know. However, the first case had happened in early 90s before I even began having this relationship to GOD, and I was hard-headed then, and the second case had happened just recently but I rejected listening to the LORD's caution. In short, I had expected its end. He knew this guy was wrong for me [esp. the second case]. And in some ways I also knew when to end the relationship with him.

What is the reason why we are attracted to bad things, then? Why are we attracted to wrong people? The first guy was very wrong for me, of course, as I did not even know how to pray for the daily blessings, and the second guy was even worse, because I knew it was a wrong man. The best part was that both guys did adore me very much, perhaps due to the fact that I was so innocently in love with them both. Especially the second guy did avoid taking advantage of my emotional roller coaster and me in person for such a lengthy time. I think it is because GOD gave me this simple character that is so naive and innocent. He gave me blessings to continue to have a child's heart in my heart. Thus I believe and trust people so easily. The more trusting and innocently believing in them the worst kinds of people cannot exploit that trust. Instead, they salvage the victim out of me. They never hurt me in such a way that I would get forever branded in psychological scars or traumatized mentally or anything like that. When I had entered church the elders at the church were so impressed how much hardness I had within me but nobody ever exploited me in such a way, which was a huge blessing. While I was not aware of GOD yet then, HE had protected me with this personality that I have been having. Almost anybody who had touched me and my heart really gave me some warmth and kindness with generosity which nobody would expect from. Bitterness and worst kind of hardness in heart would always downplay and seek my hand and the above two --esp. the latter one-- were the best instances where they were "blessed" by GOD through me. And I do feel my openness and upfrontness do offer some good things in non-believers' eyes.

If, in any reason, either of them would come back to me, that is with a good reason GOD hopes in me. I will honestly listen to HIM more esp. with desires of my heart.

Falling in love with non-believers would always get attentions from my Christian birth mom. She talks about the yokes. But I always feel this: It was not because he was not drinking the same yoke as I was like simple verses would say but he was simply wrong for me, but GOD had determined based upon the guys' own personalities and backgrounds altogether. Hardness of hearts, wrong turns in own life. Wrong decisions. HE put them together and let me know how wrong he was. I was lucky and blessed enough not to be further involved with either of them. But I know HE had blessed both through me and my childish trusting mind.

Both have the similarities: The lack of parental attention at youth, lack of very best friends who would be there when time of trouble occurring, lonesomeness in own life when things get too stressful, lack of empathetic and emotional reactions toward almost anything, and so forth. Both rejected relationships and having relationships. Dating is good, but they would prefer "no strings attached". Perhaps the reason had something to do with their lack of family and friends' ties, and I am sure of that, but I could never change their stances and I knew but I had tried to change them. GOD showed me that afterward. I always see men betray and turn from me against me and leave behind me, but I myself had a bad tendency to choose wrong people, so it is my desires that are wrong.

After I began searching for the reason why I get to have betrayal in love, I had finally come to realize that I was trying to seek the success not through prayers but through my own human mind. Miracles of GOD come through to me when things do happen and HE sees its time. HE shows me directions of what I should do and I do ask the LORD to handle my loads on my back and HE did get them and yet I was not asking HIM to get my desires taken care of. I was not asking for the right things right ways and I was obviously wrong to turn against HIM. He quietly showed me through repeatedly.

Most of the time I know it is wrong when I am seeing wrong people. My LORD shows me HIS Holy Ghost within me gives me signs. And I never admit it until it is too late.

But the track record is getting better. In the first instance I was wrong to seek the non-existent relationship with the man but the second instance saved me out of it fairly quickly without getting me in the depth of bad, wrong relationship to worsen. And I am very thankful.

I read bible and see the following lines every time I pray:

As for me, I will always have hope,
and I will praise YOU more and more.
My mouth will tell of YOUR righteousness
And of YOUR Salvation all day long,
Though I know not its measure.
I will come in the strength of the LORD GOD;
I will proclaim YOUR righteousness, YOURS alone.
Since my youth, O GOD, You have taught me,
And to this day I declare YOUR wondrous deeds.
(Psalm 71:14-17)

I didn't proclaim to have the belief since my youth, but my young mind has been always salvaged by wrong crowds because of its innocent naivete. The more youthful the heart is the more trusting the mind is. I open the Prayer Book and feel the blessings more and more and desires of my heart will be answered for sure by the LORD GOD, who directed my path since late 1990s.

LIE TO ME: Psychoanalysis of Why & How People Lie

2010-06-02T14:07:00.004+09:00

There is a very interesting imported TV drama which had started this season in FOX Japan. It is called LIE TO ME. This is very interesting, as I can see why and how people lie to others. It is sorta science of understanding liars.

Whether or not you are being lied to, you never know. But if you talk to these psychologist/consultant group, they tell you which. These are professionals who research and learn about the depth of what lies do to human beings. It is such an interesting topic to think of: Why Do We Lie???

In Japan, we sing, "If you lie, you are going to swallow a thousand needles". In the Western world, they count lies as one of iniquities. "Liar, liar, burn in fire" is one of those expressions we Japanese understand perfectly with ours in a thousand needles.

There are two types of lies, though. One is a white lie, which is not really a bad, red lie. If you see a good friend of yours has a bad leg, you would never say, "Oh, what a terrible leg you have, look at those scars!" Instead, you may politely praise some other parts of your friend's leg: "You have a beautiful, sleek leg and I wish I had a complexion like yours". You would feel you are sorry for the bad leg, but you want to find some other good points about that particular leg. Hey, you are the friend and a little white lie is allowed in the world, right? Yes. And it is a kind lie.

At the same time there is a bad, red lie. Bill Clinton is a representative liar who got carried away by his own lies and lost credibility of the voters. He lost his political careers over his own lies.

LIE TO ME is a very good drama about people who are involved in the acts of lies and come asking for help from this psychologist group. Various people come in; from FBI to NTSB, from riches to the famous.

Today I saw an episode about an Indian billionaire who cannot go marry his girlfriend because he is concerned that his girl is hanging for his money. He asks for personal consultation with a lot of money. Consultant is busier with other matters, so his young assistants work for him.

This client is a billionaire. So he has no worries over money but has plenty of worries over many other things; esp. something to do with his money. He cares about his expanded business. He doesn't want a money-monger as a wife. He would like to explore a real romantic relationship with this beautiful lady called Nadia.

Young consultants go on researching about Nadia. One of the assistants is so good that she succeeds at videotaping her while she acted as her classmates from high school of some sort. She asks many good questions to which Nadia reacts properly. Superficially, she looks to be very honest, gorgeous young woman who cares nothing about his money but is in love with the guy. "I just fell in love with the guy who had money!" is the superficial image she has toward others. Young consultants know better, so they look into her reactions in video.

During the videotaped discussions, Nadia uses her hands and expresses herself more freely while she is looking at her interviewer "classmate", aka young consultant, Torres. Torres asks about how the billionaire boyfriend is acting toward her as a boyfriend. She smiles heartily and uses her hands to explains her relationship with him. She looks happy genuinely.

Torres and other consultants call this use of hands and looking into the eyes of interviewer to express herself as ILLUSTRATOR. Nadia is trying to illustrate her life with her billionaire boyfriend. It is truthful, Torres says. "She loves you, sir, and she loves you with all her heart."

At the same time, Torres' co-worker finds something else: That is a typical MANIPULATOR. Nadia knows she is manipulating her boyfriend by saying that she didn't have a clue as to how rich and famous he was when he had met her. Torres asks about his money to Nadia, and Nadia looks down with a bit of shy smile, which is in fact her shade of guilty conscience. Her right hand is playing with her jewelries that her boyfriend gave her. At this point Nadia is not looking back at Torres. Her hand is all of sudden quiet, stopped illustrating her mind, because there is nothing to illustrate and emphasize. She rather goes away from this topic.

At the end, young consultants come to give the following determinations about Nadia's love for the billionaire:

That she had lied to him (and interviewer Torres) by saying that she had no idea that the guy was billionaire when she had met him. She had approached him BECAUSE of his money.

However, she also fell in love with him, too. Now she describes him as a funny, interesting person to be with and she feels he is the most important person to be with, she is very much in love with him.

Therefore, if there is a worry exists and undeniably so, it is recommended that he produce a pre-nap arrangement with her prior to marriage, but they feel it is not really necessary to separate from her.

If you make a erroneous reading about ILLUSTRATOR & MANIPULATOR, your analysis flies to other directions. Be aware that it is not so simple to read other's mind.

At the same time, it is also interesting to see there is no cultural difference in lying. Liars in the whole world do react all the same. For example, when one is a liar but is feeling guilty about the lies s/he is telling and not really interested in telling lies further, s/he tends to switch the topics drastically. This happens everywhere and does happen even in Japan. Like when a housewife is being questioned by her husband about where she was going late last night and if she is lying to him but would not like to tell lies further, she shifts the topics like this:

[Looking & pointing at somewhere else] "Oh, no, look at that!"

[Looking at somewhere past her husband's views] "What is that?"

[Acting as though she forgot to ask him] "Oh, incidentally, when did you say you were visiting your mom?"

When people suddenly shift their attentions to somewhere else, most often than not they are trying to shift from their own lies.

Lies, lies. Good lies and bad lies. Be aware, people.

On Tribulations

2010-05-30T16:58:00.004+09:00

Past two weeks have been a trial and a journey for me. I had been hospitalized, operated on, recuperated and still in the recovery process right now. For the next two weeks I will further recuperate and test myself physically. Surgery was a success, over three pounds of tumor has been taken off my body. It was a sense of Ecstasy when I had learned that all that three pounds of meat had been eradicated from me.

I was very scared of the operation anaesthesia but was knocked out pretty much till the surgeon's team had shaken my shoulder to wake me up. I had a bad anaesthesia allergy post surgery [nauseated quite badly and had to throw up a lot all the while I was not allowed to take in fluid for the night]. However, by the dawn next morning I was told by the nurse to get up from bed. I walked back to my own room from ICU. That was amazing and I was so much in awe of modern medicine. My surgeons came to meet with me occasionally to see their newest best examples of their effort has been making such a great recovery.

Thank GOD. All the symptoms are GONE. Now I have no more swollen feet, no more popped-up stomach, no more heavy shoulders. During 8-day stay at hospital, I physically lost total of 17 lbs. Perhaps it is due to the pains post surgery, food that lacked grease, nurses' tough controls on me post surgery due to the fact that I lost tons of blood and had to have transfusion as well as it took nearly 7 and half hours to complete the operation.

During such time, I had been constantly tested. Tested by doctors, tested by ending it with a simpleton boyfriend, tested by my own emotions, tested by administrator at hospital, tested by my family, and tested by my own friends.

During such tribulations, I used to read bible, which is a MUST read for me. I had this old prayer book that I purchased in America approximately ten years before, and I didn't make much use of it due to busyness, which was a bad mistake. Once I start reading the book the LORD has started working on my tribulations, bad routines, bad relationships, and HE has directed me back into HIS Track.

Life got easier, lighter, less wearisome. But at the same time I lost a lot of things. One big tribulation was that of a boyfriend. He was a bad news, directed me toward a bad path, and I knew he was wrong for me but was attracted too much to go along, which was also wrong. GOD gave me many verses for me to read and pick up from the Prayer Book. My old prayer book is basically established from the pages of biblical verses that the particular author thought it necessary for his reader to continue praying for the matters around themselves. This Prayer Book directed me to the Right Way, which is less perched and lacks sadness but plenty of happiness. The feeling of Holy Spirit coming back into my heart really made me have a vivid, physical elation : The high was such that it felt less realistic to me. It felt like a ray of light piercing into my chest when I 'd asked the Holy Spirit to come back right in.

And Holy Spirit was the One to direct me through the split from such a bad news. This boy was wrong for me and I knew it but couldn't go apart. Now I could. With GOD's blessings, I had no serious relation to him physically. Cutting off this boy was not that tough although decision made me feel a bit scared. My best girlfriend cried with a sense of joy and pride to see me grow in such a good spirit even after that painful time that I had to cut him off. GOD blessed many good things and I am able to say that my best friends are the blessings of HIS to me.

One of them who is my very best had literally tested me by yelling at me, "How many times do you have to let others put their dirty shoes on your face! Aren't you getting to be a door mat that you always tell others not to become? Huh? How many times do you have to cry over this boy? How many? I wanna know, because I am getting tired of dealing with those boyfriends of yours! You keep on letting go this excuse, he will come back strong with a bigger lie and make use of your emotions! He used you! He LIED to you! How many more lies do you think you can afford to say you can let him go, instead of admitting that you are not meant with this man? I am going to kill him if he is here! Look at my best girl crying and worried. I am so PISSED!!!! What would your GOD say, huh? What HE'd say if HE sees you in pain and agony like this!"

It hit me like a thunder. My best girlfriend's teary scream woke me up from this man. Physically attractive but is not inside. Holy Spirit was working within me, giving a right sentence to put in to email him goodbye. I didn't have to see his face to part our ways. Nowadays we are blessed with technologies. I made my note to him succinct and simple and he wrote me back four times. I wrote him again by saying what I did not like about him, and even if he negates that, that is his problems. He somehow came to apologize, to which I had a class to say thank-you. And I told him to take a good care of his other girlfriend and hoped he would be happier.

My nerve was particularly tested especially with patience. When I have to be quietly and patiently await, hold off emotions, or cool down, things wouldn't work well with me; I would either lose my patience or thrash against the person who messed up my day. That sure wasn't constructive for me, so GOD had HIS Holy Spirit come back into my heart as well as HE gave me verses:

James 1:19-20 (New International Version)
Listening and Doing

Verse 19
My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
Verse 20
for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.

Truth comes from the verses and I could react to shocking matters gracefully. I think I gracefully reacted toward the ex, I gracefully reacted to those who pushed into and cornered me unfairly. With tribulations, I also read Romans 5:03-05. With tribulations we rejoice in our perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope. And hope would not disappoint. That was an encouragement to me.

I am in a good road to recovery. I mean, physically and emotionally. Thank You, GOD Almighty, Man Upstairs. He has been watching me and gave me another nudge to come back to HIM.

Afar: Japanese Pop Group Made Beautiful Lyrics & I Translate Here!

2010-05-27T18:51:00.003+09:00

There is a vocalist group called GReeeeN. They are real-time med students and consider their future professions very seriously, so that their main daily responsibilities are studies and labs. They debuted after winning a contest held by a producer company here in Japan, according to what I had read about them.

Lyrics they make are so beautiful. One day I went to karaoke with this man whom I occasionally date and he sang one of their songs very well and I was moved by the lyrics. The lyrics mainly have a realistic look at life, dreams, efforts to make dreams come true, and love, and they are responded honestly and seriously by the youth in Japan. The titles of the songs are all meaningful, realistic and truthful to one's mind, and so I was very surprised that there is a secure, upfront lyricist amongst those youthful men of mere 20's who can write the straightforward, righteous and earnest living passion like this.

Boyfriend of mine particularly took his liking in a song called "haruka (Afar)" which is a song of the coming of age. A young man determined to make it with his dreams he has set out for the future with, and he is thinking back about what his parents said to him, how important his family has been, how much he loved his old life but would break up all ties so that he can make it in the future. It is a beautiful song. I translated it. I hope in-between-the-line lyrics go through to your soul.

AFAR
(GReeeeN)

Look out the windows,
And time never seems to change my hometown.
I am about to leave for the long journey,
And I see spring wind blow our cherry blossoms.
The longing gets just so strong within me.

"I don't care how much you miss being back home,
Never come home
For it's just what you'd decided to do with your life,"
That's what he is, that last sentence of his note to me.

It was Dad's hopes in me,
To not become a shyster liar.
It was Mom's love for me,
To always laugh away jerks who would hurt me.

Those blue skies with striking clouds as I recall
How much immature I was then.
'Cause I didn't care about what's pained others,
I was hiding my weakness deep within me...

I got to realize however,
That someone had always supported me.
And so I could walk straight like I do now.
I do wish I could be the one
To support others when needed now.

"Go forward, stay straight. Never go astray.
Doesn't matter if what you do is not as good as you'd hope,"
My Dad smiled to me.
"It's better not to have doubts than to keep on trusting others,"
My Mom's teary eyes said to me.

Sayonara, so long till we meet again.
With little concerns and big hopes in my heart,
I am leaving. So that I can come home with this dream come true.
So that I can come home with a big smile in my face.

I will carry
True strength,
True freedom,
True love, and
True anguish,
'Cause I never know how to proceed if I don't know them.
So I decided to go soul searching.

Feel spring wind blow my teary cheeks
To deliver my heart to them.
I will come home for sure when I make it.

Sayonara, so long till I meet again.
I am growing older, you need not to discipline me more.
But I will be here when need be.
I will come home with a big smile in my face.

We keep on walking as we've promised,
For we will make it and never come home even when we miss home.

I will come home for sure, when I make it.
Our hearts are in the spring wind. We'll make you proud.

Let us go along!

All I Want All I Need: WHITESNAKE

2010-05-04T14:42:00.002+09:00

It is a song of giving away your own in the name of your special someone. You are becoming the Sun for that person to shine on smiles and beautiful daily surprises for him so that he will never get bored. No matter if you are tired or feeling impossible with him, you are supposed to get up straight and give him a beautiful happiness of yours so that he feels like being cared for a bit. ALL I WANT ALL I NEED is a song of self sacrifice for the beloved.

ALL I WANT ALL I NEED
(COVERDALE/ALDRICH)

Wherever you go I'll be there
I'll be waiting to care for you
Whatever you want I'll try to give
No mater what I have to do
Through thick an' thin I'll be your friend
By your side 'til the very end
You're all I want all I need
So Baby flow like a river to me

Cause you're all I ever wanted
So come on an' bring it to me

You're all I want all I need
& it's more than I could ask for
You're all I want all I need
So much more than I could ask for

I remember the days when we were young
I held your hand like a precious stone
It's still the same nothing has changed
Baby I'll never ever leave you alone
When I look in your eyes I realize
All the loving I feel is true
An' everything that we've been through
Baby is worth it just to be with you

Cause you're all I ever wanted
So come on bring it to me

You're all I want all I need
An' it's more than I could ask for
You're all I want all I need
So much more than I could ask for

You're on my mind all the time
I'm living on love...

You're all I want all I need
An' it's more than I could ask for
You're all I want all I need
So much more than I could ask for

"Don't Worry" by CHINGY Featuring Janet Jackson

2010-05-02T22:16:00.002+09:00

"Don't Worry"
(by CHINGY, Featuring Janet Jackson)

CHINGY:
Heh What's up? You ain't been talking to me for a couple of days, but its all good. I just wanted to let you know that I know I do some things that's wrong, you do some things that wrong, you know what I'm saying? We ain't perfect, we all make mistakes, na na hold on, I’m talking to you; don't just be trying to leave and stuff like that I’m talking to you, I’m trying to make things better for me and you.

JJ:
Just me and you, oooo chingy,
We don’t matter what we go through.
Just me and you,
we don’t need no body else.
Just me and you, oooo chingy.
I’ma always be down for you.
Just me and you, so don’t worry about a damn thing. Ooh.

CHINGY:
Now that we're together, girl, the lights so bright, it took a little time but now the feelings so right, remember when I snuck through your window at night, bring you flowers and candy, me and you sipping on brandy, plus I appreciate the love on sight, hugging me holding me fixed dinner so polite, even when these tripping pigs we were trying to sue me forget about friends and family you the one that knew me. The way you smile at me keep me feeling alright, this ain’t about fur, fancy cars or ice so I’m dedicating this to my female friend, sincerely yours words cant express my feelings within.

JJ:
Just me and you, oooo chingy, don’t matter what we go through.
Just me and you, we don’t need no body else,
Just me and you, oooo chingy,
I’ma always be down for you.
Just me and you, so don’t worry bout a damn thing, ooh.

CHINGY:
We human so we were gonna fight and fuss at each other, he told me you tripping but girl don’t worry about my brother we have a argument it drive me to go out, you my flesh so me and another woman won't about it, I’m thinking about the times when you flew to my house, don’t I give you everything you want this man ain't a mouse. Am I cheating hell naw hope you got no doubts, rose peddles in the tub baby unbutton that blouse better yet come on you hungry lets eat at Mr. Chows. know you love me when you are mad, you don’t get loud, so I’m dedicating this to my female friend, sincerely yours words cant express my feelings within.

JJ:
Just me and you, oooo chingy, don’t matter what we go through.
Just me and you, we don’t need no body else,
Just me and you, oooo chingy, I’ma always be down for you.
Just me and you, so don’t worry bout a damn thing, ooh.

CHINGY:
I like you style, your grace, your beautiful face, your essences. Your size, your shape this beautiful place of blessing, your weight, your waist, your delicious taste perfection, your height, your sight, with my life as your protection. So sweet like candy, lets raise a family in Miami where the beach so sandy toast to campaign glasses you mo'ami, your scent like the smell fresh air of a leaf and for you I go over my budget no I ain’t cheep can stop grinding till I get er record to the top just know that your on my mind or second on the clock tick-tuck, if you ever need help scream and I’ll come running for my life to trade it in for your dreams!

JJ:
Just me and you, oooo chingy, don’t matter what we go through.
Just me and you, we don’t need no body else,
Just me and you, oooo chingy, I’ma always be down for you.
Just me and you, so don’t worry bout a damn thing...

"You Will Be A Wife of Great Wisdom!!!"

2010-04-30T19:24:00.002+09:00

My goodness... I was playing on web earlier with my mobile phone. My mobile has this web site called "Psychological Diagnostic Tests" by which we can test ourselves to become something that we haven't been yet. So, I decided to get the diagnosis on whether or not I can become a great wife of wisdom.

Questions consisted of several practical questions: Whether or not I get up earlier than the husband if and when I marry. As a Japanese girl, I have a typical Japanese mother who has to get up earlier than the man in life to wear make-up and cook breakfast prior to the husband's wake-up time, so I am guessing I am becoming someone just like that. At the age 77, my Mom is still awake earlier than Dad and wear make-ups and proper clothes prior to Dad's wake-up time. And I look up to her manners. So, I am going to do the same.

Another question that I thought was interesting was whether or not I liked to cook. Actually, I don't care too much about cooking. When I was living in the US, I used to cook rice and other stuff by using micro wave [and most American women would agree that it is an act of cooking, too], so some housewives such as my Mom would say, "Nah, you are not a great cook. You gotta cook right by using pots and pans!"

Oh, another question was about cleaning. I HATE cleaning, although I do clean to the bits if I do start cleaning. I just don't like cleaning, although I do clean for the necessity.

Altogether, the answers seem to be "You will be a terrible housewife", but it turns out that I am going to become a very wise, good wife, who can serve her husband and children well. I bet my Valentine would be happy to hear about that!

Speaking of my Valentine, my boyfriend agreed that he would see me for the third date on the 16th of May. Three days prior to the hospitalization for the cyst surgery. At the hospital, I will stay for the 7 nights and after that I will stay home for another two weeks for recovery purposes. My surgery will be a serious whole-body surgery process. I will be a little nervous about it and he is sweet enough to take me out prior to the hospitalization, although I was the one to ask for the date. ;D It seems he likes to plan dates more than calling and emailing to push me for the dates. So I am playing the role of "Initiator" and he is playing the role of "Detail Fixer" here. Noticing the roles of the couple makes me a great future wife, wouldn't you say?

Heaviness Or Happiness

2010-04-24T16:31:00.003+09:00

Lately I have been having this heaviness on my back. I think it is due to the giant cysts that I carry in my tummy. Eight of them all hang on to my spine in such a way that I get extremely tired after 4pm everyday.

In addition to my heavy back, I have to have frequent bathroom visits which I do not really care to keep up with, if possible, because I am physically not able to get up and go to bathroom by foot every time "I gotta go". But I gotta go when I gotta go, so I get off to go on extra breaks to go to bathroom. One of the leadership people told me cynically if I am getting old in age.

Physical fatigue is one of the symptoms that I have to endure until the surgery is done. In Japan the commuting hours are extra additions. Every morning I gotta keep on staying in this spot in subway train for an hour to commute, and on the way home, every evening I gotta still stay standing for half an hour till the train gets loosened up so that I can get an available seat. Two-hour daily commute --one hour to go and one hour to come-- alone makes me extremely sweaty and tired.

In my private life I started seeing this handsome young businessman. He is not exclusive with me yet, as Japanese dating scenes have such a lot of rules that I am not aware of that I feel tired of obliging. He is thinking now that I am amongst one of his "game", I guess, according to the rule books. We just ended the second dates. If he is interested he would ask me out for the third.

He is a sweet young man, very honest and dependable and quite trustworthy and serious, but hardly ever keeps up with email replies and phone calls unless it is business --do men all ever?--. As a result I feel like I am being forced to wait, which is very, very stressful.

Lately I feel like I am not treated right in anywhere. I feel like nobody treats me right; I mean, not just he or doctors or my parents or anybody else around me. It is one of my selfish cover-up acts for my heavy heart, but I am not in a pretty happy mood right now.

Every afternoon, I feel like trash and all I want is to lay down and nap; yet I have to work and then go home with crowded people in the subway. No place to sit. I am fatigued everyday. I feel emotionally heavy. My boyfriend is a boss at work, so he ignores me at work unless he has a good excuse to talk to me like the other day, when he wanted to ask me about the paid off days during my hospitalization term. I wanted to let him know that I emailed him, so I had whispered him so. He obviously didn't like it. He made a bitter expression in his face and he went away.

Ooops, heavy hearts are not welcome. Emotionally heavy hearts are not accepted by men! No wonder, because my man hardly ever calls me anymore, no more emails or no more phone calls. Of course, he usually doesn't do that either unless he has a stuff to tell me about.

"Hey, Kyoko," my good co-worker would say to me when I am inching myself to the edge of emotional cliff to jump into the bottom of pit.
"What's wrong with you, Kyoko? You need to stop getting downcast like that. What's the long face! Show some of your best smiles to us. You hardly get cheerful in the late afternoons!"

What a sharp observation, my friend! :o

I grinned, and said, "My apologies. I get physically pretty tired around 4pm through 6pm."
"Everyday?"
"Yep. Everyday. Remember that I gotta take surgery?" I already made public that I am taking surgery when my boss/boyfriend showed on the new May 2010 shift timetable that I am taking a long vacation due to the comment such as "Hospitalization-Surgery-Release" typed next to my slot.
"Oh, yeah, I remember. What's that surgery for?"
"Giant Cysts, eight of 'em. One of the symptoms is to get extremely tired. I gotta cut 'em all out. Gotta take a month off work."
"Uh, too bad. But you can take a good enough rest, then. Next time you are back, you feel much better and we all work fine!"
My co-worker's smile is very positive. As well as being a great teammate, he is a good friend, too, so I thanked him.

He is right. I gotta feel it is a great news that I can take them off and I can feel better soon.

My boss/boyfriend is blessed in such a way that he is not realizing is that he has a team of optimists in his team. Most all of the team including myself are very optimistic people. Positive thinking is one of the best ways of working out the daily chores and emotional heaviness. Light comments such as my co-worker's let the loss of personal contacts with my boyfriend out of my thought. Getting antsy about him gives me nothing. He is enjoying his life and I am happy for him.

I also need to think differently about my boyfriend, too. Just because he hardly ever calls me or emails me should not bring me downcast. Since he is not exclusive with me, I am not exclusive with him either. I have no right to complain to him as well as he has no right to complain about what I do. It is obvious that he hardly ever does call even when he is able to do so, I shouldn't worry too much. Happy thoughts should be always in my brain and I should not worry about little things. GOD does the rest of it.

Lately I haven't prayed much. I gotta start praying more.

Freezing Weekend...: April Snow

2010-04-17T21:34:00.004+09:00

I went to a photo site to choose this photo for today's post.

It had been freezing in Tokyo areas for a couple of days around here. This early morning it snowed. When snow is coming, there is this b-line wind that gives me drizzly, freezing moments when we commute early in the morning.

In America, the snow may be this beautiful. Hot cocoa will be on the menu to sip and feel warmer. Fireplace is warm and I get my kitty to warm me up, because he curls up on my lap.

In Japan, we don't have time to taste and enjoy the cocoa. In the earliest of hours, we go march on our mighty streets to go bravely to where we work, straightening out the daily necessities. Japanese commuters walk to their work, riding all commuter trains. They don't go to work by driving like Americans do. It is quite tiresome to walk all the way, but sometimes good things happen. It is beautiful outside and I enjoy walking my walking course as long as the sun is out. But the sun was not up there, so it must have been quite freezing. Luckily, I was having a day off today. ;D

It snowed earlier, but later the sun was coming out and the snow got melted and we were warm enough. I went out to see my lady friend. On the way to her place, it was a bit cold, but on the way home, although the time was getting late, I didn't feel a bit cold at all.

April crazy weather brought old man winter all of sudden and melted him by spring sun.

No Air: Tell Me How I'm Supposed To Breathe With No Air

2010-04-10T13:23:00.008+09:00

NO AIR is originally sung by Jordin Sparks, the winner of the American Idol fame, and she does a great job singing duet with a young hip-hop R&B star Chris Brown. It further made a big smash hit one night with a TV musical GLEE in which cast made a great performance within 2 and half minutes --two main characters fantasized their love and unity while singing all their might with powerful voices--.

It is that chest-squeezing, queasy and bitter, pulse-running sensation within your chest that feels like you have no air. You feel breathless when you lose sight of your beloved is what they are saying in this song. You feel terribly breathless when your deeply beloved stands in front of you and welcomes you in his arms. On both of occasions you feel near-death breathlessness in your heart. You forget how to breathe, and the heart beats like you are having someone inside you knock on your heart to break down the door to enter your heart.

There is no air. You feel breathless. Stomach feels like being grasped by taking it out from your body. Your limbs are getting soft and powerless and you cannot even move them. How am I supposed to survive my life if I cannot see your face; how am I supposed to survive if all I do is to watch you in this way from the behind, song tells you. And that is exactly how you feel when you are in love. You are in the deep water, sinking. You need someone else's help but all you want is his hand.

Life is a complicated thing and we all worry constantly one time or another. Especially when it comes to love and whatever involves your beloved, no matter how long you are together with that person, the more you care for that person, the more you feel the constricted pain in your heart when things get terribly complicated. You are breathless, you feel like you are in the deep water, helpless, feeling like you are jumping into the deep water without a breath. And when you lose sight of your loved one, you feel like you are being lost, your chest hurts literally. You are breathless, you feel like your heart is broken. Daily repetition of those extremes constantly continue as long as you are in love with someone else.

It is a joy to see him smile at you; it is sad to see him stress over work, life, whatever it is obstructing his life; you feel helpless just watching him in pain. And you wish you could help and save him but you can't. And it is also a sense of happiness that you always welcome when you talk with the beloved who seems to genuinely relax and enjoy talking with you. He smiles and looks back at you in pure happiness, and your heart is jumping out of your chest. You are breathless.

Falling for someone else is this easy; it is as though your finger is being snapped and a luck is there for you to take. Mine is always making me breathless, better or worse... Sigh.

***

NO AIR (DUET)
(Griggs, E.; Fauntleroy J., III; Mason, H.; Thomas, D.)

(FEMALE:
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?)

FEMALE:
If I should die before I wake
It's 'cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh

MALE:
I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave
My heart won't move, it's incomplete
If there was a way that I could make you understand

FEMALE:
But how do you expect me
To live alone with just me?
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

TOGETHER:
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
so there's no air, no air

TOGETHER:
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you're goin' be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air

CHORUS:
No air, air
FEMALE: NO
No air, air
MALE: NO
No air, air
TOGETHER: NO
No air, air

MALE:
I walk, I ran, I jump, I flew
Right off the ground to float to you
With no gravity to hold me down for real

FEMALE:
But somehow I'm still alive inside
You took my breath but I survived
I don't how but I don't even care

TOGETHER:
So how do you expect me
To live alone with just me?
'Cause my world revolves around you
It's so hard for me to breathe

MALE & BACKGROUND VOCALS IN CHORUS:
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
There's no air, no air

BACKGROUND VOCALS IN CHORUS:
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you're goin' be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air

No air, air
FEMALE: NO
No air, air
MALE: NO
No air, air
TOGETHER: NO
No air, air
TOGETHER: NO, NOOOOOOH

FEMALE:
No more

MALE:
Baby

TOGETHER:
There's no air, no air
No air, oh!

BACKGROUND VOCALS WITH MAIN VOCALS:
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
NO BREATHING, NO BREATHING AIR
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
There's no air, no air

FEMALE:
Got me out here in the water so deep

MALE:
Tell me how you're goin' be without me?

FEMALE:
If you ain't here I just can't breathe

TOGETHER:
There's no air, no air

(No air)
(No air...)
(No air...)
(No air)

BACKGROUND VOCALS IN CHORUS WITH AD-LIBS:
Tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air?
Can't live, can't breathe with no air
It's how I feel whenever you ain't there
There's no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you're goin' be without me?
If you ain't here I just can't breathe
There's no air, no air

No air, air
No air, air
No air, air
No air

Romance: So Are You My Boyfriend or What?

2010-04-10T01:55:00.006+09:00

It seems a little belated for me to experience "love relationship", but I am realizing that I have come to see the real Japanese dating scenes quite belatedly in life, as I fell in love with this handsome young Japanese man.

I asked out a very cute guy, and he luckily agreed and we "hooked up" the other day for a nice, long date --I invited him to a little potluck party and then he took me out for a nice crape and supper and then we had a nice karaoke hour until I had to go home with a last train home--. It so happened that the day was his birthday. So, it meant something positive and I felt being special for he had chosen me to spend the time on his birthday. A special day for me to spend time with a birthday boy. He sounded like he was enjoying, too. He was a gentleman and showed me he knows how to treat a girl to spend a nice time together.

He is a gorgeous Asian, who doesn't quite have a confidence which he deserves to have about himself. I constantly remind him that I like him a lot, and nowadays he seems to admit that there are some girls who may fall in love for him, but I think he realizes none of his great essence. Actually he should know how proud I am about him and of dating this guy but he seems to be a very shy man and never admits to become a conceit, which is a great trait. He hardly realizes that he has a great package, top to toe. Being extremely modest in front of others, he hardly talks about his appearance.

Japanese boys are different from those Western boys. They are extremely shy, self-conscious, proud and yet excessively sensitive people, when it comes to dating their girls/women. Mine gets pink all over his head to neck when he realizes that I stare at his face in certain ways or meet him at a glance while I am working or something like that. Often, I have to worry about little things not just beyond the extent of our relationship but also his position at workplace and his whole existence in the crowd of his peers. If and when I do something embarrassing to him during our dating relationship, his peers may pick on him, so I need to look better, act better and feel better with myself so that others consider me as a beautiful knock-out or something. In Japan, women need to see to that the boys are not having a very awkward position with becoming our dates. Japanese women do extend their romantic "cares" for their men to the extent wider than those of what western women would do. It is almost as though marriage of some sort were being started. Japanese women don't express how much effort they make for the guys but guys do know although they say nothing like "I owe you one" or "Thanks for always making me look like a great person". But in general guys are supposed to be thankful without being verbally expressive. They should know that girls do extend their affection to that much.

In America the women wonder when their men call; we do that all the same in Japan. It seems like a phrase, "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus," can also ring true in Japan. Men do not realize that women tend to "count their blessings of love" by receiving how many calls their men would make. In Japan boys don't give out emails unless they have a business or something necessary to be recorded in writing to attend to, so situation gets a bit uptight when guys don't return their messages right away as the girls send out tons of messages. Some girls are considered having "heavy" hearts and men distance themselves from such girls.

I emailed my Mr. Cute Valentine a thank-you message for the date that night; he wrote me back the next day, reciprocating by saying he enjoyed the night out, which is a good manner of my Valentine's. After that, I have not received anything from him. My girlfriend at work says, "Oh, Kyoko, it is so true and ordinary for us girls to receive less notes from guys. In my case, I didn't receive many but I could marry the guy". I asked her how she did it: "Oh, it is nothing special. You just wait. And men would come around if and when they need ya." Hmm. I hope the Valentine needs me in person, which I wonder if he cares about that so much, but he did show up for the first date with me, I considered his actions quite positively. I know nothing about his thought process, though, because I have no idea if he considers me his girlfriend or what.

In Japan the romance goes with girls' initiatives, when guys they see are very, very shy. Mine is extremely shy and even naive to certain aspects at the beginning of dating relationships, so I guess I gotta take an initiative in asking out the man. He already gave me phone number and email address; we already used the mail addresses and phone numbers of each other when we were heading to the spot where we were meeting, so he knows my number and I know his. Unless all of sudden he hates me and blocks my number and address, he should be able to talk back somehow if interested. 15th day of the month is always the pay day in this workplace we work for, so I am thinking approaching him with a movie date in mind, as I recall he said he would like to go see movies.

At first, I was very awkward about taking an initiative. Like "I gotta do this all myself? ...Oh, wow." But when the date starts, the man takes a good initiative and makes a decisive approach, it seems. It is a beginning that he gets shy about. I am hoping my phone call will still make a good effect like brighten his day. I am thinking of mid afternoon to call him on his day off --hoping he is awake by then--.

Mine turned out to be the one who works at my workplace, so the situation is more serious. One wrong step and he falls for a bad position. Although the workplace of ours do not forbid the inter-office romance, the romantic couples are accountable of what and how they should act like when they do have a relationship inside the same team or the same department.

Mine hardly comes near me at work, knowing that communicating with me will probably create a certain familiar aspect to the others and he would not like to see other teammates ogle or tease at us. Me, either, so I myself keep a deadpan facial expression when he definitely has to talk to me at work. He seems to soften down a bit lately because he has no other chance to talk to me privately, so I am thinking of calling him at his private time like his day off or something, hoping he is able to pick up the phone.

According to what I read online, women don't consider their men their regular dates until they hit the third dates' mark. Madonna once said on American TV [as I recall in the 90s] that she would not kiss the man until she hits the sixth date. So Japanese women do have similar thought process as Madonna does. Funny how women count their dates to be afforded for time and money of their men. Mine doesn't have too much money as he is one of the cheap salary men in Japan [meaning businessmen in suites], so I need to consider his bank balance when it comes to take initiatives in dating. Men in Japan do keep their lives quite cheap when they are alone, so they can save money for dating later. When their luck hits them [like my lucky date here, being asked out for a date and being adored dearly by a woman] they check out their dating accounts and get into dating mode.

Mine was very gentle to me and I was very impressed how kind he can be to a woman. I certainly felt positive about his attitude toward me. We talked a lot about ourselves, and we got to know one another, which was a great step forward, in my mind.

I hope he would like another date, because I sure do adore him so.

My Baby: Sweet Love Nothings

2010-04-03T21:13:00.006+09:00

I hate to admit myself, but it so happens that I am being in love with this gentle guy, so I am listening to the tender number today. I do listen to the tough, explosive rock numbers at times, but because I'd spent a tender evening with him yesterday and I am feeling a little soft now. My Baby is a soft tune by Janet Jackson, with her easy, sweet nothings with Kayne West's sweet rap. She made a lot of collaborations and this one is a good one that heals me personally. I feel at ease while listening to it. ;) I can either literally fall asleep or move fast accordingly with my own mood with this number in my ipod.

Love is a hasty feeling. One moment is what you need; you see him at the door and you fall in love. My girlfriend once told me that she immediately fell in love with then her boyfriend when he had drove by to pick her up for their first date. It was a fixed blind date for her, so she met a stranger for the first time and was lucky enough to drop dead for his gorgeous outlooks and his gentle smiles.

Once we fall in love with someone else, we know nothing else. Glances go to their directions, our thoughts are occupied fully with them. MY BABY is mine, she declares...

----------------------------------

MY BABY
(JACKSON/WEST/LEWIS/HARRIS)

[RAP]
Who need to hook me up with some of her home girls?
Yeah, Janet Jackson!
We back, baby!

[CHORUS]
Don't matter what they say baby,
They just don't know my baby.
And how I feel about you
'Cause you're so ooh

So many said we'd
(never)
Never know love like this
(but)
They never felt your kiss
(felt your kiss)
And how good your touch could be
(so)
Many a days I face the pressure to walk away
(way)
From what the people say
(people say)

[B-Section]
Baby
(baby)
These butterflies they never lie
Been thru so much pain before
(and)
Baby
(baby) - I had to try
'Cause you're not like most guys.
And I ain't ashamed to say that you're my...

[Hook]
Baby
(baby)
Don't matter what they say baby
(baby)
They just don't know my baby.
And how I feel about you,
Baby
(baby)
Don't matter what they say baby
(baby)
I won't let go my baby.
And how I feel about you

[Verse 2]
When you look in my eyes,
I wish you could read my mind
(and)
And know how I feel inside
(feel inside)
And hear what they say about you.
Just because they can't see
(see)
You're more than enough for me
(why)
Why can't they just let us be
(can't they just let be)
And leave us alone.

[B-Section]
[Hook (2x)]

[Rap]
I go by the name Kanye Omari
And I wrote this just to say I'm sorry.
I have foreign cars and housesI have porno stars and spouses.
You tryin' to stab one like Jack the Ripper,
I was tryin' to stabe two like Jack the Tripper!
My nigger Tone been locked for a minute.
He come home he
And I'm a big tipper I don't need to be trippin'?
This my first Rolex it don't even be tickin'.
This my first pair of earrings
I can wear in the shower,
Without them clouding up in half an hour.
So that basically mean my paper getting mean.
Basically mean I'm into better things.

I was an addict of cheating but I stopped before
You an addict you go with Janet Jackson you cured!
[Hook]
[Vamp Out]
Don't matter what they say baby,
They just don't know my baby.
Don't matter what they say baby,
I won't let go, my baby.
But y'all don't know a thing about my...
My baby
(baby)
My baby
(baby)
There's more to his love than what y'all see,
And it don't describe what he is to me...

(C)TOSHIBA EMI

"I Get Lonely" by Janet Jackson

2010-03-29T19:29:00.003+09:00

I GET LONELY
(JACKSON/HARRIS/LEWIS)

*CHORUS*
I get so lonely,
Can't let just anybody hold me.
You are the one,
That lives in me, my dear.
Want no one but you...

Sittin here with my tears,
All alone with my fears,
I'm wonderin' if I have to do
Withoutcha...

But there's no reason why
Fell asleep late last night.
Cryin' like a newborn child,
Holdin myself close,
Pretendin my arms are yours...
I want no one but you...

I get so lonely,
Can't let just anybody hold me.
You are the one,
That lives in me, my dear.
Want no one but you...
*REPEAT CHORUS*

I still remember to the day,
In fact 'tis was a 3rd Monday,
You came along to be the one for me,
Now I'm alone...

Sittin here by the phone,
Call and say that you're okay,
So that I'll have the chance
To beg you to stay...
I want no one but you

I get so lonely,
Can't let just anybody hold me.
You are the one,
That lives in me, my dear.
Want no one but you...
*REPEAT CHORUS*

*AD-LIB BRIDGE*
Gonna break it down,
Break it down, break it down.
Gotta break it down.
Break it down, break it down,
Whoa...

You know,
That I know,
That I get so lonely thinking of you
Oh-hooh
Noo whoa hooo. . .

I get so lonely,
Can't let just anybody hold me.
You are the one,
That lives in me, my dear.
Want no one but you...
*REPEAT CHORUS*

(C) TOSHIBA EMI

Eight

2010-03-19T22:30:00.003+09:00

It is not just 8 at the end of my name. 8 is my favorite number. Yet I never thought of having eight cysts inside my tummy. MRI showed me I had eight of them. One of them is the huge one. Size of American football, placed vertically at the position of my stomach. My stomach is virtually pushed upward and that is the reason why I am eating like a pecking bird. Seven medium-sized cysts are placed near at the urinary tracts and digestive tracts. That is why I am having frequent bathroom visits. Kidneys are having a tough time holding all the pees inside. It is being crushed from hanging seven cysts.

American football which is placed at the position of my stomach is officially called "Giant Cyst Syndrome, Benign Tumor." Other ones are called "Giant Cyst Group Syndrome". Doctors did not see my cysts to be this big and this many. MRI made it crystal clear. Thank GOD.

However, it is not just one cyst but 8 of them. One of them turned out to be the huge one. So, I am very scared to tell you I am going to be officially declared operation pending patient. Lady doc who gave me the initial exam skipped a few processes ahead to speed up the phase. I am supposed to meet up with the chief surgeon on the 29th of March. He will officially declares the date of the surgery along with the date of hospitalization, which the lady doc says perhaps will be at the end of May to early June. I am hoping they can make it at the end of April. But they seem like a lot of patients waiting to see their huge tumors removed. I am not the only one who is in a hurry.

At this time I am hoping and praying that the LORD is going to help me spiritually. I was quite upset to the fact that I had not one but EIGHT cysts in my little tummy and my popped up stomach is not popped up because of cysts but because of my lifted-up stomach, and I was due surgery last year or so and now I am overdue and my symptoms are having me in pains everyday, and I was pretty upset with all that. You can say that I was pretty sorry about myself.

You know it is an emotional release to write about things happening around me, and I didn't expect myself to know so much about cysts and tumor and all that about my uterus. Doctor said she can ask the surgeon to leave behind the uterus if uterus is not diseased. Perhaps it is because I meet youthful people around me and I am not young enough for some of them and I am adoring a young guy and all that, but I feel like I am still a woman in myself if the uterus is being left behind. Womb is such a great existence. I didn't even realize it. My cute supervisor, my loving crush, once told me that he thinks I am still cute enough and young enough that I can bear children. I wish that is true that it came out of his heart, because it really gave me a moment to think of my life.

My life was always with careers and knowledge and education. My dad brought me up to be his son. He didn't let me enjoy the romance or going out with boyfriends, having great time with male friends, something like that. I was proper and I had to live properly. I became what I am LONG after 20's and particularly after I became independent in the States. I am now regretting that I didn't bear kids. I wish I did. The children would have been my legacy then.

Ah, well. I am hoping and praying things will be better.

Growth

2010-03-19T01:47:00.004+09:00

***This picture is from Vann Zratha's page. ***

"Oh, no." Doctor saw nothing in ultrasound. Everything is pitch black. There is a white shade on top.

"Do you know what it is??"

"No."

"That's your Ovary."

"Where is other stuff?"

"Hidden from the cyst this big," her long fingers made a shape of American Football, an elongated ball of perhaps 20 to 25 cm (9 to 11 inches) wide.

With a cyst that so enlarged within me, I felt at loss of a word, but knew that the picture tells the thousands of truth.

Yesterday was a day that I made an appointment with the doctor who would take off my tumor. It is no longer a cyst, the lady doctor said, as it had grown to that extent. That extent, she meant, was a black shade on echo ultrasound pictures and black to gray lump within the lower stomach that showed a huge big lump sleeping within me in the CT Scan. Lady doctor said, "We need to take MRI to see the exact size of it. I already know that the cyst at a size of your closed fist grew to be bigger than a football within your lower stomach. It was luckily not reaching lungs but it came to the upper torso reaching stomach. Your stomach is being pushed from the bottom, so your stomach is popping up like you are being 8-month pregnant or something. However, it is good that we found you here. We will take a good care of you. You are definitely a candidate for our surgery."

It was good that I finally came to the right place. It was not good that I needed a surgery as soon as possible. I have no funds to start with. But the doctor said we will talk about this later. First she wanted to do echo ultrasound on the immediate site, then had me take MRI and blood test and a whole check-ups by taking the most of that day. It is almost like being touched here and injected there.

"Seems it is a benign," the doctor said. "You are lucky. We specialize in what you need."

Price of the surgery is expensive. It is not insurable. Because of the size limitations in insurance funds organizers, hospital is trying to see if patients can agree with paying their own fees without getting insurance to pay for it. If you put things in insurance union, the union will set up the size to the methodologies of surgery, doctor says, so that they are trying to see if everything will be doable with less insurance perspective.

It is good to be in a wider perspective, but the payments will be a huge debt. 1.47 million yen (=710,000 US Dollars) including the check-ups both prior to and post surgery. Doctor was not looking at me, a person. She was looking at the size of the tumor that she can take off from my body so that she could make a huge announcement at the academic presentation to present the best possible way to get rid of the "giant cyst syndrome", as she put it. Yet it is a good thing that she is so intent at working with me. Doctors' help in unison needs to be there when I need some alignment with the hospital to pay for the surgery/hospitalization. Hence, after the surgery I gotta work very hard to keep up with the hospital's demand to pay for the dues. ;(

Growth had even grown into a bigger size, according to the lady doctor. "Seems as though the thing had grown. Are you by any chance having a hormone imbalance?" I shook my head no. She smiled lightly and said, "Ah, well. Look, you need to get through with the surgery and it will be a big surgery, you know. Seems that it has grown even bigger. We need to have it taken care of." I met her at 14:45, spent time in labs and check-ups and finally came out of the hospital at 17:00. Couldn't help but drink a couple of good cups of coffee.

Tomorrow I am supposed to have a final say from the chief surgeon who looks at my MRI photo to see if he and his hospital can take care of this big a tumor. And some ducts and internal areas that the tumor has crashed will need to be lifted from their heavy weight of the tumor.

Nevertheless, I am being scared of going into the phase of surgery. I will get sicker, feel terrible, hurt and painful prior to and post surgery and I need to stay home useless for 15 more days. Work would pay for it but it still gives me chills on my neck. Huge fear.

May GOD of all the world and Heavens will lift my right hand and say, "Kyoko, you will survive for I am here for you." Amen.

Easter Time

2010-03-14T21:54:00.005+09:00

This Easter season is very different. Easter is the time we celebrate the return of Christ, but I have a painful surgery coming up in early summer, knowing my tumor is getting to grow even bigger, and I am realizing that my symptoms are getting worse. I am in a mess physically as well as mentally, as I am very scared.

I wish there were a big Angel who can stand with me physically to protect me. I have no one when it comes to my illness. I have never had a surgery and I had never had a tumor of this sort to eat inside my tummy although they say the tumor itself is BENIGN and should not create a new complication or anything like that.

I have no experience in prolonging ailment that requires the hospitalization and the surgery. It is a huge, tremendous fear that I go into that operation room to be operated while I am unconditionally anesthetized and feel nothing but my life depends on the wisdom of the doctors who cuts me open.

The physicians whom I am to meet with will be the trustworthy physicians who even went abroad in the US to study the newest surgical methods. However, not knowing the extent of the surgery, not knowing the exact content of my huge tumor inside my body --more than a huge head of a child--, not knowing the extent of what to be happening when and how, I am very, very, very scared. Fearful. I'm frightened of the situation where things get worse, or when the physicians find out that something is amiss or something is wrong with me that they cannot operate, or when they see me and tell me they cannot operate because of lack of funds or something, etc., I am SCARED.

Fear doubles up. I pray GOD to soothe me, and HE does soothe me somewhat, but HE cannot completely do so because the tumor is inside me and growing its dark shadows even bigger at this minute. I feel like Satan is inside me and squeezing me.

I depended upon friends new and old and family who would care most for me, the boy whom I care so much to integrate my fear into something totally different, but it didn't work. I am scared and the fear is bottomless.

During the Easter time the LORD is coming back to us. He was killed but HE comes back with celebration of HIS Eternal Life and Faith in our spirits. I would have a great time celebrating it every year but it is not the time right now to enjoy the season. I am being senselessly fearful of what to take place later.

I have been asking for something that will make me feel healed somehow, and I have been praying for someone that I can leave my legacy within. And yet my heart is amiss.

May GOD Almighty hear and forgive me for having less faith. May HE bless me in every way, though. May HE forgive me for not celebrating HIS Return this year because I feel as though time is constricting me... May HE grab my Right Hand and say: "I have a Good Plan for you, Kyoko."

May His Water quench me... And may HE heal me...

"CAN YOU HEAR THE WIND BLOW": What To Expect In My Heart

2010-03-13T01:41:00.013+09:00

Are you ready? Are you ready to make a big choice here?

I am listening to WHITESNAKE right now... The song is CAN YOU HEAR THE WIND BLOW. Makes me think of many things... This song is a love song but is about entering a tumultuous relationship.

Going into a serious love relationship with your special someone will be something like stepping into the unknown storm or twister. Once the door is opened, you cannot stop. Roaring wind with blowing noise that can be deafening to your ears and you can never hear anything else. Passion is this deep, this serious. If you make a mistake with whom to fall in love, you turn out to regret making such a wrong choice and you will feel disabled for years afterwards. And there is nobody to confirm the choice other than GOD who is always Silent to you but gives you the Signs, so HE will let you know the Signs later, but at first, you are on your own.

Starting a deep love relationship with your special someone can be that much dangerous as well as exciting."Can you hear the wind blow, signifying changes we're going thro'?" David Coverdale asks his girl a question in his song, "CAN YOU HEAR THE WIND BLOW".

Are you ready? Are you sure that you are brave enough to forgo everything and come into my roaring heart where the weather is not always sunny and pretty safe for you?

It could be a big wrong choice. What if you are wrong? Can you take the responsibility? Do you still feel certain that you are ready to make such a big move?

It is no laughing matter. It is too big a bet. Entering deep into a romantic relationship can be extremely stormy, disturbing and horrible if the choice is wrong. I mean, I don't make fun of it. Forrest Gump's Mamma's famous quote is so right: "Life's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." David is asking for a decision right now: "Love's like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get, but are you ready for me?"When we fall in love, we don't see ourselves straight. Love is blind and things can be skewed when we look. Hey, here is a blind love cliche for you when you think he is a cute bud and all of your friends say, "Yuck!"

We never care for other silly things but our love interests themselves. "All I want is just to spend my life with you," David says. Just staying with that special someone in the space where he is with you makes you feel warm enough, then you are in love. But this term, "spend the life with you," can make a huge twist for your life. You are in love, your eyes are glued to that special someone; hence, you can see nothing else right and correct. You never see what is wrong with that nice package who is standing in front of you with hungry eyes.

Hey, if and when he is demanding the romantic door to be opened for him, you just open it wide without consideration, right? It is a very dangerous thing to do, opening up yourself to someone else.You never know that person well. Ergo you wanna go slow. It is almost like my American Mamma's vintage message: "Don't fall first but go slow. 'Ti's better to make him fall for you instead. Take a firm step back and pray."

So here you are standing under the cloud which is getting darker than the ground you are standing on with him. Wind blows and nasty rain drops drip from somewhere. Sky is all dark and you never know when you will get home. Rain drops make strong beats on the roof of your car, hurrying you to drive up that hill. Driving in the weather like this makes anybody scared. But we all do for that special someone if he or she asks us. In the name of love, we endure the tough weathers. When you fall for a dangerous someone, you never know what to expect. What you just focus on is his or her eyes looking down on yours.

David says falling in love "signifies the changes" we go through. Relationships are compromises and giving away priorities for others. We do make the major changes in between. Once you are together with him or her, you give away the freedom that you had for your own because the special someone, deserving all the attention from you, is able to enter your world, and thus you are forgoing your own special privileges but giving him or her your oath of love.

So, can you endure the love? Are you ready for the love this deep, oath this serious, choice this magnificent?

***

"CAN YOU HEAR THE WIND BLOW"

Over the mountains across the sea
I know love is waiting for you and me
You don't have to worry
It's never too late
Grab a hold now, Baby
Now don't you hesitate

All I want is just to spend
My life with you...

Can you hear the wind blow for me and you
Signifying changes we're going thro'
Can you hear the wind blow
Ride the rainbow and you will see

There's a Garden of Eden for you and me
You don't have to worry
Just feel the fire inside
Pretty Baby I want you
I'll keep you satisfied
All I want is just to spend
My life with you...

Can you hear the wind blow for me and you
Signifying changes we're going thro'

Can you hear the wind blow
All I want is just to spend my life with you
Take it easy on the curves an' we'll get thro'

Can you hear the wind blow
Over the mountains across the sea
I know love is waiting for you and me
You don't have to worry it's never too late
Grab a hold now, Baby

Now don't you hesitate
All I want is just to spend
My life with you...

Can you hear the wind blow for me and you
Signifying changes we're going thro'
Can you hear the wind blow for me and you
Signifying changes we're going thro'

Can you hear the wind blow for me and you
Signifying changes we're going thro'

Can you hear the wind blow...

(Coverdale/Aldrich, 2006)

***

I walk to my nearest commuter station every morning. It is far, taking at least 27 minutes by foot. Unless I have a terrible headache, I listen to the Hard Rock/Heavy Metal or R&B Dance music in my phone that has ipod inside to go upbeat tempo to walk along. I gotta walk a lot to the nearest station, to and fro, so I need the background music to get in the fast tempo with.

WHITESNAKE is one of the bands that I deeply love listening to when I am doing almost anything. I don't care what I do, I love listening to David Coverdale's baritone voice cutting through the three guitars of WHITESNAKE. He is a great singer.Amongst all the love songs he wrote, I love this song best. Very strong, very forceful yet tenderly loving to his "Baby" in the lyrics. Come to think of it, he never writes anything else but love songs. This one is my favorite because he says he will keep his baby satisfied and protects her against all odds. It is a great song.

Love the guitar play by Doug Aldrich. Yeah, cool.

***

...Oh, back to the topic.

I forgot to tell you. ...So am I ready to go make that romantic leap for him to commit? He gotta ask me that.

Life Itself

2010-03-05T15:50:00.017+09:00

I was informed that I had a large cyst, which weighed almost 11 lbs. When I heard this fact, I was being hospitalized by suffering from viral stomach infection, and kept on throwing up and having diarrhea. It was a hellish 7-day hospitalization, and I got it over on Christmas Day late that year. On the sixth day of my hospitalization, the doctor informed me that I had a huge ovary cyst, which was a size of a tumor crushing some of my intestinal ducts of various areas. Benign, but definitely a tumor. Not a palm-sized cyst. It is a size of an eight-year old child's hemisphere. It is almost like I am being pregnant for good with this huge head inside myself. And I cannot give birth to it, as it is not alive.

Symptoms that I currently feel include high frequencies of bathroom visits, lower stomach hardness to touch, extreme fatigue after 4pm or 5pm, heaviness in lower back and both feet which are swollen without even water intake or anything else. If I take a mega vitamin early in the morning, I can stay able to work and function another hour or two at work, but it is not always that easy.

When I started working at my current workplace, I had met a very cute supervisor. I had a real good, immediate crush on this guy. My heart was moved by him. He demanded my attention without even asking for it. Why? Because he is a natural born leader, having a sense of sunny optimism about almost anything he would face, and never seeks to fight or confront with others. He is a hard-working, good student to anything he learns anew. He was a fresh wind to my heart. When I met him for the first time, I was being taken by his straight, piercing almond eyes that saw through not just my eyes but softly cut into my honest heart and whatever is on my mind. It's almost like a fate, a destiny, a great chemistry that I get interested in him, as I was pulled strongly toward this individual. I tried for many times not to do so, never to get attracted by a man who works around me, but he proved to be someone very special. He is a hard-working, very serious guy with good sensitivities and higher study grades and good performance at work. He is cute and sweet, a nice package, and I was very taken by him. No matter what a nasty remark I would make against him, he proves to make things positively and make me feel welcomed. He didn't expect me to get interested in him, and I think he is still not sure even right now. No matter how many times I tell him I am interested, he wouldn't understand because he is such a serious, truthful guy.

The guy is so sweet he knows that I get tired after late hours of afternoons, so he often gives me time to rest. He does not expect me to thank him but he knows what is coming when the clock hits four or five and I look extremely tired and grow quiet. And even when I am upset with him, he is trying hard to find something positive about me. He is a life itself in me, so to speak. He notices the power is lower in me when I am tired.

I didn't think about my "power of LIFE" until the doctor gave me that big BAD news of me having a tumor inside my tummy. Though it is a benign tumor, I am still a patient with upcoming surgery, and I cannot help but think about my LIFE and availability of my own life in the future. My life was looking like a total waste in the past. Nobody knows what I had been doing unless I would explain for myself. If I am gone, then there was nobody to explain for me. I didn't have anything that I could leave as a "legacy". Well. Let's see. Nothing is here to stay after I happen to die on the operation table...

All of sudden the life itself looks very large and heavy, actually. I wondered what I would have done if I knew this was coming so early. What would I have done? I would have gotten married. I would have been in love, the precious real love. I wish I were in love relationship with the naive, sunny and beautiful almond eyes. He could share with me whatever he would not with others and he will be mine. Maybe it is too late to do so, I thought, as I found out about my tumor belatedly. But I will be able to have left my own romantic legacy in him and in his loving memory and maybe he can shed a tear or two when he knows I am gone, if I go sick all of sudden on operation table and end up dying. I feel like I am not leaving anything if I leave this end of the world right now...

So all of sudden I would like to have this live notion of being in love. I wanted someone to pay me closer attentions and give me romance. I decided to let him know that I adore him in person. Joy of having a life ahead of you means a romantic future. I asked him out for a karaoke one night and he, not realizing I was proposing him to have a date with me, said he would take time to do so. He says, he prefers taking it slow.

"Oh," I thought to myself. Well, I didn't expect him to say that; and the timing is bad! "I am getting sick, darn it! I sure need to get on with going a date with you!"

But I decided to go along. This man is a real rare one. He is an innocent, well-to-do, naive guy with a pure, loving heart. He is so naive that he wouldn't realize that I am trying to hook up with him. He sees me watch him, he sure blushes all the way to his beautiful necklines when I either put on shirts that are fit to body or talk about him with other teammates in front of him, and he flushes to shocking bright pink in his clear cheeks with whatever I say to him. He is very sweet and I adore him.

On Valentine's Day I gave him a little handmade card for him, because he had said he did not receive any card this year. It may have made him feel like I was sympathizing with him or something and that was why I gave him a handmade card. He did not expect me to give him such cards, so he sure raised his eye brows a bit to wonder and stare at me when I handed him my handmade card, but he probably didn't feel anything. On the phone conversations I gave him an idea of how much I cared for him at the end of each phone call, and he would audibly get stuck with words to return and stutter but did not realize for sure that I have deep feelings for him. His best quality in character is to have a sense of good modesty. He is so modest that I bet he stands with no idea right now that I am in love with him.

Joy of having a romantic relationship and having a little heart dancing up and down in front of myself mean something worthwhile living. Falling for him has made my everyday a real beautiful beginning. Knowing to have a person who care for you made a difference. Everyday I live with a blessing from GOD, and every morning I cannot wait for the day to start. His shyness, his blushing pink cheeks, his strong energy, his handsome leadership, his pure joy and his happy smiles that he gives to almost anybody whom he meets daily as well as his serious face he makes during being at work really made my life worthwhile to live on, making my life feel satisfying like living for somebody else made me feel meaningful, it was almost like seeing a healthy life itself. I would go into the phase of pre-surgery and I am going to be sicker again, but as long as I see him walk in his life joyfully, I feel my life positive and sweet.

Having a benign tumor inside you means life and death everyday. Even prior to the doctor's meeting with me, my huge cyst can make a wrong turn and I can fall sicker and go straight into the operation room. But my parents don't know (because that is not necessary for them to realize) and he doesn't know (because knowing that will make him sad), but I feel okay. He is there and shows me fun.

My ailment has showed me the depth of having life on the edge, and it continues to do so. But life itself is good enough. I have GOD and this sweetheart of the guy whom I care for so much, and friends and buddies aside. Legacy is not formed yet and I have no DNA to leave on anyone or romantic legacy in his memory. But life is good. So far, life is good.

Inspire

2010-02-26T20:49:00.004+09:00

I didn't know this until recently but I have been told that I am somehow inspiring many others around me because I am being such a powerful person. My friends call me being a "very powerful" person who can "influence others with my ideas and opinions". Well, maybe in the US, I am forceful and upfront. I had never considered myself as such a tacky, inspiring person, however, after I came back home almost ten years ago. I guess obviously I have been quite an impact to those around me both at work and in my private life.

When I was still in Japan before I even went abroad to experience those valuable decade in the States, I was such an introvert. I was so awkward that I had a tough time meeting people. Now I have no problem. When I was a teen, I couldn't do anything alone, being insecure and awkward about almost anything that I would do then. Nothing'd be making me feel confident or proud of myself when I was a teen. Probably that was because my father was a tyrant and never acknowledges other people's feelings [even now] to tell them what he thinks of them. My father is still a tyrant but I know how to control my own emotion. I was lucky enough to have been apart from such a bad influence that he was on me. United States welcomed me with the way I was and they nurtured me in such a way that I could come to terms with myself and finally come back to love myself. I won independence there and I grew up psychologically in Raleigh NC as well as spiritually in church. Twelve years I spent in the US turned out to be one of those long-term learning and they became back bones that I now to adapt my new life back home.

I do not mean to inspire people; people just come around me. I tend to stand out amongst the crowd, and people look at me without meaning to. I am not meaning to be a Queen of the Moment, but they look at me and obviously think that I am a tacky one. It is a lot of laughter if you ask me. I never consider myself beautiful or knock-out, but Japanese guys look at me the way they look at pretty foreigners. In that sense I feel like I do not belong to anywhere in the whole world, because I had been a foreigner in the US for over twelve years and now I am a distant persona in my own country. I am on my own. I am a lone wolf and don't mind taking lunch alone. In Japan people talk and walk in groups that they need to stay in groups. I hate to stay belonging to a group that I do not feel like belonging with, so although I am not a persona non Grata, I stay apart from group-minded people. That makes others feel that I am different too. They think I am a tacky standout but they don't think I am a snub or extremely out of it offensively that they feel like they shouldn't talk to me or something. I am just a different persona for them, so it may take a long time for them to accept me, but they accept me okay. Once they learn how to talk to me [not verbally but learning how my brain works or something, since they feel I am thinking differently] in their own ways, they welcome me into their nests. Here, I also got to inspire others. I gave nicknames to my co-workers without getting offensive or being mean, and they appreciated the names that they call one another with those cute names. I welcome the peace amongst the members of my own team.

Inspiration doesn't come so easily to anyone around me. People are pretty tired around me. And I am not lying if I say that I am getting tired, too, after a decade in Japan, because I am tired. Up and rising early in the morning, I gotta go through crowded trains and walking miles from home to stations to and from work, working almost ten hours here and there and come home in crowded trains again. Busy crowds always walk briskly and so fast. My Mom once told me that she noticed how I walk so fast now. I believe so, too. Everyone is saggy around me from the morning. Every morning I see almost same members in train and I never see them awake. And I am constantly sleepy also. They and I sleep standing still for an hour in the commuter train. How I stand still asleep is one of the wondrous questions that I never ever can answer. Yet I come to realize I am an inspirer. People around me smile and talk to me as though I am coming to them to inspire them new things. My friends love me for what I do and what I tell them and what I inspire them simultaneously. My inspiration includes prayers and talking about my own faith.

I met a man at work and fell for him in person romantically after he became able to counsel me many things. He seems reciprocated and he is also interested in me somehow and we flirt a lot at work. He blushes at time and doesn't quite realize this little romance is overtaking our lives here. He is a charming one in his 30s, being typically very insecure yet serious, honest, innocent and naive. He's a young man who can be easily deceived by many bad things, I saw. I pray for him all the time that he would come to the LORD Christ and drops all the things from his overtly stressed shoulders. Life is not easy for someone like him in his position. I see him walk by with an insanely sad, lost face sometimes when he gets stuck with stressful events at work where he gets in trouble without erring on his own but his team does. And the man seems as though he were not possessed with his own joy in life, and he even looks empty of his own emotion. I feel sad myself whilst looking at the happy young man lose his own smiles and happiness in heart. I go to GOD that he will find the LORD and LORD will find him also. LORD has obviously found him already in much thirst, giving him the quenching Water he'd needed, blessing him time to time, giving him occasions to smile and let me share his precious time to laugh with him about some little funny things. He often blushes and his cute blushing smile melts me and blesses me at the same time. His blushing smiles are my own blessings therefore. ;-)

I am not attempting to inspire others deliberately but I know I can affect positively those who work around me. I am a positive and extremely optimistic person and don't see water glass a half gone but half full. I see many with despairs with their words and unhappiness they create upon their own lives and often I help them unbind themselves from the bondage that they did not mean to have. Then, some of them call me an inspirer. Maybe so. Maybe not. But it all came from my Almighty Lord who saves me everyday.

Inspire. Encourage the lost to get up and see the sunrise. I don't attempt to deliberate the salvation, but I have saved those who wished to kill themselves to come to Christ. Inspire. Christ inspires me and HE leads me. Give a hearty smile to those who forgot how to smile back. Inspire. Inspire. Inspire...

Dedication of Love & Friendship: Bridge Over Troubled Water (Simon & Garfunkel)

2010-02-20T21:10:00.007+09:00

Lately I hear songs about love and lust; however, I hardly ever hear a song about being a sacrifice for loved ones. Laying down ourselves for the important, most adored people in life comes from the spirit of Jesus Christ.

I have a friend whom I care so much for and he doesn't know Christ. All I wish for him is to receive the Lord's Great News by getting to know Christ.

My friend's dedication and friendship just reminded me of this song. Someday I wish to dedicate this song to him when I do go out for a karaoke or something with him.

His encouragement, his resilience, his listening ears, and his comfort have been much more than a moment's solace. I was very weary about life when I had met him, so I am always appreciating his graciousness toward me and how hard he works in anything that he does. This song reminds me of his selflessness for those whom he cares deeply for and I wish to let him know there is a good friend here, too, who would do the same for him. It is an honor to have known him and he doesn't even realize how important his mere existence is for me right now.

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATER
(SIMON & GARFUNKEL)

When you're weary,
Feeling small,
When tears are in your eyes,
I will dry them all;
I'm on your side, hmm...
When times get rough.

And friends just can't be found,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

When you're down and out,
When you're on the street,
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you.
I'll take your part.
Hmm...when darkness comes.

And pain is all around,
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down.

Sail on silver girl,
Sail on by.
Your time has come to shine.
All your dreams are on their way.
See how they shine.
Ooh, if you need a friend.

I'm sailing right behind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind.
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will ease your mind...

(P) 1970 SONY Music Entertainment, Inc.
(C) SONY Music Japan International, Inc.

Let It Be: The LORD Will Lead You

2010-02-12T18:34:00.006+09:00

LET IT BE (Lennon/McCartney)

When I find myself in times of trouble,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
Let it be.

And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
Let it be.

Let it be, let it be, let it be, oh, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom,
Let it be.

And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer,
Let it be.

For though they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see,
There will be an answer.
Let it be.

Let it be, let it be, .....

And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light,
That shines on me,
Shine until tomorrow,
Let it be.

I wake up to the sound of music,
Mother Mary comes to me,
Speaking words of wisdom,
Let it be.

Let it be...

****************

I cram myself with unwanted, unneeded worries when things don't work out. Knitting my hands and getting nervous about almost anything surrounds me, I come to the point where I finally give up on all of the troubles. "Oh, well!" I would say. "Almighty GOD will take care of it from now on!" I just hand all the troubles to the LORD by praying to HIM real quick.

The lyrics of LET IT BE really give me the time of despair when things do not work. And it becomes something that is very memorable in time.

Fame Quotation

2010-02-12T15:42:00.004+09:00

Do you know a "Fame Quotation"? It was said to be written by Mark Twain. He said,
"Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; the only earthly certainty is oblivion."

I think he is correct. Fame sure is a vapor, something smokey, something that lacks an entity or shape. It is nothing but gets your attention, as Mark Twain said. It grabs your attention but fame just disappears later in time and we are left behind with a little sigh, that says, "What was that?"

It is just the same as hear says and rumors. They also get to be puffed up all of sudden and puffed away all of sudden, because they are not that important to our life. Amongst their kinds [that is: fame, hearsay and rumors] fame is not that dirty, so I guess the smokey vapor is not going to make you sick.

Popularity is also correctly assessed as an accident, because you never seek to get on top of the ladder all of sudden, do you? Some people do get to be popular a little than others, perhaps because they are handsome or pretty. They grab our attention for a while. But that is by an accident, Twain says. Beauty and efficiency of something that we humans possess do pass by and become less and less important as the time goes by. Handsome guys do age and become dowelled upon the past about how much attention they get when they were young. Older women get obsessed with beauty products and they start talking about how to make themselves look younger and beautiful. Those who were affluent with knowledge and talents since birth would lose their memory in time, as they get older. Things do fade in time. Even if you planned to be on top, it will never be easy, and someone else will surely go beyond you achieve.

Twain says at the end that the only earthly certainty is oblivion. Nothing is Crystal clear. We are humans who create, produce, determine laws, rules, regulations. And yet we are still those who make errors, behave sinful natures, create unwanted desires that are gone beyond, and never regret to have such demands in our hearts. GOD sees everything clearly, for HE is the only Being that can see through people, things, material things. And we are supported by HIS Balance. He lets us make mistakes, realize errors and experience bad things and yet HE loves us enough to give us hints to be better, plans that will come back three times better in our lifetime.

GOD Created us in one breath into the dust. He cries with us and chuckles with us whenever we report our news [called prayers] to HIM. GOD may also think of the fame as a vapor that is useless. To HIM the human world's fame and glory mean nothing. Popularity is no more in Heaven. Everyone is peacefully equal and there is no order or rules as to what we are supposed to do in order for us to get popularity. Just as Twain says, in human world, popularity is a mere accident. Anything else comes next or third or the very last to our attention when it comes to comparison of Heaven and human world. Anything earthly comes last to what we experience in Heaven.

And I don't know if Twain was a Christian or not, but what he was quoted here was quite correct.

To Touch Your Heart: Don't Stop Believin' by Journey

2010-02-06T14:09:00.004+09:00

Long time ago, I was a high school girl ready to burst out to the real world. Yep, a small town girl. :) My parents didn't have enough money to afford for the college then, so I went to the secretarial school and brushed up skills in language. At around then, I heard this song. It gave me a great impression... sorta uplifting, upbeat image in my heart, although at that time I didn't have enough skills in language and had to look up in dictionary to find out what the song was meant to be. Hey, it was upbeat, wasn't it.

I have been a child of Hard Rock and never shifted the music taste ever since I was 6 or 7 years old. There are some less reasonable people who say the music came from Saturn or something, which was bunch of something if you ask me. I believe in what the LORD has given me and HE has been enjoying being my LORD ever since HE created me. ;) Life is not so easy. Status does not change LORD's love to us. Our lifestyle sure changes when we accept the LORD but HE doesn't care if I give up music or not when it comes to the faith per se. HE looks elsewhere to see if I am a good believer to HIS WORD or not. I don't give up the beautiful music just because people around don't approve. GOD still loves me and I feel HIS LOVE everyday.

It took twenty some years ever since I heard that song. I have gone through many obstacles and tribulations to have me realize things were happening because they were meant to be. After all the paths that I had walked by, I finally found out that much. GOD is there and has been and was there with me to stay with me and live through with me for whatever I was allocated or assigned to take and go through, and HE saw me grow through the pains. HE has been quite nice lately, since I guess HE gave me plenty of hardships around when I came back home.

Now I am settled in this land of rising sun, I am more professional than ever to work efficiently and I found a man I get to adore and pray for, and life has began to show me other angles of hardships like falling ill, having many terrible news about my own health...

Whenever I hear a bad news, I try to listen to the uplifting rock songs. This is one of the best and timeless ones. It says it doesn't matter who you are whether or not you are country girl or small town girl or just a bar singer, you have to start believing in good things, people [and I would like to add that you gotta have faith in GOD].

I dedicate this song to my good friend whom I care so much and knows that I have been going through some difficult time with my health.

DON'T STOP BELIEVIN'

Just a small town girl
Livin' in a lonely world
She took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere
Just a city boy
Born and raised in South Detroit
He took the midnight train
Goin' anywhere

A singer in a smokey room
A smell of wine and cheap perfume
For a smile they can share the night
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night

Workin' hard to get my fill
Everybody wants a thrill
Payin' anything to roll the dice
Just one more time
Some will win
Some will lose
Some were born to sing the blues
Oh, the movie never ends
It goes on and on and on and on

Strangers waiting
Up and down the boulevard
Their shadows searching
In the night
Streetlights, people
Livin' just to find emotion
Hidin', somewhere in the night

[Instrumental Interlude]

Don't stop believin'
Hold on to the feelin'
Streetlights, people
Don't stop believin'
Hold on
Don't stop believin'...

(Re-recorded Version in 2008)
(P) 2008 Kingrecord Co., Ltd. 2010 (C)

SURRENDER! Y&T's Best

2010-01-22T15:09:00.010+09:00

It was in the 90s when I found this album called TEN at the HOLLYWOOD Record Store at a small college town in Nashville where my girlfriend was studying at. She was a Vanderbilt graduate student, and we were pretty good with one another and so we visited one another to go to here and there.

At the old record store, I didn't buy a CD, but at that time the music was played in tape player in our old cars. My auto didn't have a CD player at that time. However, I did love blasting music while driving all the same. ;) I was nicknamed a MESS [ha, ha, ha] amongst the girls because I was a mess indeed.

This Vanderbilt girlfriend was not my music buddy but she was a friend at a professional interpreters school in Tokyo. We promised to one another to visit once in a while. She later married to a pre-Ph.D. Divinity student, who was also quite a fan of hard rock. He was 12 years younger than my girlfriend, so I was a little surprised when he had proposed to her at his family home in front of his parents who were deeply religious in Catholic church. Funny thing was, although I was into the hard rock music, he was into Goth-Hard Metal. Of course, he made sure to shut his mouth about his fave numbers from the ears of his religious parents, but I was a little bewildered when I heard that his major was Divinity.

The guy was a crazy guy as a matter of fact, and often he took us to the rock conert one day and then he took us to the classic music concert. All the while the music was going on, his hand was placed on my girlfriend's small on her back. ;) He learned so many good things about Divinity Courses but couldn't give up the music, which was understandable. He later came by to Tokyo with her to live together. Last I remember, he was having a full-time job at a high school or something to teach English.

I met some American girlfriends who would take me along to hang a lot around in town on weekends. One time we went to a dance club in back town of Durham NC to visit a gay club. I took a real gay guy so that we could see a real gay guy enjoy himself and teach us how to select a real straight guy by the appearances. We saw so many tall ladies who had a variety of bone structures of men's, not to mention their huge Adam's Apples, and those outfits of pants and ties were from their previous lives and now the transgenders really looked great with girl outfits. One of the dancers who danced for a show was playing rock music and one of the numbers was this SURRENDER.

This TEN album was such a hit in my mind that I later bought a CD album when I had finally returned home in Japan after twelve years in the States. Later on I found out there is their homepage available for anyone to visit their site without memberships, so I copied down the lyrics of my best fave, SURRENDER.

This song is a typical love song written by a rocker/biker guy to his rocker/biker chick. Biker chicks wore tight jeans and chains just as their boyfriends did, but one thing was sure that they were head-strong. If the time allowed the chicks cussed out a lot but during the noon time they worked various jobs, so they knew manners. Most biker chicks knew how to live on their own. In this song he the vocalist loved the girl but the girl wants some control so he is urging her to "surrender". Yep, American girls love controls. ;) Beautifully sang and played by Meneketti. Y&T is a 2LG 1BG band; i.e., two lead-guitars and one bass guitar. It was rare to see 2 LG/1BG band in 90s. This number is easy to ride onto, and the chorus of Surrender repetition really keeps on engraving the letters in my brain. ;)

In late 90s I lived a relatively simple life in the States while I was living in Raleigh alone with my pets and some changing faces of roommates, until I hit the road for salvation at church. My music never changed and driving was a fun thing to do if I could play on some WHITESNAKE or Y&T or whatever. I just rode on the music and enjoyed the time. I didn't have a regular boyfriend until later on in 94 or so. I got together with girlfriends in town on weekends for drinks and fun. We hit the road to go for concerts and band activities and enjoyed the time together.

I recall I had the fun and I recall I had a bad day.

...Well. I really had a bad day at work yesterday. I sure don't even know what would happen when I return to work the coming week, because I was quite upset for some reason, but I gotta "brave" myself to do so, for it is my job. I just decided it was time to stop by the memory music lanes.

***Surrender***

(Meniketti/DeGrasso/Kennemore)

I've got to talk about it
I've got to let you know
Tonight's the night to let my feelings show
Can't stop thinkin' 'bout it
Oh, I've been up all night
Just wonderin' if you'll take it wrong or right
Oh, I can't hold back
I didn't know that
I - could feel this way for you

Well, I
Surrender - all my love
Surrender
Baby, I
Surrender - all my love to you

Such a strong desire
Has taken over me
Night and day, you're all I live and breathe
So, baby, think about it
You've got to let me know
Tonight's the night to let your feelings show

Oh, please don't hold back
I've got to know that
You - could feel the same for me

Will you
Surrender all your love
Surrender
Baby, please
Surrender - all your love to me
'Cause I
Surrender - all my love
Surrender
Baby, I
Surrender - all my love to you...all my love

Guitar Solo: Dave Meniketti

1990 (C) Geffen Again Music/Meanstreak Music adm. BMI

Playing Games & Facing the Music: Other Boleyn Girl

2010-01-09T21:04:00.006+09:00

During the two days off from work, I saw a video of "The Other Boleyn Girl". Official site is here.

The tale of a self-centric king who could take any girl into his bed really made the two sisters apart.

This film is authored by Phillipa Gregory and in this story Queen Anne was beheaded not only by the crime of treason but also by incest. Gregory's theory was that Anne played a love tryst on King Henry Tudor to get his interests all on herself while her sister, Mary, bore the King's baby and gave birth. Mary was first to attract the king's interests, as his wife, then Queen Catherine of Aragon stayed childless [actually she bore girls but sons]. Mary gave births to a daughter and a son, but by the time she gave birth to a son, Henry's lust and love shifted to Anne, who wisely shifted his romantic conquering interest from Mary to herself.

In Gregory's theory, Anne's schemes on getting Henry's affection by playing wise games on him was coming from other event. When Anne was still a young girl, Mary had told her relatives on Anne's elopement with her lover [without her parents' permission]. Anne was deeply smitten with a young man whom the King did not approve nor did her family, and the family was extremely embarrassed when she had actually eloped and had a honeymoon with the man. The uncle, who was the master of House of the Boleyn's, had decided to send her off to France till the time was right for her to come back to the King's court. Anne spends long time in France, and while she was there, she cooked up the plan to turn Mary's life upside down.

Anne was supposed to be in court of King Tudor, but the King favored on Mary; at that time Mary was married but the family separated her from her loving husband and let her spend nights with the King till she got pregnant. While Mary went through this hell, Anne was there to support her, but Mary returned the favor by telling on Anne's little elopement to the uncle, who was easily angered by Anne's little clever comments and remarks.

Several years later Anne is forgiven by her dad to come home. There was a reason. Mary got pregnant and could not let King Tudor have sexual relations. The uncle lord of the Boleyn house thought up the idea that Anne should come home now so that she could assist this time of difficulty for the family and the King himself.

Anne's wildness, Mary's rather "forced affairs" with King Tudor while being married to her husband were two famous events that were true and historically famous, too. Hereinafter, Gregory's theory made a strong shift: While Mary was ordered to bed rest during the pregnancy, because she had a terrible dizziness and little bleeding incidents early in her pregnancy, King Tudor got bored with sexlessness. Uncle Boleyn determined it was time for Anne to be called back home, and she succeeded to attract the king's romantic interests on her by playing clever cat-and-mouse, sensual games by provoking the king's lustful moves on herself.

Gregory further states that the Boleyn girl was the reason of the king's change of religion. The Tudor King is famous as a reason why there is an Anglican Church in the UK. He chose to even change his country's religion from Roman Catholicism [which prohibited divorce] to the Anglican Church [that conveniently agreed with his divorce from Catherine of Aragon]. While King Tudor took upon his right to change the country's beliefs in GOD, Anne made a lot of bad decisions. Author Gregory further states that after all he had done, Anne was still resisting to his sexual advances, which had caused him to violently rape Anne. Anne, who had still deaths of her babies and birth of a daughter, the future Queen, Elizabeth I, cooks up a plan to have an incestuous relation to her brother George, so he could impregnate her one more time. Believing that King Tudor himself was not able to impregnate male children, she comes to her brother, George, to get pregnant and bear a son.

Phillipa Gregory's tale of the Boleyn's not just stunned but also really offended historians in the UK, the Royals and the public of the UK with her theories. She stated that she had a confidence with all the historical back-up and authentications, but literary world did not approve her.

In this film the incest was not totally depicted perhaps at the advisement of other historians. In the movie, Anne offers her body to her brother George but they decide not to go ahead with sleeping together in one bed. However, the King Tudor anyhow became aware and sent her to death.

In the film the sisters were played by Scarlet Johansen [who played Mary] and Natalie Portman [who played Anne]. Portman did a great job playing a strong-willed, wicked Queen Anne. Johansen did a great job playing a serious believer of love with strong faith but had to break up her decent marriage and become a lover for a king and later remarry a man who was assisting her by marrying down because of her wicked family's will to receive good attentions from the king. King Tudor was played by Eric Bana. He did a good job, too. On TV there was a drama called Tudors, and the younger actor played Henry, but I think Bana's age and appearance did look like a real king.

And here is what I thought. I am very happy and blessed to live in the present, because I do not wish to break up a decent, good marriage to a loving husband just because my family would like some favor from the king. I am lucky to have a will and GOD protects me in such a way that I do not have to sleep with someone else that I do not wish to sleep with. Thank YOU, Jesus!!!! ;p

Tidbits... Daily Updates 2010

2010-01-03T16:27:00.004+09:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR... SUNRISE is considered the symbol of a new year in Japan. This photo I received online depicts beautiful sunrise on New Year's Day.

***SLEEPING THROUGH HOLIDAYS***

In Japan there is a saying. We all work like working ants everyday, so we take a complete halt of business and take a good rest when the time is right. So January is such a month to take a good rest at least in the beginning. We take longer holidays on business. People overseas take personal holidays individually to virtually make the office totally vacant. But in Japan we take holidays on business from December 28th through January 4. During such break, we relax and when we do relax and stay up late and fool around during the holidays we call such time during our break "ne-shogatsu" [meaning "sleeping for free during New Year's holidays].

Had a great sleep during the holidays. Literally. Slept a lot. And I stayed up late a lot to see good movies, too. ;)

***REVIEWED ON MOVIES AT IMDB.COM***

During the break of the vacation I try to watch a lot of good movies. I have extra special movie channels in my cable service, so I watched a lot of movies which are both Japanese and international. Amongst those films, I watched a poignant movie called KICHIKU (Translated having a Demon in Heart). I commented and reviewed the movie. If you are interested, you may read the review here. This movie is well-made film and we have 3 other reviews which also praised the film all the same. This is a great, star-studded movie produced in 1978. Both director and the star of the movie are dead already, but their work has been well-reviewed through years. The tale of a poor printer who is hit economically when his mistress deserts three of his kids at his threshold where he shares with his own childless wife. KICHIKU means having a demon in one's heart. The man is hit with both financial problem and emotional struggle with both his own wife who is angry at his affairs with his mistress and his own kids whom mistress leaves behind under his care. He is emotionally drained and gets to be harboring a bad demon in his heart: "Get rid of the kids". Oldest kid is 6 years old and keeps his mouth shut even when the police detectives offer to arrest the father. The man regrets his holding an intent to murder his own son. Even though the story is rather disturbing, the film is well made and is praised as a great movie in Japan. After reading other people's reviews, I corrected the poignant point of this film.

***WORK FROM TOMORROW...***

Gush, it's already the evening of the 3rd of January! From tomorrow I gotta work. First thing in the morning at 05:20am, I gotta wake up... My shift is timetabled in such a way that the Sundays are working days but Fridays & Saturdays are my days off. This first week of January, I need to work till Thursday. Then I start fresh on coming Sunday through Wednesday, one day off on Thursday and then I work on Friday and then off on Saturday, after which I work five consecutive days. Whew. I gotta do well this month so that I can catch up the pays. ;s

***YEAR OF TIGER***

Well, according to the Chinese astrology, it is said to be a year of Tiger. I happened to have been born in a year of Tiger, according to my mom. So it is supposed to be a good year for me, as I understand from what she has told me. I hope things work out fine and will be a good year for me. ;)

I am still recovering from hospitalization, although I am eating normally and doing well nowadays. I am hoping karaoke sessions will take place soon, but it may take time. My girlfriend and I are planning something next month...

Well, with GOD's Best Intentions, I am hoping this year will be a memorable, great year. ;)

New Year: Renewal

2010-01-01T00:16:00.011+09:00

Lamentations 3:22-24 (New International Version) says:

"... Because of the LORD's Great Love we are not consumed,
For His Compassions never fail.
THEY ARE NEW EVERY MORNING;
Great is Thy Faithfulness.
I say to myself,
'The LORD is my Portion;
Therefore I will wait for Him...'"

Early in the mornings when I get up to go to work, the temperature is freezing. I feel cold and don't feel like getting up from my bed, but I get up anyways. I don't want to get late for work. But I also realize I love the hour. It is not quite a morning yet at that hour: 5:20am. It is still dark outside. I need to turn on the light to get something warmer to wear. I touch the window sills and feel wet at my fingertip with the morning dew. My mischievous cat becomes quiet by the time I get up and come out of my bedroom to wash my tooth in the bathroom. He is awake all night and gets sleepy at around this hour. He usually sits on one of my kitchen chairs, keeps company to my Mom, who gets up at around this time and starts sleeping. My Mom wears something warm and starts her chores by boiling the water at first. The noise of the water boiling and the steam coming from the kettle make me feel the "beginning" of a new day.

This is a very ordinary scene for me every morning. However, we all take ordinary things for granted, do we not? I cannot enjoy looking at and feeling the wet window sills, hearing my cat lightly snore at the usual seat where he sits on, seeing my Mom smile at me in the kitchen after I say "good morning", or seeing the kettle get hot and boil if anything is amiss.

Lately I have been facing a lot of medical issues at home. It is not just my old parents who are having medical issues. I get sick more easily than I used to. Ages have something to do with ailments, I am sure, but the fact that I'd overworked myself meant something else: I took my good health for granted. I thought I could do all. I didn't consider myself a super human but I obviously tried to handle too much at once and didn't try to hear my body scream for help and rest.

I do not want to take my parents for granted. I want to be a dependable daughter for the aging parents of mine. I am an only daughter and don't have anyone else when my parents pass, so I do not want them to pass so soon. My Mom lately had a lot of medical issues and I have been taking her to my own doctor so that he could take a good care of her high blood pressures, diabetes and other issues like her painful knees. I feel powerless when I run out of money to pay for this and that medication for family. But everyday the LORD has been good to me to keep up with her medical issues and my own issues here and there, even when I thought I was not doing well both financially and physically while I was hospitalized.

LORD has been good to me. And I am sure HE will stay good to me even further. Love of my GOD blesses me immensely. And I do not know the limit of HIS Love for someone as sinful and less of a woman like myself. HIS LOVE gives me confidence to my own and lets me get up everyday.

That is the renewal that I feel every morning. And I shouldn't take that gratefulness for granted. Happy New Year.

Counting My Blessings...: Christmas in Hospital

2009-12-31T14:56:00.007+09:00

I was brought into an ER near my home at 5:00am on Sunday, 20th of December. I had terrible coughing spells due to bronchial asthma in addition to the viral diarrhea and vomiting. Obviously the viruses decided not to stay around my bronchi but went straight down to the digestive areas to poison and made me sick like a dog.

Something I ate during lunch at a cafe really triggered this. I guess the viruses did not cause everyone to get worse like this: I was weak enough and unable to get rid of the viruses. I began throwing up in the evening, continued on and on for a numerous times until I had hurled bile, which was colored black. All the while the diarrhea also simultaneously went on. The speed of losing fluid from my body went double because I was both vomiting and having diarrhea simultaneously. Before the dawn I was unable to stay still. I began shaking. I also had a bronchial asthma getting worse, so I was coughing terribly while I was not throwing up or having diarrhea.

It is painful to go overboard about anything. I felt like someone else held the control of my body and my body was twisting but the water did not come out like a dry towel that got twisted in vain. I was sicker than any other humans on earth at the time. My Mom saw me get worse over the night and she called for emergency rescue. By the time they carried me into the ER, I was out cold, literally.

ER nearby was of a Christian hospital. Although the doctrine that they hold was Christian, the doctors and their teammates were not totally Christian. However, they were quite able and took me in. The doctor at first thought I was having some kind of new type of flu virus or something, and the way he looked at me was not of a caring man but that of a man who was confused and irritated over the symptoms which had a lot of common points to Swine Flu.

I guess he was definitely afraid that I was having a Swine Flu or something, come to think of it. He said he recently had his own medical teammate turn terribly ill because of the flu patient he had at the ER. Then he said he didn't want me to put him into a bad flu or spread the hospital my viruses. So he put me into the expensive private room on top floor of the hospital building, where I was tested this and that. This Christian hospital had been built for 38 years and the building is quite old. I felt to myself, "Oh, my GOD. I am in a Kingdom Hospital." I was thinking of the Kingdom Hospital, an American TV occult drama where a hospital built in a ground where there was fire got cursed and many spirits made patients and doctors scared. This hospital where I was brought into was also very old-fashioned and half-broken here and there, but the hospital was not in fact Kingdom Hospital like that drama.

My silly, scary thought was over by Monday. Medical team here was quite excellent at whatever they did, and by Monday afternoon, I was moved at the doctor's okay signature on my chart with "NO FLU" stamp on it. I had no fever, but I kept on having terrible coughs with diarrhea. IVs and med ceased my vomiting immediately but the diarrhea took another two days to completely stop. I was moved into the group population [it is as though I was in a nice prison there -- from 6:30am the daily hours were controlled by the minute and doctors and nurses did a great job taking care and control of the sick people], and I was at the same room with a nice lady and a very old lady, none of whom was a Christian but both appreciated the care provided by the hospital staff.

Having commiserating buddies nearby really made a difference to my psyche. I was able to get myself out of the miserable spell of this viral food poisoning. I kept on having 4 IVs a day to catch up the fluid that I had lost, but by the Christmas Eve night, I was able to get up without getting dizzy or having diarrhea. This Christian hospital's canteen staff had prepared the Christmas Eve Dinner for the in-house patients. I was allowed finally by the doctor to eat "food". Kitchen staff got to know me personally and congratulated me for being able to eat food. They thought it was special as a blessing that I was allowed to eat Christmas dinner as my first food. They cooked and visited each in-house patient to deliver the Christmas dinner with Christmas Card, saying, "Get Well Soon & Have a Great Christmas with A Blessing From the LORD Jesus." I counted my blessings and thankfully ate up the dinner plate. Dinner tasted so special. ;)

I really got to realize that we all take good health for granted and being able to walk on streets freely as a normal, given right for anyone. Being able to walk around without an IV line stuck into my vein got to be very important for me when I saw my own saggy face in the mirror at the bathroom of this hospital. I realized since I had moved to my new condo I was working ceaselessly. Gush, I said to myself. I didn't know it was already the end of the year! Didn't see myself dashing like this... Why was I this much in a hurry? Why am I taking my good health granted like that???

After that dinner, my body got really, really better. This one long week at the hospital sure made me count a real blessing there. It was hellish that I had to go through what I had gone through that previous week. After I got to feel much better, the healing speed was so fast for me to get back on my feet to be released from the hospital. By the afternoon of the 7th day, I was able to go home with a very nice nurse smiling at me, saying, "Get outta here, kiddo. Listen to your body, and be good to yourself. Okay?" For the day I was resting in my bed even when I was home, but I was able to get up and go for walk with my Mom the weekend. I am still in med and am coughing time to time but no longer sick like that. I felt like it was a blessing from GOD that I had healed so fast.

I sure got to know that GOD controlled my life. I did not feel like I was in control of my body or health at the time I was in that hospital. GOD made me stay in bed because my body was screaming for rest but I didn't try to listen and HE made me listen by making me feel sick. I sure realize it is important for myself to listen to my own health. If and when I get tired, I am no longer afraid to take a step back and rest a day. I talk about this to a friend, then he or she will say, "Oh, no, Kyoko, are you alright now? Sorry you had to go through this..." But I feel like GOD gave me a time to rest enough so that I can take a better care of myself.

Okay, No More Adventures in Italy: Amanda Knox Guilty

2009-12-05T11:27:00.008+09:00

So, I see an American college student Amanda Knox who was studying abroad in Italy was found guilty of crime, which we understand as the first degree murder in the States [photo: CNNJ, Breaking News 2009/12/05 JPS Time].

I used to have this thought about going to Italy when I'd have a chance --like honeymoon with my future husband or just a little trip for myself to take a daily load off my shoulder to leave stress in Japan--, and now I know this much. I will never go to that country.

You never know where you will get into trouble with someone or something. GOD knows the longer you stay in any country as a naive foreigner the more possibilities you get when you fall into a trap of legal system in the particular country. I didn't luckily fall into a trap of legal system probably because the legal system is extremely fair in the States. I knew no one in the local or federal government, and no one helped me and I often felt helpless, yet I could help myself because I had a human resources and the knowledge that laws there were pretty fair: Attorneys act professionally toward anything that I would ask them to as their clients, judicial systems do not move in between powers, and judges do not care whom I would know in the government. The best part of the US laws: Judges and juries judge people based upon evidence presented by the attorneys of both sides.

CNN Panelist and Vanity Fair Contributor, Judy Bachrach, has commented during her appearance in Larry King Live, in Italy, if you know anyone at the government, you are not going to be questioned for a crime you commit; however, if you know no good people to call for help, then you are very unfairly facing the trial proceedings in Italy. Media will pick on you all the way and whatever you do, they describe you as a pure evil, and juries are not sequestered so that they care less about the rules of engagement in laws and talk to anyone who will listen to them. As soon as a very upfront foreign student is being involved into a murder of her neighbor, she'll be said to be a perpetrator of the crime. Said Bachrach: "Therefore, if there are teens asking for my advice as to whether or not they would go to Italy for studying abroad, then I would strongly advised NOT to go there or if they persist, they should be extremely careful about what they are doing there." That can be said anywhere in the world, actually.

One crime Amanda committed probably was "carelessness". As a former foreign student in the US, I know how curious surrounding people can be toward us the foreigners. How much money I had spent, what I would have eaten or bought or worn, or what I would say as a personal opinion, would be focused by Americans in classroom as well as Americans in towns area. To me, I was curious how daring American students were. Americans are flamboyant, displaying joy of freedom and care-free life. Just as any American students in college would, Knox did flauntingly display her youth and "American style of college life" instead of that of a foreign student with struggles in language by going back and forth in between the library. Townspeople in Perugia Italy were obviously watching her. The Italian media was fed enough to write about how fast she had found a boyfriend at the nearby Tech. School [as soon as she comes into the college town, they said], and how she came to decide to work in the evening in a pub as a server [although she didn't have any resource problems with a rich dad who would pay for her drink money if and when she would ask, they said]. But they didn't realize that she also studied hard, managing the time well to arrange the priorities just as any other American students would do.

I suppose she was carelessly naive to some extent for the curious way people looked at her. Anywhere you go, you have eyes and ears around you, my Mom used to tell me before I would go abroad to study in the US. Just as my Mom was right, townspeople would be curious as to how American students would do whatever the school requires her to do and whatever the life in Italy requires her to do. No matter how normal it was for her to live her life the way she would in the US, it was not proper as a lifestyle for her to have in the little town of Perugia Italy. This turned out to be a big mistake at the end, as she was found guilty of this murder. Italian students didn't get to like a cocky, upfront and flamboyant American honor student who not just played full time but also had a higher grade with fluent language use, so they spoke to media the way they looked at her, which was very biased and extremely one-sided. Media took in all and reported them to the whole world to her dad's disdain.

I hear her dad is no longer rich; whilst his daughter was imprisoned for 2 and half years he spent all his savings to hire a good attorney, staying in hotels and supporting her. But he has funds set up locally in Seattle WA by people who knew her and her family, so he can still come by and support her at the Italian court.

All I know now is that I will NEVER EVER go to Italy where the laws permit interventions from local media by hearsay and dirty rumors, juries talk freely with local reporters without even getting sequestered.

Give me a break. She is not just found guilty nor was she properly treated by the police, prosecution, juries or townspeople. It is sad to see a foreign person, a lone wolf to some extent in this unknown land, go through a terrible injustice.

A MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN: HARD ROCK VERSION OF PRAISING THE KING

2009-12-01T22:43:00.005+09:00

I recently went to rock'n roll karaoke again with a good girlfriend who is also an amateur singer.

We sang a variety of rock songs there. Amongst nearly 100 songs I sang, I love A MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN by the RAINBOW best. We sang the total of 200 numbers within 7 hours and 45 min. Enjoyed every minute of it!

It is written from a vision of this man who lives on a silver mountain. I don't even try to act like I know what this man is trying to say but he is singing from the vision of the LORD.

No, I am not joking. He is really a very Powerful Being and is Absolution. Maybe he is a very strange man to some, but to me, this man reminds me of GOD's personality with Omnipotent Abilities. It is almost like a rock version of the LORD GOD!

He feels like a wheel and he feels like the Sun. Hey, even if the writer of this song was writing how pompous Ritchie Blackmore was, I care LESS. It sounds just like GOD and if GOD was the man in the very lyrics, I bet HE is not going to be said to be pompous, as HE HIMSELF has a Power of Grace!!!!

A MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN

I'M A WHEEL, I'M A WHEEL
I CAN ROLL, I CAN FEEL.
AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME TURNING.
'COZ I'M THE SUN, I'M THE SUN
I CAN MOVE, I CAN RUN
BUT YOU'LL NEVER STOP ME BURNING.

***CHORUS***
COME DOWN WITH FIRE
LIFT MY SPIRIT HIGHER
SOMEONE'S SCREAMING MY NAME
COME AND MAKE ME HOLY AGAIN.
I'M THE MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN
I'M THE MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN.

I'M THE DAY, I'M THE DAY
I CAN SHOW YOU THE WAY
AND LOOK I'M RIGHT BESIDE YOU
I'M THE NIGHT, I'M THE NIGHT
I'M THE DARK AND THE LIGHT
WITH EYES THAT SEE INSIDE YOU.

***CHORUS X 2***

***BRIDGES***
JUST LOOK AT ME AND LISTEN
I'M THE MAN, THE MAN, GIVE YOU MY HAND
COME DOWN WITH FIRE, LIFT MY SPIRIT HIGHER
I'M THE MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN
I'M THE MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN
I'M THE NIGHT, THE LIGHT
THE BLACK AND THE WHITE
THE MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN...

(BLACKMORE/DIO FOR RAINBOW [C])

Here is the list of songs that I sang:

SMOKE ON THE WATER BY DEEP PURPLE
STORMBRINGER BY DEEP PURPLE FEATURING DAVID COVERDALE
MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN (1) BY RAINBOW FEATURING DIO
I LOVE ROCK'N ROLL BY JOAN JETT & BLACK HEARTS
LAYLA (UNPLUGGED) BY ERIC CLAPTON
JENNIE'S GOT A GUN BY AEROSMITH
WAKING UP IN VEGAS BY KATY PERRY
NEW DEVIDE BY LINKIN PARK
TEO TORIATTE (LET US CLING TOGETHER) BY QUEEN
KEEP ON LOVIN' YOU BABY BY KISS
HAVE A NICE DAY BY BON JOVI
LIVING ON A PRAYER BY BON JOVI
SMOKE ON THE WATER BY DEEP PURPLE (LIVE VERSION FROM 1970)
I SURRENDER (1) BY RAINBOW FEATURING JOE LYNN TURNER
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (1) BY GUNS N' ROSES
JUMP BY VAN HALEN
HOTEL CALIFORNIA (ORIGINAL VERSION WITH GUITAR PLAY AT THE OUTTAKE) BY EAGLES
UNDER PRESSURE BY QUEEN FEATURING DAVID BOWIE
THE DEEPER THE LOVE BY WHITESNAKE
25 OR 6 TO 4 BY CHICAGO
SMOOTH OPERATOR BY SADE
LET'S DANCE BY DAVID BOWIE
WHY CAN'T THIS BE LOVE BY VAN HALEN FEATURING SAMMIE HAGER
STAIRWAYS TO HEAVEN BY LED ZEPPELIN
KASHIMIR BY LED ZEPPELIN
AMERICAN WOMAN BY LENNY KRAVITZ
MAN ON THE SILVER MOUNTAIN (2) BY RAINBOW =ENCORE=
OBLADIE OBLADA BY BEATLES
COCOMO BY BEACH BOYS
KISS OF DEATH BY DOKKEN
IMMIGRANTS SONG BY LED ZEPPELIN
SWEET DREAMS BY EURYTHMICS
SAVE THE BEST FOR US BY VANESSA WILLIAMS
SAVE ME BY QUEENS
HOW MUST GO ON BY QUEEN
HERE I GO AGAIN BY WHITESNAKE
FIRE BURNING ON THE FLOOR BY SEAN KINGSTON (PARTIAL)
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS BY QUEEN
BREAKFAST IN AMERICA BY SUPER TRAMP

SPENT 7 HOURS 45 MIN. IN THE SESSION... MY VOCALIST PARTNER ALSO SPENT TIME SINGING... ;D ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!!!!!!

Result of MRI: Cervical Spondylotic Myelopathy (CSM) & Various Topics...

2009-11-14T00:01:00.003+09:00

As I wrote before, I had been doomed with this endless pain over my arm, which I thought was a simple, stress-related NASS, Neck, Arm & Shoulder Syndrome. My physician wondered why it continued on and on, as he prescribed a pretty strong med. He ordered an MRI. Then its result had turned out that I did not just have a Neck, Arm & Shoulder Syndrome alone but CSM, Cervical Spondylotic Myelopathy.

It is also a pain disorder that occurs around the total areas of arms, wrists and elbows, but esp. around the upper arms get to hurt. CSM causes directly from vertebrae disfigurement. Vertebrae disfigurement causes the areas that surround nerves to be narrower, which affects the nerve center to send pain information to brain. The neck area's vertebrae are so aligned that the lower few vertebrae send information to arms. I knew that my neck had a serious problem, but I did not quite realize that the problem was that extensive. My doctor said that none of my vertebrae is aligned correct nor is being "formed" right. I no longer have a flexibility in bone alignment as a young girl would, so I can not hope for the formation of bones to be improved, but I can fix the pains through med and rehabilitation. Adequate medications from MRI test results have put me back to the normal life, and my physician gave me a correct medical advice as to how I can protect myself from needless pains.

CSM does get better if the immediate site of pain is warmed up. If the immediate site is freezing, the pain gets worse. As a result, I put on hot patches and paste on the right arm to avoid further pains when weather turns to cool down. During this season I need to get more hand warmers, hot pads and pastes around the arm to warm it up, so it would not start hurting.

CSM's rehabilitation exercises are quite easy, although they can be tough when the pains flare up: Walk longer, keep the correct posture, swim in a lukewarm pool, take hot baths, and so forth. Each of instructions given by the doctor sounds simple enough but for a patient of flared-up CSM pains, each sounds quite difficult. Walking with relaxed arms and free hands can be painful if the pain is serious. Correct posture for the patient means straining and strenuous exercises, because most patients' postures are already quite bad. Swimming can be a big deal if the arms are immediate sites of pains. Taking hot baths alone sounds right but can be difficult for those who tend to get tired in hot water too soon. Something strenuous can be something tough for a patient of CSM.

Right now I am feeling much, much better. Sure there are pains, here and there in the right upper to lower arm. But the level of pains is no longer that high like when I had a serious pain. I am thanking my doctor who found out CSM was affecting on me through MRI because I would be still in unknown pains now if he didn't order MRI tests.

I can go back to karaoke with my girlfriends to have fun now. When pains were severe, I wouldn't have been able to sing or go out with friends, because I was resting all the time with stronger pain med which didn't get me feel better at all. Now my physician knows what to do, I am thankful that I can appreciate life and fun with friends as long as I take med and follow medical advice from my doctor.

Thank GOD for MRI. Oh, man, I thought I would be dying because of this pain. Now I feel a little better and it is such a difference. Thank GOD! ;)

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I recently went to a concert of my music buddy who has a GUNZ & ROSES tribute band, and I came home nearly deafened but had quite a fun with many buddies there. My music buddy sang as a vocal, so he is a Japanese AXEL ROSE minus violence, and he acted quite gentlemanly toward me. He invited me to his concert, so tickets were free of charge and the bouncers snack me into the club where he had a concert. He even dropped by to the audience areas to say hi to me and other guests. His best buddy came pick me up at the nearest train station to take me to a concert, and he even paid for my snacks that I wished to peck on before the AXEL came on stage. Had a good time there. It was an early Sunday evening and the concert was still in the middle of the menus when I had to leave for home because I had to wake up early the next morning, but the buddies were generous and they had a good manner about invited guests.

My music buddies have karaoke party with me very often, so I am looking forward to the new party plans, as my arm feels less pains. ;) I gotta practice singing!

Tidbits... Daily Updates

2009-10-03T07:02:00.005+09:00

Well, I haven't updated much here, so I decided to write some what has been up to me lately. Not really summarized as a good essay, people, just a note. Sorry ;p

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Karaoke night went fine, but one of the dudes whom I met really did not sing well nor did he know how to perform "duet" with others, so I am proactively changing that by teaching him how to do better. Hoping to offer another chance with the dude and his buddy [this one has his own band, so he is very at ease with me].

My next goal for the next karaoke night will be to sing Heaven Sent by Dokken, The Gypsie by Deep Purple, and Almost Human by KISS.

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It has been a couple of years since I began blogging here. I put up a webmaster email address here, so when readers notice something, I get to receive a few but precious few emails concerning my blog sites. I received a very interesting email earlier this morning, so I am writing about it.

It was from my old friend at college. In Campbell University (I came in 1988 and left in 1992), North Carolina, where I learned my English and American lifestyle, I had a few good friends back then. Well, one of them had spared her time to drop me a good email to say hi.

Come to think of it, my college days were very marred by the cultural whatever, and I did not really had a great time there. I wish I had settled my life better right around there when I had left the college township for a new job in Raleigh but my life was quite a whirlwind then. But I came to love NC and people whom I had met there and she was one of them. It so happens that she also blogs, so I may come visit her site sometimes... ;)

Bekki and I had a common interest in hard rock music. We love the similar bands and we often spent time watching dorm's cable MTV channel, singing along with those videos with WHITESNAKE and Dokken [man, I miss those old days]. Actually my next karaoke numbers I am thinking of will be Heaven Sent by Dokken, LOL, so I hope this online encounter works positively on my amateur vocalist career. Ha, ha, ha.

I saw my old friend's online name card and she is now a problem-solving trainer of some sort. That is my old Bekki for you. She is positive, proactive and very forthcoming.

In my college days I often got really pessimistic. I was quite an opposite to what I am now. I guess ever since I was baptised I got my character really positively effective but I really was lost then. I did not know what to believe, what to do. My friends were the strong lifelines there. That is America for you. Strength sent for you through people.

Life is never easier, but I enjoy life more now than then. I wish to say thanks to Bekki who was a ray of sunshine to my life then. ;)

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Nowadays I am having this neck-arm-shoulder syndrome really got me. I am an IT help desk for mobile phone users who connect the mobile system to the PC systems online, so things do not work the users make frantic calls. I am quite at ease to help out, but I guess all the systems that I use made a worse condition to my right arm and hand. Typing, pressing, doing anything with my right really hurt me. As a result I have a tough time updating this site. Forgive me for slacking off, people.

According to my doctor, my C4 and C5 have been abnormally "thorned" at the edges and corners that I hurt on my right arm. I have no idea what he means, but it is called NASS, Neck, arm, shoulder syndrome. Man, if you know how to help prevent the terrible pains, I appreciate. Currently I am going back and forth to a pain clinic to inject me some pain blockers every so often.

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Talked with my best girlfriend in the US on the phone. Realized it had been a couple of years since we talked-talked on the phone in person, so it was amazing to hear her voice. She sounded more motherly and tender. Loving cares on her son made her voice easier and lovelier. She is a sweetheart.

Solitary Death

2009-09-05T14:11:00.020+09:00

This past week, my co-worker had died alone in his apartment.

It was a sad, rainy day when my supervisor had called us help desk/user support employees together in the corner to report that he was found dead, and his body was not found until that day since his death on past Sunday and police is looking into the surrounding fact. He was dead obviously by the noon time on Sunday, and because he had died within the privacy of his own home without the clear evidence of suicide or homicide, police had to check out. He had nobody within the property, so they did not find him dead till 4 days later.

We all work in very time-sensitive workplace, so his inordinate absence was being marked for the 4th day since he came to work last time. Our floor's shift director as well as supervisors wondered what had happened, and called in for few times to no avail, so they decided by Wednesday that it was so "unlike him" to see this man's absence that something that should have prevented to go to work.

The management sent one of the staff to the man's home, and smelled the odor of death and called in police. Company was flabbergasted that he was found dead, so we the teammates decided to send in some cash help for the family, which is a very practical Japanese tradition. In Japan, those who have long-term illnesses or sudden death in family get cash help from co-workers, friends, distant family. In this floor, we have just less than 200 people. We tossed some money into the box, and as a result, we sent in a few thousands bucks within a few days, then our supervisor will have the bulk of money tossed into funeral ritual bucket where we are supposed to post our cash help for the family. Our supervisor will represent all of us to attend the funeral. Such is also the tradition of Japanese rituals.

The man was mid-50s, very quiet and introverted, but he could make out a little smile when he meant it. He liked to see my and other co-workers' smiles. For his private information, some co-workers told me that he had a young son from relationship that he'd had, but for some reason he had never married the girl whom he had a child with, and had never married any women in his life. Some talked about him calling his son's mother his "ex" and being a bisexual or gay in closet or something. But I liked him alright.

He was nice with a novice like me, he did his work fine, and he often told me what to do when I was a little confused at work and he was really kind to all of us. My trainer was a lady who was the youngest amongst the team. She was novice until I came in. She told me he was nice to her, too. He worked for the parent company of ours for over 30 years, started over his life after "early retirement" from the parent company. Amongst approximately 20 or so of the teammates, he was the oldest and well-known. So all were shocked by his rather sad way of leaving this world.

In Japan, solitary death is becoming a national problem. Here, I am linking some information about our national problem of having more elders and how to help them with welfare services satisfactory for them. His death turned out to be one of those national problems. Obviously he had some illness or depression, and he died totally alone. I am suspecting suicide but we do not know that. Every suspicious death in the residence got police involvement, so we do not know what turns out to be, but he died alone. That he had died alone really made the issue in my mind, because he was sad and alone. I felt bad about the fact that there was nobody for him to see to care for him.

Because there are more and more people living solo in our nation, they get to die totally ALONE and the bodies are found days later. Because we have more older people than young people in our country, we have more orderlies who live ALONE. Those who are old and live alone are most likely to have illnesses, and they do not take a better care of themselves when getting old, so they die alone within the privacy of their homes and they do get to be found LATER than they should.

My co-workers, average ages of mid-30s, really got stunned with the news, and the fact that the man had no one to live with was a sad thing to go through. He was in his mid-50s, and most all 50s would live with their significant others, right? But he was not. He was independent and he told one of my co-workers that he was working for other companies also, since his income is not good enough. I think he had to pay for child support for his "wife and kid", and he had to send in some incomes for his other family members like his mom and dad back home. In order to live his own life, he had to work part-time at other places.

Everyone at work knows that I am quite proactive in character. Being upfront is one of the best qualities in this company, thanks to GOD's pretty HOLY intervention. HE led me to this workplace. All of my friends know that I do have a tendency to move forward and stay being extremely upfront. Often my work attitude at work did seem to get a negative attention from the management and got some particular silly leadership classes to burn [for some reason they think I stand out too much and they think I am being inappropriate], but this company --in spite of the fact that this company is 100% Japanese and never foreign-- seems to somehow like me in such a straightforward personality.

They as a company believes in a sense of choice. But they believe in making good choices. They --as well as I-- denounces unjust, illegal, dishonest, untruthful, illicit acts and behaviors, and just simply hates lies. My personality seems to agree with their just principles, match what the company wants most with their employees, in terms of being open, bright, honest, extrovert and righteous, and I fortunately seem to fit in.

The man who died unexpectedly did not seem to either fit in or want to fit in and I believe his indecisive character didn't seem to come together well with the straightforwardness of this team-centered company. In addition, he was a member of our parent company for decades, and that fact alone distanced himself afar from the teammates. He was doing a very much entry-level help desk/user support for the mobile phone/smart phone services, compared to what he was doing at the parent company as mature management personnel. Probably his work attitude of looking down at people made himself feel more introverted and depressed ever since he got to place himself into the entry position that he didn't really seek at first. He had a child support to pay, he had a big income to make for his other family members, and he had tons of responsibilities that he had to keep promises for. I felt awful about his death.

Last words he said to me was to stay being myself. He liked all of young teammates a lot, and he favored me amongst the team, often telling to me to "give [him] more smiles". He said I had infectious smiles, and my proactive talks about singing aloud and rock'n roll music and fun times would make him upbeat. I like chatting with everyone when I have a time. I babble about all around me and laugh with them. Last Friday, I rode into the same elevator. There he was with one of our older co-workers. Our co-worker was all smiles as well, and the man who died asked me how I would stay positive all the time. I responded,
"Your life gets better if you stay positive and upbeat."
I made a huge smile with it.
His friend, one of the co-workers, smiled again and said,
"You also need to look up to her attitude in life. You can never stay downbeat all the time, you know."
I also said,
"Yeah, that is right. All of us humans have limitations in doing anything. It's with GOD's Grace that we are able to go on! Just being thankful that you have a life!"
The man who died said,
"Hmm. You are right. We need to live our life proactively. We have to make a positive turn, huh."

He was smiling the last time I saw and waved good-bye at him. It turns out that he turned wrong. It was a shocking outcome. I shall pray for the man's peace tonight. Rest In Peace...

It's My Friend's Birthday...

2009-08-23T20:22:00.003+09:00

I was just thinking back of how my life has been since I came home from the beautiful coast side of the Carolinas. I enjoyed my life there but now that it has been a decade since I came home, I realize that my English needs a little brush-ups and I feel as though I were almost forgetting my life in the States...

Then it is August already. Yes. This month there are many birthdays both in Japan and in the United States. My girlfriend in Japan had her 30th earlier on the 9th. Being 30 years old made her feel a lot older, she said, but she was having lots of people congratulating her birthday. Then in the middle of the month another friend had a birthday, and then 23th. It is August 23, and that is my best American girlfriend's birthday.

W. Lynn and I got to talk a lot after she one day stopped her car to say hello to me while I was walking down the little street there in Raleigh. We still remember this often and we talk about it in our emails but it is GOD's Best Blessing for me so that HE had me meet up with W. Lynn.

She is a beautiful woman and yet never shows off her beauty. The girl whom I knew as rather innocent and naive to some extent grew to be strong, firm woman. She is quite shy and introvert to some extent, but she can surprise you. For instance, when she declared she was moving to the western part of the state, I thought she was brave. Here is a girl who spent her adult life near her parents. She didn't reside with her family, but she lived nearby and worked at the same place. Then she stood up all of sudden and went, "I am moving out of state. I don't know anyone there but I am determined to go there."

She is a Christian. So I was pretty sure that she had made a request and inquiry to the LORD, making a HOLY Consultation to HIM who is the ONLY One that could make her life's directions. After such process she sure went through for a long time, I decided that it was right. So I supported her and that turned out to be a great decision. She went to the Black Mountains to work for the NPO and then she met this nice guy with whom she ended up to get married.

My girlfriend not just surprised all of us by declaring to move away from the Raleigh/Durham area but also made yet another wild move to get married with the guy who came from Tennessee. She moved away from the state and now she resides in Tennessee.

Thinking back, she was a bit taken when she had moved to the mountain areas for the first time. I still remember she sounded a little unnerved and insecure especially in the beginning, of course. She had moved within the city but never moved away from the city and her area was pretty isolated to some extent, compared to the capital city where her parents were. At first I bet she was missing home, her friends back home, and her easy life in the city. But within 6 months she was very happy with bunch of friends. What a growth she showed to me. It was one of the GOD's Blessings HE had promised her by her wild move to the distant township. It turned out to be the best move she had made.

Nowadays she talks about her little boy's this and that, her life in Tennessee, her life with her sweet husband. It sounds tender and she is happy to be there. What a difference the decade of life apart has made, and I am blessed to have known all of what she has gone through by her daily email communications with me. I am thankful that there is an IT tool called email. I am an email away from her. 3 seconds or 4 seconds away from her. Isn't that neat that now we are able to communicate anywhere we please without thinking of how long it takes to send snail mails.

My wish for the birthday girl today is that she will have fun today. She is a strong, beautiful, warm woman who can support her family and her friends. She is a blessing to her family and friends. I hope she knows the fact that her mere existence blesses me. ;)

Karaoke Time: Rock'N Roll Karaoke with My Music Buddies!!!

2009-08-22T18:15:00.004+09:00

I often sing for the release of my stress. Right now I am QUITE stressed as I had started working anew and am still a very much newcomer.

I just started working for this famous phone company's PC/Mobile help desk section, and I have a lot to learn right now. Learning curve is hitting but I am doing just fine, compared to those other people who are suffering or getting fired right at the call center where they work. Seeing them can be another stress, I guess.

Singing karaoke is the best thing for me. I used to be vocalist for a couple of amateur rock'n roll bands, so I love singing not just my fave DAVID COVERDALE & THE WHITESNAKE but also VAN HELEN, BON JOVI, BEATLES, EAGLES, LINKIN PARK, Y&T, TNT, NICKELBACK, DEEP PURPLE, LED ZEPPELIN, KISS, TOTO, etc., etc. Singing the hard-rock music out loud from the top of my head will release all the pains and severe conditions that I have to go through for commuting [keeping on foot for an hour in crowded train... Yikes] and those loud ladies who "don't mean to yell" but get real loud when giving us particular warnings or cautions which we don't want others to know about.

Life is good so far. I am doing work that I would like to keep on continuing. It is an IT work and I can earn some new skills and licenses to get to the top of ladder. IT is endless and doesn't stay in the same place. Mobile business is like daily learning process when it comes to functions and services. So, I am happy with the new job but when I am overwhelmed, I go karaoke!!!!

One day before the new job had started, I went karaoke with my best music buddy and she and I kept on singing for 6 hours. At the end of 5th hour, we got a tad tired, and we drank soda and ate a bit [at the karaoke bar we can sit in a closed booth and sing and eat personally, so our Japanese-styled karaoke bars do have numerous rooms in the building and those waitresses go through our rooms to get orders, deliver foods and drinks. We spent time for approximately 6 and half hours, and we went home. It made my throat huskier and I sounded like a female David Coverdale [not too good a singer like KING COVERDALE HIMSELF, but I did manage those 30 songs well and in a great condition!]. The more stresses I do suffer from, the better I do sing. I guess it is the RELEASE, the feeling of being let go free, and then those great thrills of wondering if I can sing all very well. The thrilling feeling changes its shape to become sweat which is never cold sweat. The next day was my first day at work. My voice was a bit huskier but didn't get lost or anything, so it was okay.

After the release, it feels as though I had exercised. I feel a bit quiet and feel like no more sweat comes along. I do not feel any more stresses. I just keep on thinking of a new song to work on before the next gig. ;) Life is good as long as I have those buddies who take me out for karaoke!

One thing I have to complain is that WHITESNAKE does not have too many menus in the karaoke place. We don't have so many HM/HR fans come by to sing. We are the ones who choose all English-based songs and perform well. ;) YEAH, BABY!!!!

The below is the list of what I sang:

*BEATLES:
HEY JUDE
LET IT BE
GET BACK

*DEEP PURPLE:
SMOKE ON THE WATER

*WHITESNAKE:
DEEPER THE LOVE
GIVE ME ALL YOUR LOVE
IN THE STILL OF NIGHT

*LED ZEPPELIN:
KASHMIR
IMMIGRANTS' SONG
STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN

*EVANESCENCE:
GOING UNDER
BRING ME TO LIFE

*MICHAEL JACKSON:
TRIBUTE AFTER HIS DEATH...
ANOTHER PART OF ME
MAN IN THE MIRROR
BAD
BEAT IT
THRILLER
REMEMBER THE TIME
BLACK OR WHITE (GUITAR BY SLASH)
SAY, SAY, SAY (DUET WITH PAUL MCCARTNEY)

*P!NK:
SO WHAT (CLEAN VERSION)

*LENNIE KRAVITZ:
AMERICAN WOMAN (LENNIE VERSION)

*VAN HALEN:
CAN'T STOP LOVING YOU
WHY CAN'T THIS BE LOVE

*TOTO: 99

*EAGLES:
HOTEL CALIFORNIA

*BON JOVI:
IT'S MY LIFE
LIVING IN A PRAYER
HAVE A GOOD DAY

*POLICE:
EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE

*DAVID BOWIE:
LET'S DANCE
UNDER PRESSURE (WITH FREDDIE MERCURY)

*QUEEN:
SAVE ME
WE WILL ROCK YOU
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS

*KISS:
KEEP ON LOVIN' YOU

*ERIC CLAPTON:
LAYLA UNPLUGGED

In the next gig, I am going to include Nickelback, Linkin Park, Daughtry, etc. for the rock karaoke menu of mine, provided that the particular karaoke place has those menus. I heard that my fave David Coverdale does listen to Linkin Park, so I hope to muster some of their songs to karaoke. ;)

I love David Coverdale's high-pitched scream: ARE YOU READY!!!! His scream would wake all of us up and we just get all our attentions to the stage for the guy. I imitate the scream at the karaoke and everyone goes, "YEAH, BABY!!!!!"

"Departures: 'Okuribito', A Movie About Life & Death"

2009-08-15T15:05:00.008+09:00

Today, I write about ignorance, life and death.

First of all, ignorance.

Ignorance is often mistaken with stupidity. Yet stupidity is not ignorance. Ignorance is not knowing, whereas the term stupidity is more of foolishness in one's character. Ignorance can be caught up better by learning early. If I, for example, learn that I am ignorant about something, then I can try to catch up the knowledge by reading books about what I lack and watching videos on such and see myself later on with vast knowledge which I caught up.

I have a very old church friend who loves me as a friend and as a person whom she birthed into faith. She generally feels very chatty and is a fun person. I love her dearly and is such a great friend. I never see her in pessimistic mood, and she is such a blessing to those whom she knows in person. I count myself as one.

One shortcoming I know about her is her flaunting ignorance. She never means to, so I never dislike her but she does openly insult me happily by commenting how weird and strange the Japanese people are. It is not a great sight to see this lady flaunt her lack of general knowledge. That is an honest comment, I know. I know she often forgets that she is talking to a Japanese person. Knowing how Americanized that I was during my stay in the States, she feels life in Japan for me was not really worth counting for. For her own right, I must persist here that she does not realize that telling me how weird and strange [and even abnormal in her eyes] the Japanese culture and people are to her can be quite ignorant and rather sad to me. Once she knows this I bet she will watch her mouth. The fact that I am one of the Japanese has nothing to do with her ignorance. She just feels as though Japan is what it is all wrong for me. For her, the Japanese are the unknown people and she never feels they are understandable to anyone and the country is a curse to GOD.

She loves the way I bubble and talk, she loves the way I choose my English words but still feels it is not native. So she makes loud comments about how weird and strange a writer I can be. She never thinks of me either as a good or native writer. She doesn't realize that cultural background and history and all the other traits on the writer lead to reflect the "wording choice" and it can be a very interesting trait in writing. So, she says like this:

"Well, you write weird English. Your people are weird, too."

This can be a joke but is a bad joke. I hear this all the time and I feel like it is once too many for her to point out the fact. I once got to be very self-conscious about my "weird" writing styles and once consulted with a professional writer. He, a professional British poet and essayist, heard all I had to tell him and then laughed a bit and said in a chuckle.

"Kyoko, she doesn't know how ignorant she is. You know what ignorance is. Those who are ignorant never realize how ignorant they are. See how silly that sounds like? All she reads about is a cliche, I bet. ...Well, Kyoko, with all you went through in the past, and with all you go through in the future, you are owning what you write. You are the one who chooses the words you write. YOU choose your topics to write about and YOU choose how you write it to sound like. That is your ownership: Ownership is one thing you never let go. That is a treasure. Own to save up the words you write and speak up. It is all YOU and who YOU are. It is all of what you do. It is all of what you feel and what you see. If she doesn't wanna understand you, the hell with her. Worry not, my lass, she knows nothing about the best part of English writing. Let her silliness go, Kyoko. Don't ask to be accepted. You are who you are and that is the part we would like to know about. Ignorance is as bad as foolishness: It gets to be habitual. Ha, ha, ha. But they are definitely different. She can correct her ignorance by trying to know you better or reading your writing to understand you better. But she chooses not to, so you have no business staying there and wondering about being accepted by her. She rejected parts of you and who you are: Don't say what bothers you to her. She is not going to understand you nor would she like to realize it is HER who has a problem. She only ends up blaming you. So let her be who she is. If you still accept her as who she is, then let her be. She is also coming from the ample produce that GOD has had so proudly made in affluence all over America, right?"

He is right: Who am I to say such a vicious fact to her? So I don't tell her not to insult me that way. She will only feel bad about it without realizing what a wrong thing she said to me. So I basically let her go flaunting her ignorance about me and my nation. I forgive her lifetime of ignorance. When she does say how difficult for her to understand the Japanese, I just do not respond. For a chatty person like myself, silence means a great deal in a way, even to those whom I talk to. She changes a topic when it occurs. ;)

Long preface aside, I saw a great movie made in Japan and won Oscar for Foreign Films last year. Okuribito is something that can be a learning occasion if someone like her opens up. It is a movie about ignorance. And the characters here do catch back up with the fact that they lack knowledge about get to learn something good about their professions, life and death in general.

I attached a movie critic's page on this film to Okuribito's link. If you are interested, I recommend that you watch the video. It won Oscar, so I bet you can rent the video at the video store. The story is about a young jobless, married, and very good cello player who gets a very strange profession. You may find it surprisingly entertaining.

Daigo is a young man of 30s or so. He was a professional musician but did not have any fans enough to gather at a concert hall, so he was a cello player at a local orchestra. But the orchestra finance went south and it gets bankrupted. Daigo does not know where to go with a young wife aside. His mom just died, and left him a house to live in at the old town where he had once left. He hated himself not coming home to take a good care of his sick mom when his mom was in sickly bed. She left him and his wife, Mika, a little deserted cafe that was co-built with the apartment upstairs. This home was where she had lived with Daigo and her husband, who had somehow taken off with a girl he had met at a bar when he was six. His mom was abandoned and had to raise him alone. He was a child of not just a divorce but also abandonment. Hence he had a big issue with his childhood memories along with his dad. His wife, Mika, is a kind girl. She accepts him as who he is and never brings up anything to demand against him. She is happy just to be with him all the time.

Daigo takes Mika home. They settle down at the old, deserted cafe. Now Daigo needs a job. Now that his music profession does not seem to work, he decides to sacrifice his love for music to find him a normal job. When he goes job-hunting, he doesn't know what to find himself. This is the first job other than his own music. So when he sees a classified job that had a caption with DEPARTURE on it, he thought it was a travel agent's job, and sends in the application. The company he applied turns out to be one of funeral rituals' agencies. In Japan, working with the dead means the lower caste of the professions.

Japanese population is vastly amongst Buddhist or Shinto religions and they do not practice the faith but the rituals are culturally required to be followed through. Ever since the religious terrorisms made against Japanese nationals in Tokyo Metro lines in 1995, the religious activities are not widely allowed to be practiced. However, weddings and funerals are different.

If and when the family dies, the family grieves the death for 49 days. But the family usually lets the cremation takes place a couple of days after the death. Cremation in Japan means nothing disrespectful. It is a religious sign that flesh is burned and departs but the soul is gone to the beyond. The bereaved family is required to let the dead to "get ready for departure for travel to the beyond". Hence, especially in the countryside, the dead persons wear traveling clothes [usually light kimono clothing with Japanese tabi socks along at feet] prior to putting the dead into the coffin. When one dies, we all would like to act respectfully toward the dead and the family. The funeral procession also takes places ritualistically.

Daigo first rejects his own job, often gets nauseated at the sight of death, and he tries to leave his job. Friends and family blame him for selecting a job that works with dead. Clearing the place after a death to put the dead into the coffin before cremation is a profession of the lowest castes, Daigo's friends blame when they see him. So, no wonder that Daigo was amongst them at first categorically when it came to the job description. Once he knew it was to do with the dead, Daigo asks to resign, but the boss kindly says that he should first see what to know it all that is about this profession. And, he adds, he feels Daigo is suited for the profession. The boss does not either beg him to stay on the job or force him in position. He just keeps shutting his mouth but watches his reactions and how he proceeds to absorb all the boss does in front of the bereaved family. It is his own right if he chooses to leave, the boss says, but he lets Daigo drive him to the bereaved family's home and lets him see how the "encoffinment" rites take place.

The ritual is somber but very respectful. Starting from wiping the skins of the dead clean, the boss does a perfect job in such a refined choreography on how he respectfully and quietly lets the dead [unmovable firm bodies] change into the white silk kimono without showing bare skins of the dead to anyone [showing the dead one's bare skins while changing can be understood as very rude to the bereaved]. This is almost an art of doing so. If and when you watch this morbid job's choreography, you will think it is almost beautiful. One of the dead people was a young housewife with three young kids in the bereaved family members. Dad is so gloomy and irritable. He decides to get out of reality where he had to take care of his family but he is not going to do so. He is angry that his dear wife is dead. The movie sees that no one can talk to him with such a sorrow.

The boss and Daigo do their best on the job, and as the gloomy husband sees, the boss makes up her face. He sees his wife's face almost alive; the boss massages the face after wiping it clean and adds make-ups in refinement with pink lipstick and cheek brush. He brushes away the hair, lets her wear nice kimono, let her hands clasped on her stomach. The oldest daughter starts crying, calling her mommy. She cannot believe that her mom is dead. The irritable, bereaved husband leans on to the coffin with a sob. He shows his tears streaming down and never stops. At the end, the husband runs to Daigo and the boss to give them bags of food to eat on the way home. He apologizes about what a bad manner he presented before. It made such a difference that Daigo starts to see how this coffin man job is not just a little odd job but a profession.

Daigo starts having pride in his profession. In a way, he feels like what he does is to send away those dead people to the beyond by letting them prepare themselves enough for the journey. Mika, the ignorant wife who first denied Daigo's profession to be the lowest and he was a shame of the family to work as a coffin man, begins to open her eyes by watching Daigo take back his resilience and optimisms in life with his new profession of sending away the dead to the beyond. Daigo tries to explain to Mika but Mika goes home to her own family for a while to show her disapproval toward her husband's choice of profession. While he awaits Mika to come home in the meantime, Daigo keeps his experience as a coffin man to brush up his skills. The actor does such a great job of coffin man that I felt like he learned every little thing from the real coffin man prior to filming.

Near the end of this film the lady in neighborhood whom Mika liked to talk to while she was visiting a public bath with her husband dies of stroke. Daigo takes Mika, who came back home to clean out the mess to see how Daigo was doing, to the wake of this lady owner of public bath. There she lies in silence, the dead body of a very hard-working bath owner. The lady took over the little public bath here alone after her husband suddenly died, and never said she would sell the land to others like her son advised, so here she lied down in silence without a word, after all tough work she had to do without her son's help aside. Her son is pained at the death of his mom, and he is one of the friends of Daigo's who objected him from taking this coffin ritual job. The friend and Mika, the job-rejecting bunch, now have the honor to watch the trusting boss nod to Daigo, who is now a very seasoned coffin man. They watch how very methodically and respectfully Daigo proceeds to do his job and they realize how emotionally important and effective toward the bereaved family this job can be. Mika is now quietly proud of her husband to choose such an important job.

This film is also a movie of life. Death is shown repeatedly with dead bodies and sorrowness and morbid people around, but the movie centers around the life. This movie's strength is that there is always a part of life aside the death. A father and mother cry together with young daughter who crushed to death by hitching wild ride from a boyfriend, who came to the wake with terrible fructure on his right shoulder. Her mom cries as Daigo works on her, but dad is angry at the boys. Boys are as sad as the dad, but the dad does not allow the boys to come closer to see her beautiful dead face that Daigo had cleaned up for. Her mom cries by saying her daughter used to have no blonde hairs on her head and looked pretty innocent. But the boss and Daigo do such a great job that the relatives are emoted at the sight of the dead girl who looks almost alive in deathly clothes on. They cry, and say, "Thank you for a good job. She did what she wanted to do and died. That is what she chose in life." Daigo hears this and feels he is almost obsessed with the "life choices" in his mind. The boss shares hand-cooked dinner with Daigo while Mika is gone, and the boss tells Daigo to enjoy life. Lifetime joy is expressed on the face of the dead, he says.

At the end of the movie the dad of Daigo's turned out to be dead and Mika and Daigo go to the dad's home. The dad lived in fisher men's township and the township called for a very cheap service to take place without a rite. Daigo rejects the cheap service and pays for his own service to proceed with the preparation for his dad's journey for the beyond. There he lies in silence, and Mika sees Daigo respectfully do his job on his dad.

The movie's point is with ritual process. The order of what to do is very important to this profession, and if you watch this movie the choreography of this preparation is very beautiful. I was so moved with this film that I cried for many times with characters in this movie.

This is one to recommend for this weekend's video night for you. Ebert put four stars and I would, too. This film shows the silliness of having ignorance and persistence over such ignorance, and what exactly is the difference in between profession and a job, and what exactly "profession" means.

ROCK 'N ROLL KARAOKE NIGHT: TWO VOCALISTS COLLIDE!

2009-08-01T16:33:00.004+09:00

I went karaoke with my music buddy the other day and we spent approximately three hours and half singing all the rock music. Amongst those that I sang, I especially love singing Deep Purple and LED ZEPPELIN's numbers. Those old tunes do still strike us well and the guitar plays are superb. The old tunes do not have cussing words nor do they appear sexual or anything offensive. They just ROCK.

Both of my music buddy and I used to be in the band activities and we used to be vocalists, so we two sisters --Christians and singers!!!-- spend our time once every so often to get together and spend hours singing with one another. My music buddy studied English from Beatles' tunes, and I studied English from reading interviews that those musicians gave to Japanese and international journalists in the music magazines. At schools we were the popular ones as well as weird ones, as most Japanese students studied hard and were not too into music. But we enjoyed our lives. I think back those old days nowadays... Am I getting old? Nah. But I enjoy singing even now!

The tune below is my special favorite. Deep Purple is the band where my favorite David Coverdale used to sing with prior to his current job as WHITESNAKE's leader. The song here is one of the major hits and is still famous as a greatest hit. In the 70s when they had come to Japan, we had a great time in concert. Ritchie Blackmore is in Heaven now but David Coverdale is still in this world and singing with us. God Bless All of us Rockers! Yeah, Baby!

Smoke on the Water (Blackmore/Gillan/Glover/Lord/Paice)

We all came out to Montreux
On the Lake Geneva shoreline
To make records with a mobile
We didn't have much time
Frank Zappa and the Mothers
Were at the best place around
But some stupid with a flare gun
Burned the place to the ground
Smoke on the water,
Fire in the sky
Smoke on the water

They burned down the gambling house
It died with an awful sound
Funky & Claude was running in and out
Pulling kids out the ground
When it all was over
We had to find another place
But Swiss time was running out
It seemed that we would lose the race
Smoke on the water,
Fire in the sky
Smoke on the water

We ended up at the Grand Hotel
It was empty cold and bare
But with the Rolling truck Stones thing just outside
Making our music there
With a few red lights and a few old beds
We made a place to sweat
No matter what we get out of this
I know we'll never forget
Smoke on the water,
Fire in the sky
Smoke on the water

SECOND CHANCE: SHINEDOWN LYRICS

2009-07-26T12:18:00.005+09:00

There is a long-haired man standing and looking intensely at the sun going down. The guy starts singing a song of independence, that is the beginning of a music video "SECOND CHANCE" by SHINEDOWN.

A girl is in the video. A very hard-working one, in fact, working in a fish market of some sort on the shore somewhere, and she is stinky and miserable but is working hard to forget about her second chance she deserves. She has this dream of becoming a dancer of sort, we can see in this music video. Her parents do not think of her well either, because she seems to disappoint them for whatever the reason and she seems to disappear in despair if her strength does not carry on.

And she finally decides to go take this audition for dancing show, and her mom does not seem like she is supporting. For the night before she is thinking but is somehow becoming brave and leaves her home. The guy in the beginning often comes back singing his gut out.

Vocalist is a great singer. He knows how to sing. His face reminds me of Vincent D'Onofrio the actor, by the way. He reminds me of a lion. He is the one who did what this girl in the video has done just now, he says. It is his life and he is standing triumphantly after all he had been through, I can see that much. I loved this song. I share with you the lyrics...

I received my chance when I had moved out to the States. I lived alone without my family --rare in Japan for a single daughter prior to one's marriage-- by moving out to somewhere else that I did not know and started over. I loved it every minute and came home without intention to stay longer at home. And I know I will go back to where I had lived to get my own identity at once when I have the next chance. It is almost like living a life with no goals to live here at home but my parents are so old that I need to be there to earn some money for them to receive just small "pieces" of good and safe living conditions that I can give to them. When they pass, I never know what happens. Maybe that is the time I count for the second chance of my life... Too late? Who knows.

Having had a love/hate relationship with my dad all my life, I know my favorite part of this song is where the chorus starts with "...Tell my mother, tell my father..." The chorus part is exactly what I would say to my parents if I do leave my home for the new life endeavors.

SECOND CHANCE

My eyes are open wide
And by the way,
I made it Through the day.
I watched the world outside
By the way, I'm leaving out Today.

I just saw Hayley's comet, shooting.
Said,
"Why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere..."

[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father,
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life.
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance.

Please don't cry
One tear for me
I'm not afraid of what I have to say
This is my one and only voice,
So listen close, it's only for today.

I just saw Hayley's comet, shooting.
Said,
"Why you always running in place?
Even the man in the moon disappeared
Somewhere in the stratosphere..."

[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father,
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life.
I hope they understand I'm not angry,
I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

Here's my chance,
This is my chance.

Tell my mother,
Tell my father,
I've done the best I can
To make them realize this is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance

Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance [x2]

PERFORMED/WRITTEN BY SHINEDOWN

Day by Day by Day...

2009-07-23T14:17:00.002+09:00

When I had a tough time, they would say,

"Kyoko, things get better, I promise. I would take it by a day. [They then crack a smile and say] look, I take it by a minute, Kyoko, by a second!"

I generally agree with them. It is no joke: Things look tumultuous at the moment, but they will NEVER be all the same as tumultuous all the time. Things change.

Right. Things may appear bad at the moment when we look at them one way and never other, but they change their appearance as the time goes on, and believe or not, we tend to change the way we think every minute.

I am getting to know that. That I used to see things one way, and then lament. However, GOD Sees them differently and HE shows me the way out of the problems that we face. I kinda look at things differently nowadays. I guess I grew up in some ways. Innocent minds are limited. They shut out the other voices even if the voices mean well and come from the Heaven. I was like that until I had found HIM. So, all is good now. I hardly ever get pessimistic nowadays. I don't look down on myself anymore. I hardly get to feel sorry for myself... Well, not too often like I used to. When I crush myself down to pieces, I abruptly come back together with HIS Power. GOD is that simply fundamental as my direction. HE shows me where to go, HE shows me what to do. When I do not know, HE directs me.

A day by day by day by day.....

WHITESNAKE FOR EVER: Nobody Can Change Me or What Kind of Music I Listen To...

2009-06-27T10:42:00.007+09:00

WHITESNAKE was my first love of HARD ROCK music, and its vocal and CEO/front man, David Coverdale, was my first love. I still listen to them and enjoy all the same. I enjoy David Coverdale's sweet baritone voice all the same as I used to.

In 1997 when he came to Tokyo with Adrian Vandenberg and performed unplugged versions of WHITESNAKE numbers, I was in the US and working, but I enjoyed the STARKER'S LIVE album where he sang the love ballads to hard-rock songs with unplugged, acorstic guitar that Adrian the guitarist played. Adrian at that time was the member of WHITESNAKE and he did a great job performing the gig with David. David Coverdale can sing just fine like a crooner.

The first album picture here is the most recent album of WHITESNAKE [most recent line-ups have visited Japan just recently in the fall last year and, boy, did we have a blast]. The album is called GOOD TO BE BAD. David Coverdale and his line-ups make fun with album titles, and this is sort of a tongue-in-cheek, one of those bad-boy images that David Coverdale has created for his band.

Some people [especially those who don't know what they are talking about] would like to just run for simple and easier judging acts, make choice on behalf of me without my permissions that I do not need such music, and attempt to have me "change" my music tastes. And I sure tried, believe me, because I also bought their opinions first that GOD did not want me to listen to hard-rock music or David Coverdale, not realizing that such action is just forcing myself to change into whatever I was not like. I have been keeping up with the Christian lifestyles but have not been able to stop this type of hobbies, listening to his songs and enjoying life. Shifting one corner to the other of life is not that easy and I certainly recognize the GODLY force within the change if there is any change that need be. Well, it didn't work, the "changing" act. I never change, nobody changes. GOD makes the changes, humans do not. No one can change anybody else unless there is GOD HIMSELF who can make a Miracle to do so. With such realization, I think that I do believe in GOD's Majesty even more.

Also, when it comes to the influence of the rock stars, PTA moms and dads should see videos of youtube.com more often. One video I saw was a good example; David "DC" Coverdale saw a young kid make a finger sign that shows demonic rock'n roll sign, he chuckled and said: "Oh, what, you lose two fingers? I am sorry to see that. What? Oh, I take a peace sign if you want to show the sign. Don't go with the sign [with two fingers standing like horns of demons]. I take peace. Okay?" Of all the people, Coverdale is the one who has to take responsibilities on what kind of due influence he has given upon kids; therefore, he understands what "influence" upon naive kids. I wish those moms and dads [who shake their heads when it comes to the hard-rock music] would see that.

Okay, back to my topic, my first rock'n roll love, WHITESNAKE. If my understanding is correct, I think they made it bigger first in Japan and in Europe before they made it huge in the States. In the 80s if you made it big in Japan and in Europe, that meant you would also make it bigger in the US. In the US, the early age of MTV phase had started, and Japan and Europe also began having a similar direction where appearance of the singers mattered and began getting prioritized too much. But when it comes to HR/MR music world, tools of trade are still precisions on the guitars, singers' voices, and the songs they created.

The band's name is rather scary for some ignorant, judgmental moms and dads, but the WHITESNAKE does not offer such mere noise. There are some musicians who just make noises. But what they offer here is hard-rock music that has a definite melody and harmony in it. The vocalist and leader, David Coverdale, can definitely sing and performs and delivers the best with the background metallic guitars and pounding drums. And most of his lyrics have to do with love and relationships.

Amongst all the hit numberss that I listened to, the album called SERPENS ALBUS was my favorite. In Japan this album has sold really well with not just high-school boys and girls but also those young professionals who were already beyond the ages of air guitar plays. In Japan rock fans are not just youthful kids next-door. Professional businessmen who get the most stressful days at work went ga-ga on WHITESNAKE. At concert I am sure David Coverdale could see a lot of middle-aged men screaming as well as those future young guitar geniuses at seats. Japanese fans are known to have quite a good taste in music, and therefore obtaining their popularity means popularity all over the globe.

When I was much, much younger, I had a couple of gigs with friends: One that I used to have was not really activity but a hobby group, but a couple of hard-rock heads in the same high school with me came together and wanted to have a air guitar and karaoke thing with me. What a nice memory. Both played fairly well so I sang. Well, I sucked in singing but I enjoyed. After a while I went abroad in the US, I made friends with a group of hard rock college kids who wanted to hang with me. They had their own vocal, but the vocal in charge turned out to become my close buddy and we sang together. Some of the songs came from WHITESNAKE.

WHITESNAKE was my first love of rock music and still is my great companion wherever I am. YEAH, BABY!!! ;)

Amanda Knox Case: Is She a Foxy-Knoxy or a Good Ole' American Girl?

2009-06-20T19:54:00.002+09:00

So what is up with this Amanda Knox trial case? An American student is sort of forced to stand in the court, testifying for her freedom. Her lawyer says to American news reporters that she gotta testify, because it is odd NOT to testify on her own behalf in Italian Court, where the truthfulness of the witness is not questioned, according to the international news media. Laws are quite different in Italy; things sound quite relaxed [to me personally] in Italy, compared to the rigidity of the US court. In Italy, court proceedings take place with long holidays, not to mention weeks or even a month of the summer break taking place just in the middle of the jury deliberation in summer. Talk about laid-back cultures. And somehow this court proceedings do not take place too much during the week. It seems that the eye-witness testimonies with crucial natures do take place during the weekend! In fact, Amanda Knox had to testify on Friday and Saturday last week. And most surprising is the fact that Italian courts are very relaxed with media involvement in any murder case, so jury members are ALLOWED to read news articles about the case they are asked to be impersonal. And the prosecutor in charge of Knox case is being questioned ethically for the work he had done for the previous murder case he had worked on, they say at NBC. Gee, what's with THAT!

Here, I let you read the Wiki resource of the background of this case. American news reports from CNN to ABC through NBC and all the other international media follow this case; from what I see, most American journalists represented by NBC especially are very sympathetic toward Knox. BBC called Amanda a very wild American girl but never felt right about placing her to be the real perpetrator; however, Knox was charged with killing of Kercher, a British student, so the BBC was probably much cooler and hence impersonal toward Knox, compared to the way American media had sympathetically reported.

Both of the victim and the accused were exchange students from foreign countries [Meredith Kercher from the UK and Amanda Knox from the US] to Perugia Italy --I kinda feel I am glad and do thank GOD I was not in similar situations like Knox when I was in the States!!!--. If Amanda Knox was really innocent, I bet she was very surprised to the bad news the police had brought to her about Kercher's death.

They had shared the flat with couple other students and they got along just fine, Knox's former roommate testified, NBC said. One day, Meredith Kercher got brutally killed by knife wounds. She was also sexually assaulted. Well, the nightmare started from this point from the perspective of the Knox family.

NBC News team's videos tell me that Amanda Knox was a normal, experimenting student who fooled around with her Italian boyfriend and used some drugs the night the victim was killed. Italian police did not see her as an experimenting youth; instead, they saw Amanda Knox as a very wild, irresponsible and cunning individual [they called her a "foxy" American]. But can you blame them? Amanda Knox smoked pots and had been spotted as having a wild date with her Italian boyfriend. Kercher, the victim, was said to have told her mother on the phone that one of the roommates she had was an American [Knox] and she was living right next to her room. Kercher told her mother that Knox was quite wild compared to herself, because Knox kept on fooling around sexually without coming home to study, Kercher's bereaved mother testified. Short of blaming Knox for killing her daughter, Mrs. Kercher clearly did not like what she had heard from her late daughter.

NBC reporter in the morning news show Today said:
"Oh, she was just experimenting just as all of us would do at one time or the other in youth; however, she is in the foreign land and we have no way of knowing how her daily life was seen from others in the neighborhood". Well, I have seen college students go wilder, but not to the degrees of what Amanda Knox had gone. Knox clearly enjoyed her gained freedom too much. NBC reported that Knox had worked hard at school and juggled her student life with a variety of jobs and that was the reason why she was rarely home. However, even sympathetic reporter could not make any excuse for her having Italian boyfriend, Raffaele Sollecito, to be spotted with her at anywhere she went to. International media obtained access to a scene of the video where Knox was seen hugging Sollecito close to her and sensually kissed him in the lip in front of the camera. NBC news also gained access to that, and played that video but in different perspective. The correspondent had simply summed up the scene as what any Americans would do to their boyfriends or girlfreinds.

Knox got to testify last weekend. Knox first took up with an interpreter for the court to translate what Knox testified in English, but later decided to go with her own fluent Italian language. NBC reported that her testimony was quite solid and she contended very well toward the cunning questioning of the prosecution which repeatedly tried to confuse her linguistically. However, the correspondent proudly reported that Knox said in her fluent Italian when prosecutor intervened, "Please do not speak up, I am still testifying, sir."

Okay, it is good to see a solid witness. I admit that much that Knox did speak well in Italian. However, there was one miscalculation on Knox's side if you ask me. Her defense was that she got confused linguistically when the police had forcefully interviewed her with some rough expressions against her. Knox even made a move with her hand at court how the back of her head was "bumped by the hand of the police investigator". Using a translator next to her was hence very important strategy for her defense. She had to use the interpreter next to her without getting tired of her slow translator, because the translator was the important help that she obtained during the testimony. By breaking up the pace of the fast-speaking prosecutor by using the slow interpreter, she could avoid the persecutions from the enemy.

If Knox wanted to go for the solid testimony, she should not have used her interpreter at all from the beginning. She obviously got tired of her interpreter's slow and wording, and facially expressed her irritations at times. She did not like the words her interpreter chose to translate. This did not show well to me. If I were one of the jury, I would have felt she was a little too clever to use a translator and wondered aloud why she had to use the translator to start with. If Knox was to go forward with that strength that she had shown in court that weekend, her lawyers should have allowed her to go alone against the prosecutor without the translator next to her.

Well, re-strategizing is too late for now. Lawyers have to go with the hopeful witness testimonies from her sympathetic family and friends. Is Italian jury going to accept the sympathy-seeking plan for the defense? Who knows...

"We, The Jury": Japan Starts Trial By Jury

2009-05-22T19:58:00.002+09:00

It was less than a year ago when I talked about Japanese government adapting trials by juries instead of the trials by three judges. If you are one of those who do not know much about my country, please take a look at JAPAN TODAY site. At first it was said that April 2009 was the time to kick off the trial by jury in Japan, but it got a month later. Initially, government wanted to adapt the system faster and earlier than this, but it obviously got later due to those who oppose jury systems. As Esq. Bloom says online, it is a very big ambition of Japanese government to finally put its people and their definition of "democracy" to test: Can you judge your peers?

I guess I can tell you why those who oppose the jury trials if you do not understand why there are those who oppose such new ambitions of Japanese government. Well, first and foremost, we all need to understand the Japanese culture and history. Japanese constitution and laws are all duplicate of the US laws, as the GHQ at the end of the Second World War has rushed the Japanese government to create a new law real quick. And ever since then, Japanese government joined to be protected under the huge wing of the United States, depending upon the US and its allies for the necessary warfare and the democratic systems.

True democratic ways include a sense of independence, being able to stand up and say one's own opinions without fear. However, most Japanese people do not understand such. By adopting such systems as trials by jury successfully, the government wants its citizens to be independent and get more involved into the law and order of this country. Having a sense of independence will turn some Japanese populations' stomachs because they are so used to be dependent and never have had a "personal independent opinion" about anything that has to do with legal systems in the nation. The laws were made by the US and the older populations who grew up in the war time just depended upon the GHQ which led the country back into the better economy and introduced the democratic world to the nation. So, the older populations will feel awkward about the loss of such strong patron who has been with Japan over 60 years and protected them, and the younger populations might feel a bit too shy about "judging others" with such lack of knowledge in Japanese legal system.

Ergo, more Japanese public are against the jury systems except those who went to the US or the other nations and came back with a true sense of independence in their hearts. Typical opinions of those who are against the jury trials will be:
"What right do we have to judge other peers? Should we get some professionals to do that on behalf of us? What if the jury's decision is wrong? What if we get to be in the jury and see those heinous criminals and feel bad for the victims and we give too much a hefty judgment? We are not legal professionals, so we should not judge others."

Sounds like a pretty cliche in the fairy tale of the past, doesn't it? But that used to be precisely my own opinion until I went abroad. I grew up in the liberalized Japan, yet I was still not completely comfortable to be "intellectually independent" by having an opinion about something, nor was I democratically independent. Nowadays I am more liberalized in expressing my own opinions and I do freely, but at the time I just arrived abroad, having a power and right to "say yea or nay" on whether or not my own peer shall get put to death would have been a huge stretch of my own right, I used to think. I went abroad and found out that I was a baby in that area. We all have a right to say whatever is in our minds and we can express whatever is in our hearts. I didn't know that we had a right to judge others in trials. I think, I never knew how to process the opinions around me and how to think. When I went abroad, my own advisor gently told me I lack abilities in logical thinking and self-expressions. The professor told me to "ceaselessly think", because he found out I had no opinions about anything at first. He kept on asking me what I thought about this and that, and all I said was "I don't know". He told me that it was unthinkable for him to have no personal opinions about anything. He said, "Think about this and that, think about why birds fly and think about why the criminals commit crimes. Always think about what YOU think. Everything starts with how and what you think. You received the highest levels of educations in Japan, but you do not know how to process your personal opinions about something. I'm most interested in what you think, not only because you are from foreign countries but also because you seem nonchalant about lacking your personal opinions. I would like to know. To know something, Kyoko, you have to have your opinions and discuss them by yourself. Do you understand me? By doing so, we can gradually let you process your own viewpoints on something and let you tell us your special thoughts on something, see."

In Japan, the youth began getting more and more liberalized, but they have their opinions about something they are curious about; with this new regulation, we have a new duty to our government, as we became able to judge others by contemplating and expressing a variety of opinions and standpoints. Judging others can be a stress. It sure comes with a question of whether or not the verdicts are right. Still, I think that it is a good chance for us to finally come to a sense of real independence with what right we have here, and finally, really finally, win our own right to express on our own.

"You Are The Person Who Knows Where All The Dirt of My Life Came From..."

2009-05-05T12:45:00.009+09:00

I was twittering with friends in Japanese when I heard this line. My girlfriend was so quick with her humorous reply that I was cracking up. Then I heard it. It came from a drama on my TV. I was not even watching the program but heard the line from the mouth of the actress who was teary and upset in her role. Pretty unforgettable. What a romantic notion of love that is.

"...You are the person who knows where all the dirt of my life came from... You are the person who knows what and who I am..."

Life is not easy. But if there is anyone who knows tip-to-toe, every little thing about you and who you are and how you deal with any problems, just as in that TV drama, life gets easier! Wouldn't you say so?

This particular line cannot be said unless you know the person whom you are with knows everything to do with you. ...Beside GOD, I mean. [GOD does not need a report card to know what is surrounding you. HE sees you anywhere. It is no use hiding from HIM.]

In human love relationships, the person that the actress in that drama was talking to was special someone, who has to be close enough with her. And it takes time for any human beings to know someone else that way. And that is indeed a real relationship.

My point: If we could act faithfully as we believe in GOD, human love relationship can be much easier. We confess every little thing to GOD, HE acts faithfully true to us in return.

Bible says that Love is patient; Love is no easy game. In a secular language, love sure is a losing game: It sure is like Joe Sample's hit number in the 90s, "Love is a Losing Game".

But no, it doesn't have to be a losing game. It is understandable that love can be secular and seen as a losing game: You have to open up to the loved one well enough, with no bluffs, show your true feelings and get to show your vulnerable side. But as long as love is being treated lightly as some kind of a game to play with, the depth of love is not quite there, because the very purpose of any games is to lack depth: Games are played with strategies, and what they say out loud can be all bluffs. Ergo, I say love is not a game. It is a serious thing. There is no win-lose situation.

Here in this drama, the depth is expressed in one word: "dirt". The one you love should know all the dirt from your life, and love is NOT beautiful nor is it a game here. It is indeed the patience and generosity of a heart to offer when we help pick up after other people in despairs.

Yes, when we fall in despairs, we sure know who the true friends are. If that special someone can be there for you when you are in despair, picking up after you and help you, the hapless you, from the endless pit that you see in the dark, then he or she is a true friend. When we throw all the dirt of our lives, we always watch ourselves, don't we? We have got to stay being careful with whom we throw ourselves at. If we make mistakes when and whom, that may be the last time that you hear from or meet him or her.

Sure, there are some secular people who play games without those deep feelings by saying, "no strings attached" (and you can bet that those who want "no strings" would not like to hear your lifetime dirt or sad stories or even hear from you in despairs).

But the true love is different, as true love is often very sacrificial; e.g., giving up on our careers for the sake of the beloved to relocate for the partner's health, or doing something that we do not necessarily have to do to keep on living decently.

In Faith, GOD is the One who gives up on something precious for the sake of us. We only receive what HE gives. Isn't it nice? I wish all my human relationships can be this peaceful. Any Bible reader should know that GOD gave up HIS SON for the sakes of our iniquities. And can anyone do that? I don't think that is an easy thing to give up one's child. What do you think?

Indeed, offering daily prayers, petitions with thanksgiving to GOD are just as the same as the communications in between a couple in love: Without the daily talking session with GOD Almighty, we cannot end the day. And HE would like to have a relationship with us all, so HE is a giving GOD and HE awaits our throwing all the balls; and HE does not even care if the balls were dirty or clean. HE wants your confessions in privacy.

It is a "Relationship" with capital R and never-ending if you want to feel good everyday with yourself. It is a time to confess, it is a time to repent, it is a time to come to thank HIS Mercies. You have to realize that there is indeed some ugliness and, literally, lifetime "dirt" with some of the prayers and petitions we say to GOD. It can be ugly, but HE listens. And HE gives us what and how much we can handle.

If a non-believer hears some real deep prayers from other Christian friends in their privacy, s/he may be quite surprised at how wicked the particular believer can be very often; yet the difference is that the particular believer may be repentant at what s/he has done. I wish that were true in human relationship also.

Relationship is a lifetime Commitment: Once you choose to love the beloved, you should not feel bad or withdrawn to hear some painful facts and wicked truths about your beloved, but as long as the person comes to fall on his/her knees to ask for your forgiveness, you should be able to have a mental space to at least try to forgive and let go whatever is bothering in between the two, just as GOD does daily for us. Hence, they say, "Love never fails nor does it count how many mistakes you or your loved one may have made".

"Love is patient, love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,

It is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,

It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil

But rejoices with the truth.

It always protects,

Always trusts,

Always hopes,

Always perseveres.

Love never fails..."

(1 Corinthians 13:01-08a)

Back to that drama, the girl was emoting herself and said it again in that scene:

"You are the one who knows. You know where all the dirt of my life came from and you are the one that I want. You are the one that I want to marry."

I guess that it is a right decision, precisely... ;)

Non Compos Mentis: Insanity Defense... Does it work in Japan or in north America????

2009-04-25T13:19:00.012+09:00

When one commits a crime and feels out of being him or herself while perpetrating it, he or she claims non compos mentis. What we generally call an "insanity plea". Non compos mentis is in Latin; i.e., "having possessed no composure of mental sanity" at a time.

Because we generally appreciate social life and the society per se with normal mental composure with knowledge of unwritten laws [what we casually know as a moral code and general laws in our own knowledge], we do not claim an insanity. But we claim insanity if we do not know anything that we generally should be aware of.

Shall we see how claiming non compos mentis can be regarded legally:

In Japan, it is lawful and a basic human right for any person in this country to claim one's plea with an insanity, only if the expert psychologist [recommended by the court judge] reports to the court that there was indeed a slight possibility of "losing one's mind" at such an act after an interview or two with the presumed culprit.

Is it possible for one to claim insanity if and when he/she commits unlawful deed? Sure it is. Insanity defense has gained its fame from the US courts mostly, as famous case instances are mostly coming from those of the US courts. However, it is being said that quarter of less than 1% of Americans who claim insanity can "get away with murder" literally [Psychiatric Times].

In Japan, the court judges first orders evaluations on any cases, then after reading the reports, they do not necessarily accept the insanity pleas completely; however, the psychiatrists' ambiguous reports do offer judges some sympathies for the culprits/defendants. When the judges do measure the "quality of consequences" of the crime, Japanese defense lawyers are infamously well-known to bring in more psychiatrists' pre-trial psychiatric test and evaluations results and pre-trial consultations in reference.

Outcome in Japanese courts with insanity pleas is slightly different from that of the US or the north America, as Japanese judges are known to be more lenient to the insanity pleas than those in the US, in my opinion. Consequently, although we see LESS insanity pleas in Japan, more outcomes are successful contrary to the counterpart in the US. However, we never know, as even in Japan we will see juries from later this year. Japanese juries [which will newly be set to go this year] will react differently, compared to the trial judges who are used to the heinous crimes and criminals.

If a crime occurs in the US, the judges order complete psychiatric evaluations. In Japan, psychiatrists do focus on the abilities [knowing right and wrong of one's behaviors] of the man and woman in question [which was perhaps the formed after such an instance as M'Naughten Rules in 1843 in the UK --Japanese government tended to follow after the UK at that time] after the plea is entered. In this rule, all the psychiatrists do at the evaluations will be to understand whether or not the captured culprit understands the right and wrong.

As a result, what happens? Suppose you are a Japanese, court-appointed psychiatrist. If the culprits cannot tell you whether they understand the right or the wrong, you can assume that they are not responsible of the heinous act that resulted with murder, for instance. You put together the reports to the court judge. Judge will thank you politely and your job is completed.

There are quite a good reason why mental evaluation in Japanese prisons can be that simpler than those of the US counterparts.

It seems that national characteristics have something to do with the simplicity of the mental evaluations:

Amongst the Japanese national characteristics known to the world, most famous one of them can be said to be Japanese are rather "conformist". Japanese are largely conformist and they are group-minded. We have more depressed people than in the States but we have less personality-driven social misfits with mental disturbance.

Polite, calm and always smiling --famous characteristics of the nation--, Japanese mild personalities can be globally said to be peace-loving personalities. The Japanese parents also teach their children to observe others for good and bad examples of actions and they tend to teach being in a certain group can be very normal. Ergo, mental evaluations by the hands of psychologists/psychiatrists can be quite milder than those operated in the States, where the characteristics of the nation are so different.

Now, shall we move on to what it is to lose one's mind, and to possess a composure of insane mind?

It is quite rare, but I hear it is possible to lose our own mind when quite an extraordinary thing happens.

For instance, when I was in the States once there was such a case recreated by TV. The prosecution tried the man for murders but he had a sleep disorder that proved in court to be cause of the mental defect that led the murders [once with his parents and second time with his wife].

As Lawrence Martin, MD, writes, Steinberg case in Arizona and Parks case in Toronto Canada are very famous as the successful insanity pleas due to the sleepwalking disorders.

I saw a case in details of Kenneth Parks' killing his mother-in-law [and assaulted his father-in-law viciously] with a knife while he was sleep-walking. Parks claimed he had no memories of such a vicious act AFTER he went to the police and told the cops he may have killed someone.

Although the prosecutions were eager to go after Parks, Defense lawyers called on to the psychiatrists and psychologists to look into the details and mental feedbacks of whatever the evaluations they had done for the Parks family. Experts offered many data of his brain scans that showed typical but acute sleep-walking disorder. In Parks case, the defendant was suffering from the gambling debts and a huge disagreement with his wife prior to his sleep at that night. Parks' wife was also quite verbally and physically abusive and Parks was traumatized by whatever she had said to him repeatedly.

The government still fought him for the first degree murder; Kenneth Park drove all the way to his wife's parents' home while he was asleep. Naturally, most people did not believe at first; however, as the trial proceeding went on the public came to know him as a famous sleepwalking murderer.

Do I believe what he had done is good to be understood as an insanity verdict? Do I believe that Kenneth Parks is a mentally sick man with no composure of mentality? Hmm. I never know. From the documentary film, I believe the director of this film was all for Parks, the defendant. Wife eventually divorced him, I think, and he left the family to start over. I still feel that Kenneth has a moral responsibility to what he had done to his former wife's parents, even though he were found mentally unequipped and eventually innocent.

Can sleepwalking syndrome possibly be a part of criminal insanity plea? Nobody knows. Sleepwalkers can be known to be extremely violent without realizing and often hurt their beloved ones while sleeping [in Japan there was reports of husbands being kicked terribly by sleepwalking wife and became subject of documentary films]. With knowledge that the degree of such violence given by the sleepwalkers can be dangerous --because the doer has no ideas of what he or she is doing and how much is enough--, I believe non compos mentis should be always available in court to choose as a legal strategy.

In the reference that I linked to this essay, Dr. Martin refers sleepwalking as not a mental conditions but the situation of sleeplessness that will cause the brains to react abnormally, but I still feel there should be something we need to think about the responsibility of the culprits.

Do I think mental evaluation should be more strict in Japan? Oh, yeah, you bet. Just as the sleepwalking disorder proved to be the good reason why the crime was excused on Parks and Steinberg cases, I believe that there are some surprising situations where we cannot expect to see with our eyes unless we look into the depth of what is going on inside the minds of culprits.

Is anything excusable to commit a crime? In my opinion, no. There is nothing excusable in murdering the victims. However, is there anything we have to be medically and further legally aware of when we consider the degree of murders committed by those who claim they are mentally ill? Of course there will be.

...Non compos mentis: Having possessed no composure with mental sanity.

We are entitled to the right of insanity plea; however, this strategy is often taken, say, when the most charming person in your neighborhood kills his whole family with no particular, that seems like a good, reasonable defense.

Right????

"Never Stand Down, Never Beg Others, Never Even Regret What and Who You Are!!"

2009-04-18T21:00:00.011+09:00

As you can see this picture, which I got from one of the FB friends' pics --sorry--, sometimes GOD gives you an advice when you need one through your daily things.

It was such a day this past Monday. Work was pretty tough and I was contracted only for a month and I was not happy enough about next month's another project hunting. For an IT professional, I guess that is what I have to do, but it often gets to be tiresome.

One day, I got this little mobile strapping accessary.

I usually buy a can of coffee and a pet bottle of peach tea every morning before I go to work. Every single morning, I go to work in that jammed JR train. Have you ever commuted in JR? Well, unless you get up wee hours to get to go to work, you can never sit. Most people sitting in that train are sleeping like a log. I usually keep on standing in the two commuting trains that I take to work, and it takes approximately an hour and few minutes. For a commuter in Japan, it is a short commute, let me tell you. ;)

At my work station's exit, there is a small KIOSK and I stop by to buy a couple of drinks so that I can drink 'em while I am at work. I usually buy two bottles unless weather forecast gets us to realize that it will be extremely a warm day that day. Of course, there are some vending machines at work, but I do not like any of those lined up in the machine, so I buy this peach tea along with the can of coffee, which is not being sold at anywhere else.

Well, that day's peach tea bottle had a little premium prize in a small plastic bag that was hanging from the top of the bottle. Inside the plastic pouch was this little strap for the mobile phone with a little flash light. This flash light had a black button on top and if and when you press this, you get to see a red light coming and inside the red light was a few sentence:

"NEVER STAND DOWN,

NEVER BEG OTHERS,
and

NEVER EVEN REGRET WHAT & WHO YOU ARE!!!!"

Well, that sounded like a message from the LORD:

"Kyoko, NEVER STAND DOWN --DO NOT RECEDE-- from what you are doing; if you do, don't even get to start what you have started off. Next, NEVER BEG OTHERS for anything; if you want something, seek and ask for it from Me. . You don't have to beg OTHERS for anything for I PROVIDE FOR YOU. Lastly, NEVER EVEN REGRET WHAT & WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU ARE DOING; NEVER LOOK BACK at what you have started off. There is always HOPE. Stay with the GODLY rhythm everyday, and you shall get what you need provided and given right there. REMEMBER, ALWAYS HANG ON TO MY RIGHT HAND AND YOUR FUTURE IS ALREADY SET IN MY MIND; YOU HAVE A BRIGHT FUTURE AND I AM THE ONLY SOURCE OF JOY AND HAPPINESS. JUST STAY WITH ME."

So I spot a RED light on the white wall and say,

"NEVER STAND DOWN! NEVER BEG OTHERS FOR ANYTHING! NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU'VE DONE AND WHO YOU ARE, AS GOD LOVES YOU AND YOU ONLY! March ON, Kyoko!! MARCH ON!"

VBA [Visual Basic for Application] and Pivot Table Work...

2009-03-31T00:15:00.001+09:00

I got a brief project that limits the work for a month, but I somehow found a job for this coming month. For the next month I don't know what to do but the projects will come when time is right.

I believe that this new project work is a supportive work for this project team to research about the global markets for this client which is quite famous in the world.

Basically what I do is to edit all the complex macro VBAs and Pivot Tables with Graphs they provide to work on, so that they can provide the correct info to the presentation teams. The editors teams [mine included] are to be contracted only for a month, so that we can focus on which country should be triumphantly providing sales, and which country is facing problems in economy, and so forth.

I think you might wonder why I chose this picture with a DAD pup and his little pups. Project teams are like that. Team Leader is the King of the world and he determines what to say, what to do, when to finish and at what time to complete the project.

My team leader is from a Sales background, so he knows how to smile [or grin] without making his eyes softer. He has this pair of intense eyes but his lips are grinning upward and I can tell that he is smiling. From which I can tell that he is pretty stressed with this work. He is pushed with deadlines within this month, and he is pretty conscious of timetable and creates those MS Project timetables for everyone to keep up with. ;o

My senior lady officer is another morose woman who doesn't seem to have learned how to smile; she never smiles and looks down at the desk intently all the time. She is one of those people who seem to be very difficult to talk to. ...Wow.

Third man in the team is the lady officer's senior director. He does not smile, either. His facial expression is "nil" and he has no emotion shown in his face. No smiles, no kind words but he is very careful about what he says, so he is a slow speaker.

Fourth member in this team is my partner. She is just as crazy as I am and we laugh a lot together. She is a relief of the tension which piles up in this group of people. She and I are coming from the same agent, so we basically get together and hang all the time. She is a very handsome woman who knows how to do the job. I hope I do not get too late for any edition deadlines.

Deadlines... Yikes... My life is a repetition of finding a good job, but in this economy in Japan, I cannot complain if I get a job even for a brief time. I gotta be thankful. Rates for the pays are not too bad, and I am happier about the fact that I got hired by this firm for a month. At least I have an income for another month, thank GOD!!!

VBAs and Pivot tables are not too bad, if you know what and how to do whatever you are expected to do. This project team takes a full couple of days to communicate me and my partner what the rules are in this project when it comes to how we make the new editions for the mega corporate that is their client. I will get to be trained to be extremely detail-oriented, my team leader told me and my partner.

Well, I hope I can get a new skill along with how to read those fine-prints!!! But I shall do my best, so my project leader will think of me next time when he has a similar project coming. Everything depends on the skills we get. Especially when it comes with EXCEL work, I mean...

Oh, GOD. Give me a bunch of blessings. Thank You. Amen.

Life for Life? --Abortion Doctors' Killings---

2009-03-29T19:51:00.006+09:00

I belong to this site at FACEBOOK where I can express my belief, faith and love for the LORD. I love the LORD because HE is the base of everything, I look up HIS Wisdom in every little action that I take to rely on HIS Book, the Bible. Because of the how I created the site, most readers consider my site to be pretty Christian and westernized in FACEBOOK, not to mention it is in English version.

One day I saw a docu-drama [documentary recreated by dramatic performances] that based upon the real-time story of a Christian "soldier" who maintains that he had murdered numerous abortion doctors based upon the teachings he had learned from the BIBLE. He called himself a "hero". His heroism was something I had never heard of. He maintains that his heroism comes from the Biblical verse that we are all wearing the war armor given by GOD.

The doctor was killed in front of his own children, and the doctor did all he could to protect his own life, according to the drama. This crime is not forgivable because the killer chose the time to kill the man at the doctor's family home and in front of his children, not to mention that killing per se is not a right thing to do.

The killer grew up in strict Southern Baptist Christian family. His father was a veteran and he did what he could do to bring up all his kids to be "decent". Amongst the siblings the man who killed the doctor was a black sheep in the family, as he failed his school twice or so and he did not take on any leadership roles in church he and his family were frequenting.

Life was quite difficult for the man and he just broke up with his former girlfriend. She got pregnant while dating with the young "soldier of the LORD". Girlfriend contemplated the abortion as she had her future planned altogether and this pregnancy was rather unexpected. The doctor she went to was the doctor her boyfriend killed.

He maintained his only "crime" was not having a steady hand to support the gun, so it took three bullets to kill the doctor who protected his kids at the backyard when the man "took out the sinner from this earth". Asked about the bereaved kids of the doctor's, the killer looked down to say they were "collateral" damage.

As I saw this film, you can imagine how affected I was with this story. Mentally thinking if it is possible for me to continue having the faith, the same faith he claims to have been having, in the future. Killing people and letting their children see their parents horrifically murdered are not what you are taught to do at any church as far as I know.

I believe that this man went somehow snapped somewhere in his head to kill the doctor and justified his own act at his faith, but I don't think I can forgive the man.

Pet Peeves... On Friends and Others...

2009-03-26T00:10:00.006+09:00

A group of Japanese social scientists recently have published a good list of what kind of pet peeves the Japanese youth have toward their friends.

Here is a list of what Japanese youth would feel about their own peers especially when they feel a bit different and awkward about their friends:

1. How much money they spend: If you are of the modest means, you feel a bit awkward about your friend when you find out that he is an overtly money-spending swinger or shop-holic person.

I personally had such an experience and I felt quite a difference in between her and me. My friend turned herself into a shop-holic. I could not go out with her anymore, since she stayed up late to burn some midnight oil to shop every little thing on Internet. She could not get up in the ordinary morning and she showed up an hour or two late for our lunch dates or worship time at church.

2. How and What they perceive their values: This includes faith, work, marriage, etc., etc.

3. What kind of a humor they have: If your friend feels quite a funny tick to see people being violently attacked, you might consider dropping him or her from your friends' list.

4. What yearly income they have: If you have a friend who makes millions of dollars a month, and if you are of the ordinary means, then you might feel a difference in friendship.

5. How much liquor they drink and what kind they drink: Drinking with friends especially amongst the male circles in Japan can be a very important friendly occasion. If the friend shows a little too much dependence upon alcohol, then the friends cannot keep on drinking with the friend.

If the friend loves too much an expensive whiskey or something, then the money will be a stress to the friend, too.

6. What timetable they have: If your friend is working a midnight shift, you who work in the daytime might have a tough time meeting up with your buddy.

7. What food they love to eat: Very important for anyone to go out with someone else. You don't want your friend to be Dr. Hannibal, right?

8. How much motivation they have for their work: If you are a hard-worker, and if your friend is a less motivated worker, then you do have a difference altogether.

9. Likes and dislikes of cinemas, music, hobbies or anything that you love to do: If you and your friend have a common hobby, then you feel much easier at talking with your friends.

10. How they treat their social interests: If your friend is a couch-potato man and you are deep into volunteerism, then that is a big difference in between you two.

In my case, I have Best 3 Pet Peeves in terms of kind of a friend that I have:

1. Those who cannot say "thank you" when they need to say it:

If you owe some favors or whatever the friend did for you, you need to say thanks to your friends. In Japan, there is a proverb that says "Those who are familiar with one another should take extra caution about how to treat one another, as manners are something we tend to lose track of." I believe that is true.

It is my personal motto to say "Thank you so very much!!!" when my friend did something for me. Whatever he/she did for me sure was unnecessary for him/her but for me, so I ought to say thanks definitely!

If a friend does not have this type of custom, he/she loses my friendship and interests about him/her.

2. Those who tend to make up a group to bully a specific person:

The ring leader of such bullying often lacks courage and cannot do anything alone but in a group.

In China, there is a proverb that is common to Christianity: "Sky is a wide and large place called Heaven, and that is where GOD is living in and HE always watches us; you better be careful about what you do and what you say to others, as GOD is always watching every single behavior you act on. If you act badly and if you create grudges with or by others, then GOD sees fit that you will be punished and damned to spiritual death."

I believe this is common to Christianity in terms of Heaven and Hell and Ultimate Judgment by GOD at the end.

3. Those who have lower self-esteem:

I wrote about this friend of mine who gives up before acting on it, but I really do not like pessimistic people. I am a very optimistic and sunny type of person and don't care too much with a "wet blanket" who makes others surrounding him or her really morose, or even depressed altogether.

Life is just given once and I sure treasure every little moment that I own. I believe that life is a present from GOD, so I sure would like to enjoy as long as that is what GOD categorizes as good. I want to enjoy friendship and I want to try many good things.

In terms of changing friends' habits or customs, that is considered as rather a controlling behavior, so I just do pray that the person may change.

Though, it is true that I may distant from that person a bit.

Anyways, this is what I thought about the list those social scientists made.

We Girls Declare to be Courageous!!!

2009-03-23T21:39:00.005+09:00

I have a friend who has been confiding with me closely since July last year or so. This girl is a hapless one who came to Tokyo alone to work and send back some of her earning to home. Her home is a poor farmer's family with lots of children. Her mom used to be a professional hair dresser, but she quit her job after getting pregnant for the fifth time --the girl's youngest sister--. My girlfriend is 28, pretty bulky and rather obese at first sight but she has a warm, generous heart. She is a sweetheart with an elephant's steps: She is not retarded or anything, but she takes an extra little time for anything new. She takes a little too long time to learn something new, slowly gets associated with others, and slowly gets accustomed to the new environment, but when she does, she does things super well. But she has a lower self-esteem and has quite a morose personality and that made people around her feel bad for her.

Everyone loves Natsumi because she is such a sweet girl with a lot to offer. But she does not realize how well she communicates with others, how good she is when she cares for others, how sweet she is when others are in pain. Only she herself does not know it.

Natsumi's lack of esteem has to do with how she was brought up by her parents. Back home, she says she never was abused; however, she was strictly taught "never to be proud" of herself: Her parents were of very modest means, and they taught her pridefulness is an extreme sin. That alone is a good thing. But the way they taught her was a little too extreme, because it included how she conceived herself, how she sees herself in the mirror. She does not feel she is beautiful or even sweet to others. She is always looking down at herself, as though that is the best thing for her to do. She does not feel she is good enough all the time. Even when we give her a praise or even an admiration, she does not admit any of that. She makes excuses here and there to create the reason why she is a "stupid, silly and below average person" and doesn't deserve such a compliment.

I always give her an advice to be optimistic. I, being older and a bright source of her happiness and fun ever since she met me, took her around town to have fun [simplest things from window shopping to playground and watch movies at theaters can be a new stuff for her], had her meet most of my friendly co-workers [who fell in love with her altogether and stayed friendly with me and her as good friends], and took a good care of her when she needed, especially when she was extremely sad or depressed more than usual. I became her surrogate mom, but now she came out of the "incubation period" and graduated to become my cute younger sister. She became a little brighter and still feels a little awkward about moving ahead of everyone and doing things that sound new or interesting, but she began feeling it was okay to do something that attracts her attention --as long as it is not something categorized as "bad" or "guilty stuff" as she put it, of course, in her parents' eyes--, and she began having new friends.

Being a surrogate mom for someone that is in denial can be a big stress [my lady friend might know that, come to think of it, LOL]: Often I needed someone who knew what I talk about and understand what I go through. When Natsumi began making new friends at a project we took part in, I also made a new friend with this other girl who was at my age. This one is a little more closer in personality and similar to my background, so we are good with one another as friends. We agree with one another all the time and we do feel Natsumi is a good younger sister now. So we still take Natsumi around the town in threesome, have supper together or go to lunch here and there together.

Now we are looking for new IT projects anew in threesome, and we are going to a new agent tomorrow to see if there is anything that we can work together in threesome. I and the other girl are pretty similar in "sunny & funny" characters, and we identify with one another when it comes to our sense of optimism and having a courage about something new to do. Natsumi, of course, felt awkward about finding a new project from a new agent. She has been stuck with the same agent who does not even give her a raise for over those long 4 years for those stints that nobody else even wants to take. But sweet Natsumi felt he cared for her in person, and that was the reason why he gave her the same rates --which my other girlfriend believes to be a sense of denial on Natsumi's part--. Well, that is a whole other topic, ain't it. ;p

Today, I and other girl set her up a new agent. Because she feels awkward about going there alone, we are accompanying and we also register ourselves, so that we can take part into the new project --if there is any-- from this new agency. With this new agency, we can get a better rate per project, and we can even receive some computer lessons free-of-charge if we so prefer. Sounds great, huh?

I and the other girl told Natsumi, "Be Courageous!!!! Cheer up and look up for the best fit for you! You should feel better about yourself when you find the best fit and feels you won a good project!!!" Natsumi looked surprised but took it in. Gulp. "Okay," she slowly whispered. Then we smiled. Hey, Japanese girls stand up against anything that is not fair. Hey we are strong! [I think we were saying that as much for ourselves as for her, you know.]

I say,
WE THE GIRLS SHOULD BE COURAGEOUS AND START THINGS ANEW WITH A GREAT HOPE AND OPTIMISM!!!!

CHARGE IT!!! For a License...

2009-03-21T19:58:00.006+09:00

Nowadays economy is tough; hence, you search for a good IT job, then you cannot live without a license or some kind of proof that you can work well at it.

I had a friend in the past who was quite PROUD that she was a very able IT programmer. But at the end, she realized later that the computer age advances so FAST that she could be rusty easily. Later on, she finally decided that she was going home in the States to get back on track for the new license.

I realize this. The fact that the IT age advances so fast. In Japan there used to be a license called System Administrator. But now the national license became changed and it matches the fast move of the IT age, so that the license is now called an "IT Passport". This license is something of a timeless license, which means that the more score points you make the more knowledge you get.

The older license "System Administrator" was a national license but once you get a test taken you are licensed only with those applications and OS systems that you are tested with. And the new one's score points show the range of whatever the level you are at; the definition of this "IT Passport" license is that its levels co-relate and match to those of the other countries' IT licenses [IT Passport license is similar in quality to that of TOEIC, Test of English in International Communication, in the Asian business world]: How many score points you make will be equivalent to such-and-such license in such-and-such country or such-and-such levels. Just as TOEIC test results will co-relate the requirements of English abilities in some categories such as "Conversational Levels" to "Business English Levels", the IT Passport license will give the blue-print of what level you are at.

This license test is also cost-effective. The more score points you achieve to make the more IT knowledge and experience you prove to have, so you don't need to seek other type of licenses to go up the ladder. The national license will define the levels with score points you receive, so the certificate will describe what international license is equivalent to this level or that level and you can understand easily at what IT knowledge level you are at.

Of course, there are other national titles and licenses that you can apply for in IT field, but the basic field requirements will be satisfied with this IT Passport license.

Exam fees are just 50 bucks or so. You buy a couple of text books, you study, then you take test. Tests take place twice a year. Both are the same tests, so you don't need to take twice unless you got a worst ever result in the prior. Then you can take back the points by working hard to gain more points in the next exam.

As an IT help desk operator or even a customer service agent for the computer users, I am required to take this license test if I am seeking a better job. With GOD's provisions, I am hoping that I will be able to complete the exam with the great outcome. The next test will be either September or October, the government official in charge of the license test told me on the phone.

A good friend of mine recently decided to go to book keeping classes, and maybe she can become a licensed tax advisor or counselor. I was more attracted to the quality of IT specialist, so I am thinking of IT Passport license test.

Just like the photo of this cat who is CHARGING, I would like to charge it! ;)

What Does Your Birth Month Mean to You???

2009-03-18T01:11:00.005+09:00

According to the FACEBOOK readings, my birth month means the followings:

"JANUARY Birthdays:
Stubborn and hard-hearted.
Ambitious and serious.
Loves to teach and be taught.
Always looking at peoples flaws and weaknesses.
Likes to criticize.
Hardworking and productive.
Smart, neat and organized.
Sensitive and has deep thoughts.
Knows how to make others happy.
Quiet unless excited or tensed.
Rather reserved.
Highly attentive.
Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds.
Romantic but has difficulties expressing love.
Loves children.
Loyal.
Has great social abilities yet easily jealous.
Very stubborn and money cautious."

...My gush. Oh, my. Who wrote this??? It sure sounds like me. Wow.
(*_*;)This is almost making me cold-sweat...

But, wait, I thought.
Stubborn and hard-hearted? I am stubborn for sure, but for other reasons, probably. I get hard-hearted if someone pushes me to the edge and cannot bear any longer.
Highly attentive people are everywhere if they are interested in many things.
You can be ambitious and serious about anything that you are KEEN into.
Loves to teach and be taught? I love both if it is about something I am good at. It depends. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses? I am not. ;( I am trying to see the good in people in GOD's Eyes. And furthermore!!!! Likes to criticize, they dare to say? Well, I would criticize someone if the person criticizes me wrongly. For instance, it just had happened that this lady called me names in her emails she had sent to me, and I criticized her pretty well to the point where she feels terrible about herself. It was not a great moment, but what she had said was wrong, so I gave her a moment to see through how wrong she was. Hard-working and productive, yes. I am very hard-working and productive. Instead, I get sick after getting too hard at work. ;S

Am I smart and organized? Well, I do not think I am organized but I am smart enough. Especially for the street-smartness, I do possess a good one lately. ;)

Sensitive and has deep thoughts. I tend to ponder during the train rides or commuting. While I am reading I am consistently thinking of how this plot can be possible or what can come next. So you can say that I am pretty deep into thoughts, again, when it comes to something I am interested in.
Knows how to make others happy? Yep, that is quite right. I make people laugh and I do try to have fun. One wrong thing here is that I am said to be reserved unless upset or something.

I am pretty loud and noisy. ;D I am more American than my girlfriend, Wendi, who is quite reserved and quiet. Rather reserved? Hardly. Highly attentive? Oh, yeah. I am an attentive person. ;)

Resistant to illnesses but easily prone to cold? Hmm. I do try to protect myself from illnesses but I am not prone to not just cold but almost every little illnesses when it comes to the time I am feeling weak.

Romantic but hardly able to express love: True. How true is that???? I am shy in my inner self, so I have a tough time expressing my love to the beloved. I always lose the interests from the man by acting like I am not interested. ;S

Loves children, and is loyal. Ah, love for the kids. I would love kids as much as I would love other animals. All the cute things. Altogether. Sorry, baby boy of my friend's! He is no cat, let me tell you. He is a cutie. I am his Japanese auntie, so I am happy to say hi to him when I am there in the States someday.

I am loyal. I am quite consistent with my best girlfriend. What they say nowadays like BFF? ;>

Has a great social abilities but easily jealous... Well, how true. I am a pretty social person, and I am not too quiet, that is why I do not think my being quiet is not so sounding right. I am a very outgoing type. My girlfriend [and is an American] is rather introvert. We can switch the nationalities and we may match our characters to the national types. Ha, ha. I love my girlfriend, who is quiet and reserved. She listens to compared to speaks up to whatever is on her mind. I talk, talk, talk, and she listens, listens, and listens. And once I told her to talk and she told me: "I'm a type to listen to you. I love listening to you talk." That is a great way to stay as a listener. That is a good reason why I love her as a best girlfriend.

Very stubborn and money-cautious. Former is right the latter is not quite right. I am not money-cautious. I tend to spend it all if I have more than what I am supposed to, so I try not to carry too much. ;(

I am stubborn, though. Once my friend Becky told me she felt like she was talking to the wall. Topic of course was something of what I did not like to talk about, so I could feel like wall to the people who brought up the subject, but nowadays I am pretty good as a listener too, since my new girlfriend, Hee-chan, which is a nickname of Hiroko ["chan" is a term of endearment, meaning cute, beloved one], who is my good friend, tends to talk too much. I mean she likes to share and talk. She talks so much that I have a tough time following up often. ;) But she is bubbly and is fun to be with, so we are good friends. Other friend, Natumi, is a quiet one. She is reserved and is a listener. She likes listening. I put most of my girlfriends together without me, then they will have a tough time communicating, as Hee-chan will be the only girl to talk, talk, and talk. Ha, ha, ha.

Well, I am blessed with many friends. I thank GOD for that. And my birth month character? It is given by GOD and is not given by anything else. I am pretty consistent only with GOD. That is so funny. ;b

Being Godly is One Tough Thing!!!

2009-03-15T20:10:00.004+09:00

In Today's Daily Reading, the Verses are being read as follows:

For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.1 Timothy 4:8

It is also read in NIV as follows:

Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the LORD, the RIGHTEOUS Judge, will award to me on that day!!! -- and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for HIS appearing.Saint Paul said that, as he holds onto his own righteousness based upon the teachings from the LORD, he will receive the laurel crown from the LORD at the best time ever for him to have one at the LORD's Promise.

Yep. Having godliness in own mind and heart is one tough thing. Let me tell you, it is rather easier for anyone to fall from grace than climb back up to the righteous living. Once fallen, we have no bottom. It is a fall all the way.

I am hanging onto the thread here; I am hanging onto the edge every single day, but I am somehow holding on, just because HIS RIGHT HAND is keeping me on and grabbing me up strongly to HIM and HE is alive within my heart every single day.

Recently, I sure was tested quite a bit when it comes to my own faith. And I came to realization that I am being pretty faithful in my heart to GOD HIMSELF. He is the Righteousness, He is the Good in my heart.

Well..., I have been behaving well, ;) and not to mention contributing to my home and supporting my elderly parents and not listening to trash that some of my silly and godless co-workers may make me try to listen to.

Sure, I listen to the rock'n roll music, one of pastors may not like that fact, but I don't appreciate the lyrics too much, compared to the music and guitar plays. And I appreciate the talent and gift that the guitarists were given by the Man Upstairs. The Man Upstairs sees me work hard, contribute well to family and try not to be too forceful about almost anything. I think I have not behaved too wrongly lately.

I used to be a wilder child, come to think of it. Sure, it is very tough to be this way all the time. Sometimes I slip here and there. But the slip is not a fall so far. I either feel sorry for me or resent the way some people are acting out toward me and I just slip a bit but don't go all the way from the top to the bottom. Thank GOD for that. The most fortunate thing ever I can think of in my life is that I get to be picked up at my neck by HIS THUMB when HE sees me almost falling.

He picks me up and looks into my eyes and goes,

"My Child, you went too far, honey. Here, you are supposed to be staying around there, so I am placing you here near good people of mine. Keep in touch with them and always stay faithful to ME, and you will have no problem. Just don't wander too much, huh?"

HIS Palms making a little tulip and I sleep in tears. Next morning is a good new day. Every time I have a bad thing coming, I have a comfort coming from HIM. He protects me.

Having HIM in my mind, having HIS Spirit in my mind, is one big honor. The fact that HE stays with me is something of an amazement. ;D Thank YOU, LORD, for always staying with me. I seek my own laurel crown that I sure hope I will receive from YOU...

"Before I Finish You Off", She Said

2009-03-14T20:48:00.008+09:00

Galatians 5:13-18

"You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.

The entire law is summed up in a single command:

Love your neighbor as yourself.

If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.
So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature.

For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want.

But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law."

I had this Christian lady friend. She calls herself a baptized Southern Christian, and her denomination is a Southern Baptist Union, she says.

I met this lady at work where full of non-believers exist, so I thought it was a GOD-BLESSED fate. HE Gave me a Miracle, I thought.

I was very happy to talk to her, as any of Christians who live in non-Christian world knows, it is often very rare to see a passionate Christian as a friend from own native land. I made two mistakes: I gave her my mobile numbers with email addresses; I began having a rather quick and closer friendly conversations all of sudden. I did not realize that abusive people do have charms in turning people's attention extremely positively for them. She began emailing me little emails of hello and good evenings. It was fun, so I sent her greetings back, and we began talking on the mobile emails.

Well, she was some kind of a character, at least I know, so I should have known, but she has this bad tendency to focus on something and keeps on talking about this one thing all the time once she is taken into that "phase". She is a wife of a professional tempura cook, she says, and they have 2 sons, whom she calls both she and her husband take to church on Sundays. "It is a sense of GOD-GIVEN disciplines, you know", she said to me. One thing she made me wonder was that she tends to judge people terribly. She considered those whom she did not agree with were not her friends and she considered them enemies. One of such co-workers turned out to be the man who was rumored to be lashing toward an elderly lady who did not seem to do her job well and later got fired. She additively talked about this lady's sudden unemployment, then she began talking about "suing the man". After a while, she decided to stop talking about it any longer, as her supervisors began talking about firing her if she would make troubles around this man.

For the next 2 weeks or so she did not go to her church and she excused that fact as busyness; however, she is a forgiven person because she went back to the church, she said, after she went to the church. One day I emailed her I had a bad day and felt badly about this and that. It was a message I wrote to a friend like a complaint against all the bad, cold world, but she used that message as the reason why I feel the things are not good is merely due to me being a BAD Christian.

For few days now she decided to talk me into going back to church. Only she should know better that I have been torn apart to many areas with great stress. First, my Mom slipped on the bed and she had to fall. Since then Mom has a tough time walking, so she needs ME to assist to start with. With older parents who do not even have enough pension to count on, I am the only one to bring bread and rent to home, as I do not have a great husband or a sibling who can help out our home finance areas.

The Christian "friend" decided that it was BEST time that I am busier that I should go back to CHURCH. She began persisting on the email messages that she would send with a lot of imperative, often abusive words with extremely LONG messages why I should go to the church.

One problem is that I am already baptised and I am a Christian with a solid decade into my belt, and I studied with those people constantly in Bible and I am still stuck in Bible and do work in HIS Word. She does not need to remind me that I should go back to the church or do whatever she does. That was something that had been in my mind for a long time, as I am aware that things would be much better if I did have my own church nearby. All the angles I am torn apart here and there with great stresses, and I am feeling extremely tired. The more she focuses upon forceful ways of expressing her pressures upon me, the more I asked her to pray for me and my family and asked her to pray on.

Knowing all the things happening around me, she still pressed on. She didn't care how much I asked her to pray and stop talking, but she kept on pushing. Sending emails after emails to pressure me. I felt more than extreme pressures from her emails, which began getting longer and longer and more and more hateful against hypocrites in the world "like you" in context.

At one point I did not feel she has no idea what it means to pray for others. Or is there any problem in her reading skills, because I kept on writing back that all I need is not a preaching but a good prayer and a sense of Christian Sisterhood that would not judge me but love me.

She then began sending me messages extremely long and shamelessly abusive context as the fact that I did not listen to her was a wrong choice: With a parting word, she said to me, "...So before I finish you OFF here, I am not a friend any longer with a liar, who is no Christian and not listening to sister's good words."

She wrote this in Japanese, so it is a translation, but what she has written to me in the text message was not called for and she knew it as soon as she received message back from me, as I quietly told her that I did not want her to write me about this matter anymore.

In Galatians the WORD says that we should consider anyone as a neighbor and we should love one another and love one's neighbor. Her message did not sound or show any friendly love or neighborly cares.

It was a sad day. I live days with GOD's LAWS & WORD. I read Bible and I love to listen to HIS WORD. But right now I have not time for church gathering. I have to care for my parents who are ailing and older, and I have to bring home pays to keep our roof over our heads. I wish I were able to find a place to go to the church but my favorite church is not located nearby. And I do not wish to go to hers, as she seems satisfied with whatever the finishing remarks she has made against me by lashing against me.

I hope I can live my life much simpler, but I also have responsibilities. I wish she has a prayerful mind somewhere if she is really a Christian.

Strawberry Freaks

2009-03-08T00:50:00.002+09:00

Today I had a great fun with my friends at work. We had a lot of things to chat about and commiserate with one another. Our contractual work will be over on March 16th, as the deadline for filing for tax returns will be that day and if you file later on, you are considered LATE and the NTA [Japanese version of IRS] will hound those who are L.A.T.E. if you know what I mean. ;)

The contractual works for computer operators and help desks are very unstable. As soon as the term is over, we need to move onto the next placement, but we don't have a new placement yet and the deadline comes quite near. Of course I am worried as they are also. Today was a Saturday and we got together at a station near my favorite hotel cafe.

We spent a few hours having cups of coffee and some small chocolate brownies with iced cream. The purpose of three of us getting together was to discuss on what job we can do next. We prefer doing stuff like phone operation or help desk, as the pay is not too bad, but the economy is SO BAD. That is the evil.

After the 16th, we need to get a new work; usually, it is our temp agents' job to fit us in a suitable position next, but the Japanese economy is so BAD as well as jobless rate is getting worse right now that full-time employees who got fired moved onto the stage of where we are, so we need to keep in touch with our agents as well as we expand our network. Today's purpose was to talk about what we can do by referring to what agencies we are calling in and getting jobs recommended.

My network was a bit wider than the other two, so we shared our networks and we decided to go on with this one specific temp services and one specific job site where we are able to sign in and get some info about a favorite job or position. We along with one other girl happen to get together [almost like every other Friday nights], so we would like to get a similar job or even get on the same team somewhere. So, we need a little bit of planning. When to take the interview, when to go and when to be starting the job...

After the serious discussion we decided we got hungry again, so we decided to go to have a dinner together. It is most likely the last dinner we have together until we get to move onto the next job, so we decided to go to a nicer one.

We decided to walk along the streets down to the next station, which was approximately 30 minutes away by strolling. One girl was divorced and had to leave her son home at her ex's where his family member is mentally insane and very unstable. She was concerned about her son, but she could not pick him up as she has no money to support him. He should be better off with his dad, she feels, but actually she misses him, of course. We talked about our background history and this and that and found a very good restaurant called ON THE HERB CAFE & RESTAURANT. This is a very Italian cafe and they offer pasta and pizzas in various menus, but they also offer nice herb teas. Three of us shared Margarita pizza, other girl got a sea food salad with shrimps and pasta. My best girlfriend is amongst those and she got a nice plate of spaghetti with cream sauce. She also got a nice salad, too. I got a pasta called "Pasta Absolimo" with tomato sauce. We then took strawberry soda, strawberry cakes and puddings with herb tea they offer as the best one.

It got to be the point where we had to pay for 30 bucks each for the dinner and the plates, but we had a great time and fun. We hardly ever laughed this much and had fun talking about one another, and we shared much. So we had a great time. Thank GOD!!!

Likes & Dislikes

2009-02-21T20:32:00.004+09:00

As a Christian, I am always mindful of what to say, what to do with my friends at work and co-workers or team leaders at work. It seems that there are some people who tend to feel navigated to the emotional likes and dislikes to point out a person whom they feel is disqualified for the job they are perfectly working.

I was very surprised to find out that my on-the-job friend who happened to be a Christian was told that she is going to leave the job due to her "voice quality". There was someone who seems to dislike her on-the-phone voice amongst the NTA team, and they pointed out that she sounded like she was threatening the end users.

It is a surprise to me, as I have no problem discussing with her cordially. She is professional and there is no scintilla of unprofessional activities or behavior. One time she had a mishap with one of the upper echelon team (NTA tax analysts on the site) because she was a bit irritated by an old end user and she spoke a little too eagerly to the particular analyst and he considered her extremely rude or not proper. We are all temp associates who came through this temp agency, so it seems this analyst complained of her tone of voice to the temp sales in charge. Temp businessman called in her today and said the job ends at the end of February. At first they were into discussion for her to go into test period to see if she can go for a good week or two of OJT again. But the NTA decided against that. Wow...

Those who got either fired or warned strongly by the NTA were not just this girlfriend in particular. My another girlfriend is at the stake of getting fired. This one tends to talk back to her superiors in mean ways, so she has a problem. But the former one has no problem in polite manners. Yet her voice was the only problem. Is this possible? I feel like we are harassed and discriminated somehow.

Well, in the eyes of NTA people, we are just help desk operators. They can just throw us away when unneeded. It feel terrible that they can do that.

Thank GOD, I did not get this treatment nor was I fired. So I am safe. But I am going to have a new job interview set up for February 25, so I am supposed to make a good reason why I am leaving a job early. Well, I will think up something.

LORD!!!!! May YOU give me a Mercy to find me a good place to settle down professionally. The tax season ends in mid-March, I will need to start on embarking a new job!!!

Valentine Wish: LORD, Watch Over Me...

2009-02-15T00:16:00.003+09:00

The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing. Psalm 34:10

Today's Daily Bible Verses say that, without GOD Almighty's Mercy, even the strongest animals can fall dead when they cannot eat or drink or even get injured and eaten by others. I feel that truth every single day. Whatever I do, I lately feel the needs for prayers and asking to my own Holy Spirit to show me a lot of discerning signs that I can understand through my human sensations.

With a Blessing of GOD, nowadays I feel I am a better "judge" of people and their personalities after I went through a lot of turmoils in life. In Animal language, I guess I got a better sense of "smelling" good or bad scents.

I have to keep on looking at, thinking of, and seeking for the LORD's Mercy when I live in a nation where this thing called "the faith" is neglected. Cultic activities are extremely under strict scrutiny but public has no sense in distinguishing the difference in between the cultic activities and the faith for Christ.

In a place like where I am, things get very complicated. Without prayers or petitions to the LORD I cannot go on living. I need to seek and ask for the LORD's Generous Attention all the time. And so I always do seek HIM in terms of what I must do in terms of what I am allowed to do in the faith and what I am required to do in general either professionally or privately at work or at home. The verse like today's just reminds me of such needs in seeing through whatever I see and encounter and discerning what is right and what is truthful in GOD's Eyes and knowing through my Holy Spirit what HIS Messages are.

A Nice Break in the Middle

2009-02-11T14:52:00.003+09:00

Well, today is a National Holiday in Japan. It is a Wednesday, so it can be called a nice break in the middle of this busy week. Everyday we get over 5000 phone calls now, facing mid-March deadline for filing for returns. Public who use online application call in mostly with individual tax consolations. While I am talking with the end-users who do not understand why the auto calculations do not work properly [while it is actually end-users themselves who are having problems instead of computation functions], I often feel extremely thirsty. I look at my watch and find out that I am talking with the same user for over 2 hours if the specific user has NO idea what computers do for him or her. Then I go, "I WANT A DRINK!!!! I SCREAM FOR AN ICED CREAM!!!!!"

It is a nice break to hug my cat and stay in bed. Most of the day today I just nap. Snuggling with my fat little cat just makes me feel at ease. It is so nice to have a hug. Ahhhhhhhhhh. What a nice day today. It is a nice break in the middle of this busy week.